Recently there has been so many accidents/tragedies happening. Shootings, car accidents. It feels like everyday I flip open the newspapers or I go into facebook and I see a new accident/tragedy. Or rape.
It's terrible. The word now seems to be dripping with evil and being very dark.
Sometimes I feel the response is terrible too. Regarding the Orlanda gay club shooting, a church actually came out and said the gunman was sent from God. What the fuck seriously. Blood boils. I don't know how there can be such stupid, senseless and unsympathetic people to actually say stuff like that. Who are they to judge. If they actually follow the bible, it says to love your neighbour as yourself, and also that God is the only judge. And I guess especially pissed because they come out and say stuff like that, bringing religion into it and generally worsen the impressions of Christians as a whole. One bad apple spoils the bunch. Same thing happening with Muslims.
And I just see all these things happening and I feel so.. helpless/worthless. I can't help in any way. And okay granted, these are kinda once off incidents. But I am not helping in general. I don't do volunteer work etc. Just feel like I am so useless. I don't like interacting with people and volunteer work generally requires quite abit of people skills. But yet I feel like my life has no meaning now.. Like I am living for nothing/doing nothing.
Anyway.. the world seems to be getting more and more violent. What a time to be alive. :(
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Tears
So we have not been speaking since Sunday evening-ish when we had a quarrel over my dinner. Like as in, about my dinner. It was supposed to be a birthday dinner for my sis, and my mum suggested Dian Xiao Er at J8 because my mum was gonna be at Bishan area (at my aunt's shop) before that and also she really likes Dian Xiao Er. (This is on the same day as Deanna's graduation)
Anyway so being the nice gf that I am, I told him about it all, going to eat at Dian Xiao Er at J8 for my sister's birthday dinner. I don't like to lie or hide stuff, and especially don't like to say stuff I don't mean (such as "I try" when he says eat less meat because I know I won't try so why bother giving false hope? I hate people giving false hope so I try never to even give false hope. Also, by saying I try he might take it as a yes and then push for more and more so I don't want that to happen. Already so many times I gave in abit but instead of being appreciative, he just pushes for more.)
So then he kicked up a big fuss about how I could not say I would try to eat less meat etc and how I am still eating alot of meat etc. And I got pretty pissed and told him this is my family dinner, and it is for birthday somemore, and he just replied IN CAPS, something about go with your family then! etcetc.
Now, while I don't super love my sister, nor do I love my father, however my mum is the number 1 most important person in my life and nothing will ever change that. Nothing even comes close to my mum as well. So I got pretty pissed and told him to respect my family.
Basically he said this time (the quarrel) is my fault and then we stopped talking because I definitely don't think it is my fault and he insists it's my fault.
So anyway I've been through Sunday evening, Monday, Tuesday without crying. It just felt like my emotions shut down. I don't know what exactly it means, does it mean I'm starting to love less? Does it mean I am getting numb to the quarrels? I don't know.
But yesterday I went for my Bike Pract Lesson 4, Assessment. And I failed terribly. I was feeling really down about it (I fell off the plank so immediate failure. That said, I also got 28 demerit points. What the hell man. Tell me how to get a bike license like this. I got 12 points from wobbly-when-turning. Omg.)
So I went to SSC because there was a direct bus from SSDC, and because Tony previously transferred me money to change into ringgit for him and he insisted on SSC because he say SSC rates are better than NP. But I checked NP's rates before going for Pract and after Pract I went SSC to check the rates and both are 2.98. I TOLD HIM NP RATES ARE NOT BAD DE LOR.
Anyway, I did tell him before that NP rates are not bad but he just went all passive aggressive and said I shun bian otw to or from bike pract I just stop by SSC change money very difficult meh etcetc. So I just got fed up that time and decided fine he like to make me run around and never think for me, nevermind. As long as my conscience is clear and I know I am not demanding like that.
Anyway so I went to check SSC and it was also 2.98 so I wasn't sure whether to change or not. So I messaged AM because I'm having cold war with Tony. Asked her opinion whether should change or wait (and maybe might go up).
Then while waiting for her reply I went for Subway because I hadn't had dinner. After subway was about 9.12? I assumed the money changer would be open till 930. But I went out of subway and realised the money changer closed already. Oh well, problem solved.
But then in Subway, I heard the song "Locked Away" which was one of his favourite songs, and one song we played endlessly during previous roadtrip, and one song which had very meaningful lyrics, especially at my point in time.
This part:
If I got locked away
And we lost it all today...
Tell me honestly...
Would you still love me the same?
If I showed you my flaws
If I couldn't be strong
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
So basically I was ordering my food and heard this song. And almost teared there la wtf. At the counter. I think the part that hit me was all the 'situations' and then the Would you still love me the same?. The rest is like rap or something, I'm not sure. Anyway I only remember and feel emotional at this part. And after that I got really depressed. I mean I was already very down about bike, then this happened so I was really down.
Then went home feeling really quite down. When walking back just (as mentioned previously) felt that I am really in a dark place. And it kinda scared me a little because I was starting to wonder whether I am really getting mild depression. Now all along I'm worried I would have depression. I do believe that I am prone to depression.
Reached home and still very down. Even with mummy talking there as normal, I couldn't cheer up. Not sure if mummy realised or anything but I did mention to her I failed my bike assessment so maybe she thought it was that, so didn't comment or ask much also.
Eventually went to bed and for the first time since Sunday's quarrel, I cried in bed. I was surprised I cried. And then after laying in bed for a looooong time and finally fell asleep.
