Today I did something productive.

Okay firstly for lunch went out with my family for combined birthday lunch for my mum and I. Cuz my father wont be in Singapore during my mum's birthday so celebrate together.

But doesnt really matter to me 'cuz on Fri night I went out with my mum and had dinner with her and walked around Junction8 and Northpoint with her, so I'm really happy for the quality time spent with my mummy(:

My mum is really the most important person in my life and I am really glad that I have put her first and never ever replaceable. Because people WILL fail us. Other than my mum, I have put others 'first' too. As in first after my mum. But so far? Everyone I have put first has disappointed me. Maybe I have disappointed them too but I am sure that I was never first in their lives.

ANYWAY!

So after lunch went home and was REALLY nua. Then my mum told me to go and pack my cupboard and weed out all the clothes I don't want since I'm so nua. I told her I dowan, ALL MY CLOTHES I STILL WANT (not true, I'm just lazy).
Then my mummy say I'm a lazyworm:(
She say I'm a lazyworm say lazy words. Haha.

But anyway after that I really went into my room and started looking through my cupboards.

And anyway I had decided awhile back that I wanted ALL my sports stuff to be in 1 cupboard so it would be easier for me to look for my sports stuff. So since my mum asked me to weed stuff out I wanted to rearrange my closet too.

So it began. And my nose is SO BLOODY SENSTIVE that till now I am having blocked nose and flu.

But it was SO PRODUCTIVE!

Weeded out SO MUCH STUFF FROM MY CLOSET such that 1 makeshift rack (actually just bamboo pole suspended between 2 bookshelves) was TOTALLY REARRANGED AND REMOVED. AMAZING!!

Ya.. for someone who doesnt shop much i seriously have tons of clothes. Don't ask me how. I don't know.

And packing my sports stuff I realised I have ALOT OF DRYFIT CLOTHES. All from my runs so I will NEVER THROW THEM AWAY. Looking through them makes me so happy. My first ever run, RealRun in 2010. Lots of Nikerun shirts and then subsequently Sundown and Straits Times Run. It's been lots of fun and it will only become more fun and more exciting!!

And I had alot of fbts and sports bras. It's like a compulsion. Everytime I go Cotton On body I cant resist. I have 4 sports bras from Cotton On and 3 exercise shorts from them. That is like after I have 7 (?) pairs of FBTS. And like alot of sports bras too.

I hate shopping for clothes but when I see sportswear my eyes light up. Ya go figure.. I don't even jog anymore. Haven't jogged since goodness knows when.


Packed through and discarded lots of old clothes and ALOT OF PANTS. Those uncool thick jeans which I used to wear. Oh goodness I was so uncool. And I'm not even cool now and I can say I was uncool.

Infact I cleared 4 bags of clothes!! Which is great 'cuz the whole reason why my mum made me pack my closet was 'cuz 8Dec there is some organisation coming to collect old clothes and etc for charity for the needy or something.

Hmm out of 4 bags about 1.5 bags were really new looking or really new (one totally new floral highwaist shorts which my sis gave me 'cuz too big for her but fit me beautifully. I took it thinking MAYBE SOMEDAY I will be girly enough to wear it. Now I know I shouldn't bother fighting it so.. away it goes!) were to be passed to my aunty to sell at the front of her shop (she does alterations) at cheap cheap prices.

And I took out ALL the sleeveless tops in my cupboard and put them together. All the rompers together!! For the first time in my life my cupboard is (slightly) organised!!

Also threw away 2 slippers and 2 pairs of shoes from the shoe cupboard in the living room.

So happy!! Like.. I feel free-er.



Sidetrack: Quarrelled again. On the phone. Turned off my phone this time so I will not continue quarrelling back and forth through Whatsapp which always happens. Cried and then went to bathe.

Nonetheless I am sure tomorrow when I turn it on again there will be messages which will make my heart sink and my blood boil.

Alittle depressing to be here sniffling away from the blocked nose+flu from dust and feeling so down.



Watched almost the whole series of Rurounin Kenshin in 2days. I LOOOOOOOVE Rurounin Kenshin!! My favouritest anime ever. The movie wasnt half as good but the Kenshin was OH SO CUTE AND HANDSOME!!!!! Super loves!

And recently keep listening to Love is Move by Secret. Like that's the only Korean song I search for in Youtube and listen to. Just like it.



Hope tomorrow will be a good day and available to swim. I need to swim. I need a tan.

I think it started quite awhile back but I never realised it till recently. Like it didnt occur to me until recently. I used to be a bathroom singer. Like when I'm bathing I'm always singing. Disney, Praise, Worship, random English songs which match my mood, parts of Chinese songs which I actually know the lyrics to, and so on. But mostly English songs/Worship/Disney.

But recently I have stopped. Not even recently. It's been a while. Have I kinda lost that little bit of childlikeness? Have I 'grown up' in the way i fear the most?

Not really sure.. but I really dont sing much in the showers anymore.



Another random is that it has been raining alot recently. Like EVERYDAY kind of alot. Which is normal, it's December after all. But it is totally fine with me because i ABSOLUTELY LOVE RAIN. It makes me calm. Sometimes when I've had a huge quarrel and am feeling really down and it starts to rain, I actually feel comforted and better. I know right, SO WEIRD when the skies are 'crying' and I feel better? But seriously rain has a very calming and hapy effect on me. I love rainy days.

And there is a word for it!! I am a PLUVIOPHILE.

Definition of Pluviophile, a lover of rain;someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.
-From collinsdictionary.com

Except... sometimes I wanna swim and when I wanna swim I want the sun to be relentless. Like 'PLEASE TRY TO BURN ME!!' type of relentless. I really love swimming when the weather is a killer. Only thing is when walking to the pool I am dripping with sweat.

But because recently it has been all thunderstorms I haven't been swimming. A little upset.

But so contradictory. It's like when it rains I will be like OMG I LOVE RAIN. Then after that I will be like oh shit I cant go swimming today then.

Hahahaha. Hard to choose between my 2 loves.



Sidenote; my birthday is over and I am officially 24. But actually I have already considered myself 24 since the start of 2015. It's easier.

I used to take birthdays very seriously. Not with birthday celebrations or cakes. I'm not a fan of cake. And my family never had the tradition of celebrating birthdays so not birthday celebrations either. Just birthday wishes. Like I used to be quite obsessed with how many people wished me happy birthday because the more the number, the more 'important' and loved I am.

But seems like I kinda matured abit. Of course it still matters to me. But not the quantity. Now I have understood that the quality of friends is so much more important.

This year I have removed my birthday from Facebook. And the difference is huge. But it is heartwarming(:

I've had the really important people wish me happy birthday.
Ruth was first, followed by Tony whom I was on the phone with. Then the rest of the Ahh5 group (Jol, Sarah and then Qiu).
Then in the morning when I woke up, Deanna wished me.
And then after that my father and sister.
At night when my mum came home, my mum wished me.
And close to midnight, Aiming wished me
The next day Pam wished me and said sorry it was late
[Update: on 5th December Yuhan msged me and wished me happy birthday and said sorry for the late wish 'cuz he was in reservist. Really shocked and thankful for it because as mentioned I removed my birthday from my FB. AND I haven't spoken to him in eons. REALLLLLLLY long. But he remembered. So am really thankful for it!!]

If this were back when I was in Seconday School, I would have been depressed. That said, in secondary school I probaby received even less. Definitely WAAAAYYYYYY less. Wasn't popular and my birthday was during the holidays. Who would bother to remember?!
But seriously speaking..I don't remember others' birthdays as well. It's really humbling to know that people REMEMBER your birthday without notification from facebook. (: Its humbling and heartwaming. And it is ENOUGH. I don't need lots of people to wish me.
I just need the important ones to. (FYI stupid zg didn't wish me and seriously not surprised. We are all damn bad with birthdays)



Next year I am already 25. Quarterlife. So I have decided I want to make next year count. I have already signed up for Sundown 2016 FULL MARATHON.
Never completed a marathon in my life and next year, the QUARTERLIFE CRISIS YEAR, will be it. I'm really excited!!



I have decided to write out my bucket list and I have to tick off afew every year. I don't want to continue living like this. A full marathon is on my bucket list. Though my final aim is not Sundown but Standard Chartered. But nonetheless first marathon at 25 sounds not bad.