And I woke up today morning with tears in my eyes. I was really suuuper shocked. To the extent I wondered aloud "Why are there tears in my eyes??"
So, I really don't know la.
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
Anyway so being the nice gf that I am, I told him about it all, going to eat at Dian Xiao Er at J8 for my sister's birthday dinner. I don't like to lie or hide stuff, and especially don't like to say stuff I don't mean (such as "I try" when he says eat less meat because I know I won't try so why bother giving false hope? I hate people giving false hope so I try never to even give false hope. Also, by saying I try he might take it as a yes and then push for more and more so I don't want that to happen. Already so many times I gave in abit but instead of being appreciative, he just pushes for more.)
So then he kicked up a big fuss about how I could not say I would try to eat less meat etc and how I am still eating alot of meat etc. And I got pretty pissed and told him this is my family dinner, and it is for birthday somemore, and he just replied IN CAPS, something about go with your family then! etcetc.
Now, while I don't super love my sister, nor do I love my father, however my mum is the number 1 most important person in my life and nothing will ever change that. Nothing even comes close to my mum as well. So I got pretty pissed and told him to respect my family.
Basically he said this time (the quarrel) is my fault and then we stopped talking because I definitely don't think it is my fault and he insists it's my fault.
So anyway I've been through Sunday evening, Monday, Tuesday without crying. It just felt like my emotions shut down. I don't know what exactly it means, does it mean I'm starting to love less? Does it mean I am getting numb to the quarrels? I don't know.
But yesterday I went for my Bike Pract Lesson 4, Assessment. And I failed terribly. I was feeling really down about it (I fell off the plank so immediate failure. That said, I also got 28 demerit points. What the hell man. Tell me how to get a bike license like this. I got 12 points from wobbly-when-turning. Omg.)
So I went to SSC because there was a direct bus from SSDC, and because Tony previously transferred me money to change into ringgit for him and he insisted on SSC because he say SSC rates are better than NP. But I checked NP's rates before going for Pract and after Pract I went SSC to check the rates and both are 2.98. I TOLD HIM NP RATES ARE NOT BAD DE LOR.
Anyway, I did tell him before that NP rates are not bad but he just went all passive aggressive and said I shun bian otw to or from bike pract I just stop by SSC change money very difficult meh etcetc. So I just got fed up that time and decided fine he like to make me run around and never think for me, nevermind. As long as my conscience is clear and I know I am not demanding like that.
Anyway so I went to check SSC and it was also 2.98 so I wasn't sure whether to change or not. So I messaged AM because I'm having cold war with Tony. Asked her opinion whether should change or wait (and maybe might go up).
Then while waiting for her reply I went for Subway because I hadn't had dinner. After subway was about 9.12? I assumed the money changer would be open till 930. But I went out of subway and realised the money changer closed already. Oh well, problem solved.
But then in Subway, I heard the song "Locked Away" which was one of his favourite songs, and one song we played endlessly during previous roadtrip, and one song which had very meaningful lyrics, especially at my point in time.
This part:
If I got locked away
And we lost it all today...
Tell me honestly...
Would you still love me the same?
If I showed you my flaws
If I couldn't be strong
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
So basically I was ordering my food and heard this song. And almost teared there la wtf. At the counter. I think the part that hit me was all the 'situations' and then the Would you still love me the same?. The rest is like rap or something, I'm not sure. Anyway I only remember and feel emotional at this part. And after that I got really depressed. I mean I was already very down about bike, then this happened so I was really down.
Then went home feeling really quite down. When walking back just (as mentioned previously) felt that I am really in a dark place. And it kinda scared me a little because I was starting to wonder whether I am really getting mild depression. Now all along I'm worried I would have depression. I do believe that I am prone to depression.
Reached home and still very down. Even with mummy talking there as normal, I couldn't cheer up. Not sure if mummy realised or anything but I did mention to her I failed my bike assessment so maybe she thought it was that, so didn't comment or ask much also.
Eventually went to bed and for the first time since Sunday's quarrel, I cried in bed. I was surprised I cried. And then after laying in bed for a looooong time and finally fell asleep.
And I woke up today morning with tears in my eyes. I was really suuuper shocked. To the extent I wondered aloud "Why are there tears in my eyes??"
So, I really don't know la.
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
Monday, June 6, 2016
Long blogpost: Bike Practical & Circuit Revision + Straits Times Run + EXAMS + Sundown Marathon + Deanna's GRADUATION!!
Super long blogpost ahead. Warning!!
Anyway I haven't been updating since mid May. The shark one was a random little post. And on 3June Deanna called me (her graduation was on 4June) and then I was complaining to her that she never update when she said she would update about her sister's wedding! So she said she will soon and she said I also didn't update! And she mentioned "I go your blog and it's still about the shark!" Haha so okay.. Deanna has already updated 3 posts since that day.. so I need to update too. Haha
--
18 May: Bike Pract Lesson 3 (Part II)
I PASSED!!! LIKE A FINALLY!! Actually not really la it was my 2nd Lesson 3 (Part II), so not like i took AGES. But then the instructor mentioned during my 1st time that this lesson should be passed within 1 to 2 tries because it is more like a recap. It is actually just going through the assessment route and the motorcycle simulator. But I don't know why this time no simulator but SUPER HAPPY ABOUT THAT. HATE THE SIMULATOR.
Anyway! So went for class being really depressed and down because I just feel the more I go for lessons the worse I become. Not that I am good to begin with. But as lesson progresses and I make mistakes, I tend to have phobias. Like cornering. Previously can corner well but after that incident I tend to slow down and my timing is unsafe plus I wobble. So.. need to work on it.