I don't know what next year will bring. But I do know that next year I WILL COMPLETE MY FIRST MARATHON. Not like last year which I got prematurely stopped 'cuz the roads were re-opening and we hadta stop 'cuz we were a little slow. But nonetheless we still had about 1.5hrs to complete the remaining 8km which is DOABLE.
But they stopped us 'cuz the roads hadta be open. So nevermind.
Next year shall be my first.



This year has been fun in terms of events I joined. I joined a swim event for the first time in my life and really enjoyed it(: Have always wanted to join one.
And the medal was great and I was proud of myself.

Even though there was rushing from one Safra to another, even though we completed a swim at midnight on Sat and had a 7am swim on Sun, I still enjoyed myself immensely. We just kinda clicked and it's really nice to have someone I don't feel awkward with. I am socially awkward fyi.

And I managed to swim a total of 300laps (Though their 1lap is actually half a lap), which adds up to 15km!! I swam 15km in 3 days and that is something to be really proud of!
I had a great time and for the first time in a long time I had a buddy to join with. Choped her for next year swim event.

But I don't just wanna do running event. I don't just wanna do swimming event. I want to do a combination. I want to do duathlons (or aqualthon. Either way I am referring to the Run and Swim one).

And when I have my own bicycle and have completed and confident of duathlons/aqualthons, I want to do my ultimate bucket list: the Triathlon.



Feels like as if its the end of the year like that, reflections on the year. But I think one of the happier/fresher moments of this year is DEFINITELY Swim-for-Hope. I loved it and I will definitely join it again!!



It hasn't been a great year. Full of emotions. Am I stronger? Nope. Haha. Sadly. But nonetheless, it's good to think of things I wanna do next year.

SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO IN THIS LIFETIME AND NOT ENOUGH MONEY AND TIME AND LIFE TO DO IT!!

So.. some things have happened recently.

I thought the worst of yesterday would be my simmering anger about my father and his insensitive remark. I was SO WRONG. But it had nothing to do with my father. Thank goodness. One situation with him a day is more than enough.

Anyway.

So, suddenly I got questioned about whether I went out with a mutual friend. Which obviously I didnt. I was home the whole day studying (not really. Trying but failing to). But nonetheless, I was definitely at home the whole day. Heck, I didnt even step out of the house, not even to my corridor. (I might lack of Vitamin D like that huh?? o.0) But anyway. So he says if I say never, he believe me. But continued questioning me. Apparently someone saw me with said mutual friend and told him. Questioned him who it was and he said dunno. Like WHAAAT? Funny. NOT.

Anyway i do kinda doubt his story about someone saw me. Don't know whats the purpose behind that anyway. But it's kinda hurting when I already said I didn't yet he seemed to not trust, yet said he believed. When he said that sentence, I knew he didn't fully believe. There wouldn't have been a need to mention that. If you believed you wouldn't have pressed for more. The worst thing? I ALWAYS update/tell him beforehand when I'm meeting friends. Leading to often quite afew quarrels when they are people he does not like (aka every single one of my good friends except said mutual friend)

But then he suddenly went "Don't make me disappointed and make serious decision. Trust me girl. I will do it de."
By then we were talking about the touchy topic, the religion.

I realised.. he can threaten me. With a breakup.
But when I threaten him with something else, he scolds me and ignores me.

After afew more heated to-and-fro conversations, he said this "If you don't appreciate what my mum done for you all each Fri. If you got issue going let me know. Don't go. Don't be an idiot spreading ur own ideology.", and after afew more sentences, "My mum put in so much effort trying to teach you all. Share with you all good stuff. This is how you repay her back".

Wow. my blood really boil.
1st. I never liked and wanted and you knew it all along. Dont act stupid or play dumb.

2nd. What ideology have I been spreading around? How come even I don't know about it? And to call me an idiot for doing that. Yes, I complain. I dislike. I grumble. But I spread my own ideology? Wha-at?

3rd. Your mum put in effort. She does it because she's willing and she likes to have classes and teach stuff I am not interested in, repeating things to me when I understood it the first time but NO she needs to explain/show me 3 times before she thinks I understand. Plus, I didnt beg her for this. I am totally fine without it. However that doesn't mean I'm not appreciative when she cooks. I am. Its the lessons. I don't like it. People have different beliefs and it's not wrong to have different beliefs.