Instructor wasn't very pleased with us as a whole so I was seriously thinking die need to retake AGAIN. 2 instructors, and they said we are as a whole quite wobbly, not stable. Especially if need to stop at the end of the figure 8 or crank course. We often end up stopping in the wrong gear (gear 2) otherwise our feet both on the floor.
So they made us practise stopping no matter whether the lane is free or got oncoming vehicle. Which is not bad I guess.. practice makes perfect anyway.
AND AMAZINGLY WE ALL PASSED. Guess the instructor scold scold scold but actually quite soft. But very worried about it.
Instructor mentioned that we could either book Lesson 4 next (which is assessment), or book circuit revision to practice more before going for Lesson 4. So decided to go for CR first for some more practice.
--
20 May: Bike Pract Circuit Revision
So as mentioned, I decided to book CR for more practice but really, I hated it. Basically CR it's kinda own time own target, practice what you want. But noone told me. So I didn't know what to do and got really confused and lost when everyone started moving in different directions. So.. I followed this guy around. Which course he go, I also go. Which is fine because I mean generally I need practice for all the courses right? EXCEPT AFTER AFEW COURSES I FOLLOWED HIM AND HE STOPPED AND I ALSO STOPPED. I THINK HE WANTED TO GO TOILET. And i just stopped behind him and looked at him with I guess the most blur face ever?? Like the "What do I do now, why did you stop?" face. And he looked at me curiously and told me "You can go ahead you know"
Basically I practically followed a guy to the toilet. Wtf right. Haha.
Ended up I decided to just keep following the assessment route for familiarisation of the route plus practice all the courses.
Anyway! I think generally all my courses are not good but I am quite scared about slope because I almost always stall on the slope!! :((
Booked another CR on 24May but in the end didn't go because I wasn't feeling well. So wasted that CR.. and then I decided fuck it and afew days back booked Lesson 4. Just go for assessment. If fail, retake lor.
Really more and more dreading bike lessons. It's not that it's not fun. It is to a certain extent. But when I feel so lousy and terrible at the courses and stuff, it makes me demoralised and not feel like continuing.
--
22 May: Straits Times Run 2016 with Ruth and Jolene
My yearly affair with these 2 ladies!!
This is my 4th year joining the ST Run and it is the 4th year the run is being held!! We are such loyal supporters. Haha! Initially the racepack goodies are damn good de lor. 1st year was SEA Aquarium. 2nd year was Alive Museum. 3rd and 4th year kanasai already. Haha. $200 Chan Brothers voucher, who will use-.-
Anyway! So it fell inconveniently inbetween my exams.. so I didn't train at all. Though tbh, when have I ever trained for my runs. Not that I am proud of saying that.. but I really never ever train. Which sometimes I regret because it means I could have done better!! Nonetheless I did go downstairs for a little jog the week before so.. warmed up my legs abit I guess. Not training though.
ANYWAY! I didn't sleep at all the night before the run. Was supposed to wake early because need to catch the shuttle bus, but because exams period I study best late at night so I had been studying till 4am most nights, and even though I went to sleep early for a good rest for my run, I COULDN'T SLEEP. So I just lie in bed wide awake trying to sleep.
Was really tired but quite excited about the run. It was drizzling abit so it's good that it was cooling. However AGAIN I had slight stomachache. Mentioned it to my mum and she said aiyo cham liao why recently all my runs my stomach not good :(
Which is really true sia. This year practically all my runs my stomach not on form de-.- Stomach, why you so bad de!
Metup with Ruth and Jol at the baggage deposit area, deposited our bags and off we go to the starting point! After the run, went to a sheltered area to wait for them since it was still drizzling and the floor was wet.
This is the first ever 10km that I fully ran without stopping (except hydration stations), so I am pretty proud of myself!! Most runs by 8km I stop. Which is weird because I realised the furthest I can run without stopping so far is 19km (with a stomachache and injured knee. Meaning I can definitely do better), so I was always upset why a simple 10km I just can't grit my teeth and run all the way.
So this being the 1st time I ran fully a run without stopping, I was super happy!! Not to mention this is my new personal best!! Not awesome timing by runner's records, but to me it is awesome already!!
Nett timing:
1 hour 10 mins 44 secs
-HENG AH BECAUSE 16 MORE SECONDS JIU 11MINS AND THAT WOULD BE SIAN-
My previous personal best was 1hr12min+ I think.
Hang around the area, got FREE COTTON CANDY (only Ruth and I took, Jol didn't want) and took pics. Then went off to collect my Sundown racepack.
Collected and was abit upset because the guys and girls singlet different colour and the guys one is teal!! :(( But ok la after running in mine, I love it too. It's not ugly definitely, just that the guys one is nicer.
Anyway! Collected and decided to eat at Suntec since we were there (the Sundown collection was at Suntec convention hall). Initially wanted Astons but it only opens at 11.30 I think. And it was not even 11 yet. And we were STARVING. So we actually walked one whole round around the fountain area to look at the shops and so many weren't open either!!
Finally decided on Coffee Bean's all day breakfast and it is yummy!!
Once our food come we were totally quiet. Food is super important!! After that we basically went off home. Really had a great time just meeting up with them, talking about school, runs, our lives etc. Really thankful that these friendships have not changed despite my distancing away from them. It's nice to have friends who love you despite everything.
--
I realised as I grow older, there are important people who have slowly faded away. So many people who were once important to me are now so distant. Even Pam. But she makes effort to whatsapp me once in a blue moon and I never make effort, so despite everything I am thankful for her too.
And poly clique, we used to be big. I miss that, when we had bbqs and it was a bunch of us having fun. Now it has dropped to just 3 of us, Deanna, ZG and me. But it is enough for me. These are the important ones. That said, we are trying to pull jh back, and eileen too I guess? But the main one is still 3 of us.
--
17,19,23,26 May: Exams
My exams are cui. My last exam really very high chance of failing. I was so depressed about it and then right after my exams had a major quarrel with Tony. So.. okay. Anyway it has been decided that we will talk it out when he is back so.. I already almost know the final result.
But just very sian. I don't wanna retake any module. And tbh even though I keep telling everyone Honours is impossible already (and it is because need min 3.5gpa but mine is 3.38 and I am not doing well this sem so confirm drop), but I still just wish to do well and get honours. And Tony will never understand it. He just keeps saying he don't need me to get honours also. Ya because it aint for you bitch. Anyway. Everytime I tell him I worry for my school he just says aiya u can de. So sometimes abit sian.
Hope I don't fail any module this sem and miraculously do well!! Fingers crossed!!
--
28 May: SUNDOWN FULL MARATHON!!
MY FIRST EVER COMPLETED FULL MARATHON!!
Previously I think 2years back I joined the full marathon too.. But at 35km, 6.5 hours into the run, I got prematurely stopped because LTA was re-opening the roads. Which was abit sian because with 1.5hours left to do a 7+km it is doable. Because the cutoff time in 8hours.
But because of some miscomm or something between Sundown and LTA, they reopened when we are still running which means we can't run anymore on the roads because it is dangerous to be running beside cars. Only applicable to us slower runners though because the faster ones would have been further infront and not on the roads anymore. So because it was an error on Sundown's part, we did get the Finishers Medal and Finishers Tee. Never wore it though because I am NOT a finisher. I got principles de ok!! I wanted to throw it away but my mum say I crazy, just wear as a normal tshirt la! But cannot leh. it's like LYING you know. ITS LIKE CHEATING. IT'S LIKE A CRIME TO ME.
ANYWAY!! So I was worried because my previous time was quite cui, I walked alot. This time, I had no training AGAIN but the previous Sunday was my ST Run so I did get in 10km worth of run, so that was the only "training" I had. I did go down for a jog but after 1km it started to rain so I stopped after 2km-.- Whats the point right.
AND MY STOMACH WAS NOT FEELING WELL AGAIN. WTF RIGHT.
Anyway I was alittle depressed because noone wished me good luck or gave me encouragement. (That said, I didn't tell many people la. So paiseh right imagine I tell everyone then in the end never complete). The only "encouragement" I got was from my mum who said if I cannot then don't run. Walk or stop.
Not really an encouragement right. HAHAHA. Think she really worried because it is a full marathon and I didn't train at all, plus previously I had that knee pain. And maybe she scared I suddenly die, you know once in awhile got those reports those avid runners suddenly die when they run marathon. Avid runners leh. I am this never-train runner, go for full marathon, higher chance of dying right.
So went to the starting point and stood with the 6hour pacers (the slowest pacers already. I went for the slowest pacers). My goal was to complete it within 7hours because my 21km was about 3hours. Double would be 6hours but definitely after 21km I confirm walk almost all the way, so add another hour for my drop in speed.
Run started and immediately I know my condition was not all that good. Not in best condition, I couldn't seem to find my pace well. And my legs started aching very early on (There was a steep slope about 3km into the run which threw my pace off and caused my legs to ache badly).
Eventually decided to just grit my teeth and my goal was minimum 21km without stopping. What an ambition for someone who didn't train. Actually my initial goal was 35km without stopping which I know its impossible. Then after that I thought ok la 30km. Then after that I was like ok nevermind 25km. Then in the end I thought ok la half la half. 21km.
I only managed 18km. Which was quite upsetting for me because I managed 19km with injured knee+stomachache for my 2xu. So HOW CAN I DO WORSE?! But then during 2xu my legs weren't burning. But this time they felt so heavy!!
But I wasn't really breathless though so I guess my legs are weaker than my stamina? Because my legs gave up first?
Anyway so stopped at 18km but between 18km-21km I did jog quite abit. Like stop awhile, then jog again. From 21km onwards I did alot of walking.
I really wondered whether I can complete the run BUT!! I only brought a change of bra, undies and fbts. I DIDN'T BRING SHIRT BECAUSE I INTENDED TO WEAR THE FINISHER TEE.
So throughout the run I just kept telling myself "You better the hell complete this run and get the finisher tee otherwise you are going home in a sports bra!!"
Though to be utterly honest, I was already was starting to be creative with how I could go home with just a sports bra on. I even thought ok.. I got a small cardigan.. abit cropped.. I can wear it over my sports bra and then use a safety pin from my racebib to pin it close (Like buttoned up) and wear that back home.
I SWEAR. I EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULDN'T COMPLETE IT IN TIME.
But I forced myself to brisk walk even when walking. I didn't walk casually, so I did overtake afew people who were walking because my walking speed was still fast. I saw people resting on benches and OMG the temptation!! But I knew if I stop I possibly would not be able to complete the run because after stopping the legs will ache more.. so I pushed myself to continue walking even though my legs felt SO HEAVY.