4th. Abit linking back to the ideology thing I guess, because the "this is how you repay her back" seems to be talking about that. What nonsense has she been saying behind my back about me. I know for a fact she talks about me behind my back. I have been told by you before that she said I had a bad temper. So obviously she does and probably often? But more importantly, she doesn't know anything, HOW CAN SHE SAY STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT ME? It's not like i haven't seen her gossipping. Or just little thing can make it like such a big deal. Guess that's where you inherited your assumptions characteristic. You assume, and then assume that what you ASSUMED is the TRUTH. It ISN'T. Take some times and grow some balls to question people instead of coming up with your own assumptions and putting others' down or spreading rumors/gossips about others.

Spent 1 hour plus, instead of studying which I seriously need to do because I am SO BEHIND ON MY REVISION, but instead spent 1 hour plus staring at your whatsapp.

Why.

I just want simple things. Someone who wont judge me. Someone who will respect my beliefs and me. Someone who wont restrict me. Someone whom I love who loves me back. I have never tried to change anything of you. I have tried to give in so much, to my unhappiness, just for you. Have you sacrificed anything for me?



Am I so difficult to love?

I guess it's really as you said. I am.

So today during dinner my mum went to the kitchen and she went (in chinese) "AHH need to wash clothes already ahhh~"

Then my father who was sitting adjacent to me said "吵死人"

I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I PARROT-ED WHAT MY MUM JUST SAID.

HELLO FUCKTARD. SHE DOES ALL THE COOKING AND EVERYTHING AND CLEANS UP YOUR SHIT AFTER YOU AND TOLERATES YOU. AND YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU ARE BETTER AND DESERVE A BETTER WIFE OR WHATSOEVER. Please. It's your good fortune to have married my mum. Dont think you are oh-so-handsome or oh-so-amazing and people are falling over themselves to be your wife.

Please look at yourself in the mirror. Insensitive ungrateful selfish bastard.

Seriously think she's better off without an asshole like you for a husband.

Sick of you always saying she's stupid or ugly or noisy or whatever. She's my happy pill. My pistachio, Shut the fuck up when you are the one who makes everyone in this house roll their eyes AND MOVE AWAY FROM THE ROOM YOU ARE IN.

Bet you never realised that. That once you start "making comments" about something on TV which we are not interested in, we move away. We dont want to hear your boring commentary. FYI we are not the least bit interested. Whereas if it were my mum thats a different thing. Even if im not interested I wouldn't mind sitting there listening to her comments and etc.

But too bad for us if the programme is something we like too. We just try to shut you out. But its tough. Especially when you do stupid things like tell us what is going on when HEY EXCUSE ME WE ARE WATCHING THE SAME SCREEN WE CAN TELL AS WELL??

Ya. Just sometimes wish we had encouraged my mum alittle more during that year when she brought up divorce. Dammit.

So i was studying and took my cup to drink water when something jumped out and landed on where my cup used to be.. looked and it was a spider.. glossy black and seemed as if it had MANY EYES. Maybe just my hallucination about the many eyes.

But anyway.. so I screamed immediately but no response from outside.. continued staring and it jumped onto my tissue box which shocked me when it jumped so I screamed again.

.. and still no response. So started screaming for my mum and she FINALLY came in. She eventually managed to kill it when it jumped onto the floor and she stomped on it (she wears slippers in the house cuz her feet is bad and always needs cushioning).

I screamed "AH YOU KILLED IT!!' and she was like ya else you tonight dont need sleep already.

After that when i was washing and refilling my cup (no way am i drinking from that cup without washing.. the spider somehow came from it!!), my mum said: (all in chinese)

Mum: Maybe the spider was at your cup because it wanted to drink water
Me: Got like that de meh?!
Mum: If not why it go to your cup??

...

My mum often leaves me speechless.. Guess that's where I get all my nonsense theories from.. so I'm not entirely to blame for having nonsense theories.. its a genetically inherited thing.

I think its sad that we were friends for so long.. but just really drifted. Or maybe not. Might not be a sad thing to you. like omg finally you are rid of that irritating girl in your life.