Finally out of ECP area really cheered me up. We were in ECP area I think from 6km to 30 something km or something!! Craziness. Like ECP, you go and die can. I hate you so much after this run. HAHAHA
And then they made us run the Barrage. Really WTF. The Barrage in every run I join I am always praying DONT RUN UP DONT RUN UP. It is literally LIKE A HILL OK. RUN UP AND DOWN AND THE DISTANCE NOT THAT MUCH. But we were made to. And almost everyone walked. Waste of energy sia to run up!!
And then was Gardens by the Bay! Which was quite long also. Finally reached the ending point and I was SO DAMN PLEASED. Jogged and then ran past the finishing line, and timing was better than expected!!
Anyway, went to collect baggage and went to find the shower truck. That's what I super ULTIMATE LOVE about Sundown. Not sure about other runs which have marathons (eg Standard Chartered), but those 10km ones never have shower facilities. But my 1st sundown had and I loved it. But it was an open concept, just shower area with the water free flowing down and guys and girls all shower there.. So it's not a very clean wash because you can't take off your bra etc. The bolder females took off their singlet lor. Shower in sports bra and sports shorts. That was back when I was 20? I also took off my singlet HAHAHA. Who wanna look at me right, just wear sports bra and shower lor.
But the changing area was quite "open" also. Males didnt have changing area, females had. But it was just a huge tent, you go in and everyone is just facing the 'walls' and changing. IT WAS SO AWKWARD!! Eventually I changed my top half but I just couldn't bring myself to change my bottoms. I went to the tiny toilets to change my bottoms. Haha
BUT THIS YEAR IT WAS A GROHE SHOWER TRUCK, SEPERATED MALE AND FEMALES, AND WITH CUBICLES!! It is heaven I swear.
Somemore right.. girls no queue!! GUYS GOT QUEUE!! HAPPY DIE ME. Guess it's just that less girls went for the marathon that's why. And not all bathe ma. Plus each truck had about 5 cubicles.
So went in and.. its abit gross la cuz got pantyliner on the floor and long hair. but it's at the corner so I ignored it (also, was wearing slippers, so I'm 'covered')
I LOVED THE SHOWER SO MUCH. The water had a slight scent/fragrance to it but I didn't dislike it. Those who know me would know that I hate fragrances/scents. My nose is very sensitive. But that one was quite refreshing and THE WATER WAS COOL/COLD. Wah heaven, REALLY HEAVEN
My favourite part of my Sundown 2016 Full Marathon isn't crossing the finishing line. IT IS BATHING IN THAT SHOWER CUBICLE WITH COOL WATER, WASHING AWAY ALL MY SWEAT AND COOLING DOWN MY ACHING MUSCLES!
I spent quite awhile in the shower, super happy!! The cubicle beside me, we went into the showers at the same time but when I came out the truck was empty. HAHAHAHA. Well I am well known to be super slow at bathing, and I did take my own sweet time. But I'm not that mean ok, I did peek out through a little hole to make sure outside noone waiting. If have I would have hurried up.
Wore my finisher tee!! And went home. Had craving for KFC breakfast but Northpoint KFC closed down alr, so ok decided Mac brekkie. The queue was HORRENDOUS. So I decided to be atas and eat Starbucks. HAHAHAHA. WORST CHOICE EVER. I thought the Salmon and Broccoli quiche sounded nice and healthy. Cheat my money de lor. the Salmon like one little clump only and no taste de. Somemore they heat up but the middle is cold de. So Upset!!
By the time I reached home I sweat again so I had to shower again. Told my mum my finisher tee I wear for ~2hours, just from the run venue to home, like just for myself to show off liddat, because come back change out again after showering. HAHAHA. Liddat also happy
Nonetheless, TIMING WAY BETTER THAN EXPECTED!!
Sundown 2016 Full Marathon timing:
6 hours 27 mins 25 secs
YAY ME!!
--
4 June: Deanna's Graduation!
Deanna already choped us (ZG and I) long ago for her graduation and initially it was gonna be 18June which I AM NOT IN SINGAPORE!! So we were all pretty upset about it because it's a once in a lifetime graduation. And I missed diploma graduation lasttime somemore.
But then it got changed to 4June!! So I could make it!! Asked Deanna what flowers she liked (I thought her favourite was blue roses, I don't know why) and they were sunflowers. My 2nd favourite flower!! My favourite are baby's breath!
So I went online to look for florists which sold nice sunflower bouquets. HAHA and then I sent 3 of those which I narrowed down to Deanna to chose. So that wont be disappointed ma right? Though it means no surprise la! But Deanna told me to ask ZG so I went to ask him and he chose the one with the bear. Haha I guess it looked most 'graduation-ish'. Haha.
Anyway turns out ZG couldn't go because he hadta go JB. But his morning was free so we decided to meet Deanna BEFORE she went for her graduation ceremony. So I ordered the flowers already but was intending to collect them before Deanna came out after her ceremony. But morning was fine so we metup before her graduation and walked with her to Fullerton Hotel where her graduation was held.
We reached about 9plus and she hadta go in soon after so basically just had a little catchup and took pictures and Deanna went in and we went off for breakfast and then seperate off. ZG to JB and for me was to collect the flowers at Parkway/Marine Parade area.
Went to Bugis to eat breakfast and was disappointed because the KFC doesnt have a breakfast menu. :( So upsetting ok!! I really was hoping to eat the AM Twister Meal!!
Ok anyway halfway through ZG hadta leave because he was late or something so he went off. BUT BEFORE THAT HE WAS NIAMING NONSTOP ABOUT HOW ZINGER MEAL RAISED PRICES SO MUCH AND HE GOT CHEATED. Ya I hadta hear him say that afew times. Uncle much?! Haha
Then went off to Eunos, to take bus to Parkway Parade area. I didn't get lost while taking bus but after alighting I got lost.
On the map everything seems nice and simple right?! There was construction going on. I got TOTALLY LOST and started to panic. Even using maps I could not locate where to go!! In the end I had to use the GPS-ish function on my map and literally hold it infront of me like a compass and follow. Finally found the shop and collected the flowers. I knew the bus to take was very near the place so I immediately ran across the road when I was it was green man. AFTER I REACHED THE BUSSTOP I REALISED I WAS ON THE WRONG SIDE. So I hadta walk back to the busstop on the opposite side.
Finally got up the right bus and alighted at the right stop. BUT IT ISNT INFRONT OF FULLERTON HOTEL. It was Fullerton Bayfront something. So I thought ok the hotel must be behind!! And I anyhow wander and got lost AGAIN. Walked back to the busstop and used my phone map's GPS function AGAIN to find how to get to Fullerton. FINALLY FOUND IT AND GOT BACK INTO FULLERTON! The flowers were heavy!!
Then Deanna came out to find me! Took a cup of coke and then went with Deanna to find her colleagues. Then she say go inside and sit, inside got seats so YAY FINALLY CAN SIT DOWN!! Her colleagues ate while I didn't cuz was still full from KFC.
After that her family came and she took pictures with them, and her friends came and she took pictures with them. EVERYBODY BOUGHT HER SUNFLOWERS. Haha!! I thought I might be the only one to buy her flowers but she received FOUR BOUQUETS!! And all sunflowers haha. I think?
Anyway! Then everyone ate and etc and then she changed out and her family went off. Everyone ate already so we didn't look for a place for lunch so just wandered around looking for a cafe to chill at.
And inbetween they decided to go into Victoria's Secret to look at undies. ._.
Felt alittle weird being in such a pretty shop so just stood at a corner while Deanna and her bestie Priscilla (did i spell it right?) chose their undies. Haha.
Then we went to a cafe in the middle of nowhere? The drinks were not bad I guess? But not all that good either. Deanna had a chocolate milkshake and it was not bad, quite nice. I had an ice chocolate and it basically felt like the watered down version of Deanna's drink. So.. not impressed. Haha!!
The red velvet was not bad. Not a fan of cakes but felt that it was quite nice actually. Maybe also because it looks pretty. HAHA! *shallow*
Chilled there quite awhile and then went out and they were deciding where to go. So Priscilla and her bf were going Cathay. Or Cineleisure. I forgot. I always mix up these 2 places.
And then Kai Jing was going home so left Zhao Xiang (Did I spell it correctly also?) and Deanna's 2 colleagues.
Initially they decided to sing K but dunno why in the end decided everyone go home. Haha. So everyone split off and I took rebound and HOME!!
HAPPY GRADUATION DEANNAAA! Am really proud of you!! It's definitely not easy especially with your work that time being so demanding and having a boss which is not understanding nor reasonable. But through all the shit YOU GRADUATED!! Congrats!!(:
--
Relating to my previous blogpost about general unhappiness, I felt it again. Somehow I have been feeling more and more rotten these few days especially after exams because I should be rested and relaxed but we have started quarrelling all over again. It picked up again.
Also, his mother asked if I wanted to volunteer in July for some event which is bring wheelchair bound people to Har Par villa there for walkwalk etc. Which I am actually quite fine, although I dont get along well with people. I HATE PEOPLE. I do believe that I have social anxiety. Also, I am an introvert. Anyway, I really especially don't know how to relate to old/older people.
So she was telling me that she also asked ZP and ZP agreed immediately and she also mentioned ZP got do these things de (I'm assuming volunteer work), that's why she asked ZP when ZP was at their house.
So ok, she kept emphasizing to me that need to take care of old people de, need to take care of old people de. And frankly I felt quite insulted. YES I FUCKING KNOW IT. I'm not stupid or anything, you tell me first time I heard it and understand already but she kept repeating to me. Just feel like im being compared to ZP, she is like so guai and kind and selfless and does volunteer work while for me she has to keep reminding me I need to work with old people de (so I'm assuming she means I'm not up to it thats why she keep reminding me so that I know what I am getting into before agreeing). Don't get me wrong I think it's awesome that ZP is so nice and kind. But just felt insulted because just feel she is comparing??
Anyway, also because of that I felt worse because as already mentioned, I already think ZP is a perfect girl. And wtf, now I find out she does volunteer work too?! How can anyone be so perfect. And how can I be so terrible. I just look at myself and I feel like I'm looking at a pile of shit.
My self esteem is to the dogs. It's not that I am against doing volunteer work, I once did Project Angelz where we went to cleanup and paint houses for the less priviledged at Macpherson area (the old people residences) and I quite enjoyed it. BUT I hate contact with people as in talking. So I like to do things which I dont need to interact at all. And most volunteer work aren't like that?
Anyway basically feel really crappy. Like not only do I have nothing to my name, I don't earn much, I don't even have characteristics to be proud of. What the hell seriously.
Basically very down. And don't know how to describe how down I am and other factors which also make me down. Basically in a very dark place right now.
<3 p="">Just feel like I'm trying to figure out who I am and should be because I just currently feel like a disappointment. To myself.