Sorta kinda knew that there were things you weren't pleased with me about. But you never once told me or even showed signs that you were displeased. I thought everything was fine and dandy and then boom. Found out through fb that actually you are not exactly that pleased with me. It really hurt that time. To be told indirectly and for all to see that I am immature and its embarassing to have a friend like me. But I never asked you about it, and you never mentioned anything, ever. Nothing at all to me, when you see me its like everything is fine. Why couldnt it have been directly told/asked? Where I would have been able to explain myself.

There were other things too, that you seemed to be unhappy with me about. But still, you never told me. And seriously speaking, I am really quite dense when it comes to these things. I'm really stupid and dont know how to read people well.

But I thought friends should express how they feel about each other, whether good or bad, so that we can all improve on our relationship skills.

What used to be meetups which felt like no time had passed between us, chatting so comfortably when we meet, became very rare meetups (though mostly my fault due to a possessive bf?) with awkward silences where I dont seem to know what to say much because I dont want to pry and seem just kaypoh. But since you are not forthcoming with sharing about your life, I would not dare to push. I wouldnt dare to do alot of things now because I realised there seemed to have been abit of resentment in you against me.

And now when i see your picture on fb, it seems like I'm staring at someone I know very well, yet at the same time, I dont know at all.

That's exactly what it seems.

i suspect depression?

So many things i did.. but still, you zoom in on the things i do wrong..

its tiring to always quarrel. its tiring to always have to defend myself.

Its so tough when i make effort and then when i get angry at you for telling me things last min you turn the table around and scold ME for being difficult and etc.

Everytime i talk to you i have this fear that anything said might escalate into a quarrel. Yes, no doubt im always the one who starts shouting/getting agitated. But you have a special fucked up way of saying things which are so damn demeaning, patronising, condescending and super insulting.

Then when i get angry because you calmly insulted me, you can say why must i get so agitated, you are talking in a very nice tone.

So passive aggressive. I dont know how you do it. but you sure are manipulative.

Sometimes I hate you.

Too bad it seems like i love you more? I dont know. I know nothing except that i miss you but even then i am afraid to dream of anything.

Even though we are planning a little group trip to Port Dickon with the rest, im afraid we might breakup before that and how awkward it would be. I probably would do a no-show then. I really dont know. Something is definitely wrong if i am thinking such thoughts right?

Mummy.. if not for you.. i might really.

I dont wanna lie. I dont wanna have to lie to someone i love so much.

But seriously? Sometimes it's easier to nt tell you. But end of the day i still tell you. Yet u accuse me that I dont share stuff with you.

I do.

And also, do ou know how much courage is needed to share stuff with you?

I really wan my other half to support things i do and love..

Again been eons since i last blogged.

No time, no mood. Nothing.

Seems like everytime i think to myself "wah quite long never quarrel already, that's good."EVERY SINGLE TIME, within that week, we will have a quarrel.

Guess my mouth very 'ling'. Just thought it recently, like wednesday?
I know it always happens. In fact when i thought it i was already like shit. another storm brewing then.

But i cant help it. I cant help thinking. It just pops out suddenly and its just like shit. I just thought it. It's gonna happen. Another quarrel is gonna come..

So yea..

Really feel like crying. Why am i so weak. Why?


On a sidenote, watched Inside Out today. Cried twice. Not sure if because was already down to start with or would have cried anyway.

On the way home felt like crying too..

What is this.. why is a relationship so painful..



Why am nothing that i wasna be and everything sucky. Why am i such a failure..

Been so damn long since i last blogged..

Life's been a bitch. Basically everything's been a bitch, including me apparently.

So... lying to me from the start was a mistake but you 'dont wanna talk about the past'
Yea.. riightttt... thats kinda smart because.. why talk about the past right? It already happened so suck it up!
Except.. i asked about the very thing which is currently killing our rs..

I had the foresight to ask. But you chose to lie to me thinking you could convert me.

You made me fall for u.. when you never had the intention to catch me UNLESS im like the girl you want me to be.

There is a ready girl there for you. Yes you said dont talk about her cuz thats your past.
But you said you all drifted away because she still young wanna play kind. Now she's all grown up, mature and in your ft.
Touch your own heart and can you say with all honesty that if i weren't in the picturem you would have chased her now?

Because she's everything you want. Cute as well.
Guai, cute, loves your religion, long hair, girly.

Everything im not.

Because, im hard to love, need to be tolerated, and dont deserve/not worthy of love.