Anyway I haven't been updating since mid May. The shark one was a random little post. And on 3June Deanna called me (her graduation was on 4June) and then I was complaining to her that she never update when she said she would update about her sister's wedding! So she said she will soon and she said I also didn't update! And she mentioned "I go your blog and it's still about the shark!" Haha so okay.. Deanna has already updated 3 posts since that day.. so I need to update too. Haha
--
18 May: Bike Pract Lesson 3 (Part II)
I PASSED!!! LIKE A FINALLY!! Actually not really la it was my 2nd Lesson 3 (Part II), so not like i took AGES. But then the instructor mentioned during my 1st time that this lesson should be passed within 1 to 2 tries because it is more like a recap. It is actually just going through the assessment route and the motorcycle simulator. But I don't know why this time no simulator but SUPER HAPPY ABOUT THAT. HATE THE SIMULATOR.
Anyway! So went for class being really depressed and down because I just feel the more I go for lessons the worse I become. Not that I am good to begin with. But as lesson progresses and I make mistakes, I tend to have phobias. Like cornering. Previously can corner well but after that incident I tend to slow down and my timing is unsafe plus I wobble. So.. need to work on it.
Instructor wasn't very pleased with us as a whole so I was seriously thinking die need to retake AGAIN. 2 instructors, and they said we are as a whole quite wobbly, not stable. Especially if need to stop at the end of the figure 8 or crank course. We often end up stopping in the wrong gear (gear 2) otherwise our feet both on the floor.
So they made us practise stopping no matter whether the lane is free or got oncoming vehicle. Which is not bad I guess.. practice makes perfect anyway.
AND AMAZINGLY WE ALL PASSED. Guess the instructor scold scold scold but actually quite soft. But very worried about it.
Instructor mentioned that we could either book Lesson 4 next (which is assessment), or book circuit revision to practice more before going for Lesson 4. So decided to go for CR first for some more practice.
--
20 May: Bike Pract Circuit Revision
So as mentioned, I decided to book CR for more practice but really, I hated it. Basically CR it's kinda own time own target, practice what you want. But noone told me. So I didn't know what to do and got really confused and lost when everyone started moving in different directions. So.. I followed this guy around. Which course he go, I also go. Which is fine because I mean generally I need practice for all the courses right? EXCEPT AFTER AFEW COURSES I FOLLOWED HIM AND HE STOPPED AND I ALSO STOPPED. I THINK HE WANTED TO GO TOILET. And i just stopped behind him and looked at him with I guess the most blur face ever?? Like the "What do I do now, why did you stop?" face. And he looked at me curiously and told me "You can go ahead you know"
Basically I practically followed a guy to the toilet. Wtf right. Haha.
Ended up I decided to just keep following the assessment route for familiarisation of the route plus practice all the courses.
Anyway! I think generally all my courses are not good but I am quite scared about slope because I almost always stall on the slope!! :((
Booked another CR on 24May but in the end didn't go because I wasn't feeling well. So wasted that CR.. and then I decided fuck it and afew days back booked Lesson 4. Just go for assessment. If fail, retake lor.
Really more and more dreading bike lessons. It's not that it's not fun. It is to a certain extent. But when I feel so lousy and terrible at the courses and stuff, it makes me demoralised and not feel like continuing.
--
22 May: Straits Times Run 2016 with Ruth and Jolene
My yearly affair with these 2 ladies!!
This is my 4th year joining the ST Run and it is the 4th year the run is being held!! We are such loyal supporters. Haha! Initially the racepack goodies are damn good de lor. 1st year was SEA Aquarium. 2nd year was Alive Museum. 3rd and 4th year kanasai already. Haha. $200 Chan Brothers voucher, who will use-.-
Anyway! So it fell inconveniently inbetween my exams.. so I didn't train at all. Though tbh, when have I ever trained for my runs. Not that I am proud of saying that.. but I really never ever train. Which sometimes I regret because it means I could have done better!! Nonetheless I did go downstairs for a little jog the week before so.. warmed up my legs abit I guess. Not training though.
ANYWAY! I didn't sleep at all the night before the run. Was supposed to wake early because need to catch the shuttle bus, but because exams period I study best late at night so I had been studying till 4am most nights, and even though I went to sleep early for a good rest for my run, I COULDN'T SLEEP. So I just lie in bed wide awake trying to sleep.
Was really tired but quite excited about the run. It was drizzling abit so it's good that it was cooling. However AGAIN I had slight stomachache. Mentioned it to my mum and she said aiyo cham liao why recently all my runs my stomach not good :(
Which is really true sia. This year practically all my runs my stomach not on form de-.- Stomach, why you so bad de!
Metup with Ruth and Jol at the baggage deposit area, deposited our bags and off we go to the starting point! After the run, went to a sheltered area to wait for them since it was still drizzling and the floor was wet.
This is the first ever 10km that I fully ran without stopping (except hydration stations), so I am pretty proud of myself!! Most runs by 8km I stop. Which is weird because I realised the furthest I can run without stopping so far is 19km (with a stomachache and injured knee. Meaning I can definitely do better), so I was always upset why a simple 10km I just can't grit my teeth and run all the way.
So this being the 1st time I ran fully a run without stopping, I was super happy!! Not to mention this is my new personal best!! Not awesome timing by runner's records, but to me it is awesome already!!
Nett timing:
1 hour 10 mins 44 secs
-HENG AH BECAUSE 16 MORE SECONDS JIU 11MINS AND THAT WOULD BE SIAN-
My previous personal best was 1hr12min+ I think.
Hang around the area, got FREE COTTON CANDY (only Ruth and I took, Jol didn't want) and took pics. Then went off to collect my Sundown racepack.
Collected and was abit upset because the guys and girls singlet different colour and the guys one is teal!! :(( But ok la after running in mine, I love it too. It's not ugly definitely, just that the guys one is nicer.
Anyway! Collected and decided to eat at Suntec since we were there (the Sundown collection was at Suntec convention hall). Initially wanted Astons but it only opens at 11.30 I think. And it was not even 11 yet. And we were STARVING. So we actually walked one whole round around the fountain area to look at the shops and so many weren't open either!!
Finally decided on Coffee Bean's all day breakfast and it is yummy!!
Once our food come we were totally quiet. Food is super important!! After that we basically went off home. Really had a great time just meeting up with them, talking about school, runs, our lives etc. Really thankful that these friendships have not changed despite my distancing away from them. It's nice to have friends who love you despite everything.
--
I realised as I grow older, there are important people who have slowly faded away. So many people who were once important to me are now so distant. Even Pam. But she makes effort to whatsapp me once in a blue moon and I never make effort, so despite everything I am thankful for her too.
And poly clique, we used to be big. I miss that, when we had bbqs and it was a bunch of us having fun. Now it has dropped to just 3 of us, Deanna, ZG and me. But it is enough for me. These are the important ones. That said, we are trying to pull jh back, and eileen too I guess? But the main one is still 3 of us.
--
17,19,23,26 May: Exams
My exams are cui. My last exam really very high chance of failing. I was so depressed about it and then right after my exams had a major quarrel with Tony. So.. okay. Anyway it has been decided that we will talk it out when he is back so.. I already almost know the final result.
But just very sian. I don't wanna retake any module. And tbh even though I keep telling everyone Honours is impossible already (and it is because need min 3.5gpa but mine is 3.38 and I am not doing well this sem so confirm drop), but I still just wish to do well and get honours. And Tony will never understand it. He just keeps saying he don't need me to get honours also. Ya because it aint for you bitch. Anyway. Everytime I tell him I worry for my school he just says aiya u can de. So sometimes abit sian.
Hope I don't fail any module this sem and miraculously do well!! Fingers crossed!!
--
28 May: SUNDOWN FULL MARATHON!!
MY FIRST EVER COMPLETED FULL MARATHON!!
Previously I think 2years back I joined the full marathon too.. But at 35km, 6.5 hours into the run, I got prematurely stopped because LTA was re-opening the roads. Which was abit sian because with 1.5hours left to do a 7+km it is doable. Because the cutoff time in 8hours.
But because of some miscomm or something between Sundown and LTA, they reopened when we are still running which means we can't run anymore on the roads because it is dangerous to be running beside cars. Only applicable to us slower runners though because the faster ones would have been further infront and not on the roads anymore. So because it was an error on Sundown's part, we did get the Finishers Medal and Finishers Tee. Never wore it though because I am NOT a finisher. I got principles de ok!! I wanted to throw it away but my mum say I crazy, just wear as a normal tshirt la! But cannot leh. it's like LYING you know. ITS LIKE CHEATING. IT'S LIKE A CRIME TO ME.
ANYWAY!! So I was worried because my previous time was quite cui, I walked alot. This time, I had no training AGAIN but the previous Sunday was my ST Run so I did get in 10km worth of run, so that was the only "training" I had. I did go down for a jog but after 1km it started to rain so I stopped after 2km-.- Whats the point right.
AND MY STOMACH WAS NOT FEELING WELL AGAIN. WTF RIGHT.
Anyway I was alittle depressed because noone wished me good luck or gave me encouragement. (That said, I didn't tell many people la. So paiseh right imagine I tell everyone then in the end never complete). The only "encouragement" I got was from my mum who said if I cannot then don't run. Walk or stop.
Not really an encouragement right. HAHAHA. Think she really worried because it is a full marathon and I didn't train at all, plus previously I had that knee pain. And maybe she scared I suddenly die, you know once in awhile got those reports those avid runners suddenly die when they run marathon. Avid runners leh. I am this never-train runner, go for full marathon, higher chance of dying right.
So went to the starting point and stood with the 6hour pacers (the slowest pacers already. I went for the slowest pacers). My goal was to complete it within 7hours because my 21km was about 3hours. Double would be 6hours but definitely after 21km I confirm walk almost all the way, so add another hour for my drop in speed.
Run started and immediately I know my condition was not all that good. Not in best condition, I couldn't seem to find my pace well. And my legs started aching very early on (There was a steep slope about 3km into the run which threw my pace off and caused my legs to ache badly).
Eventually decided to just grit my teeth and my goal was minimum 21km without stopping. What an ambition for someone who didn't train. Actually my initial goal was 35km without stopping which I know its impossible. Then after that I thought ok la 30km. Then after that I was like ok nevermind 25km. Then in the end I thought ok la half la half. 21km.
I only managed 18km. Which was quite upsetting for me because I managed 19km with injured knee+stomachache for my 2xu. So HOW CAN I DO WORSE?! But then during 2xu my legs weren't burning. But this time they felt so heavy!!
But I wasn't really breathless though so I guess my legs are weaker than my stamina? Because my legs gave up first?
Anyway so stopped at 18km but between 18km-21km I did jog quite abit. Like stop awhile, then jog again. From 21km onwards I did alot of walking.
I really wondered whether I can complete the run BUT!! I only brought a change of bra, undies and fbts. I DIDN'T BRING SHIRT BECAUSE I INTENDED TO WEAR THE FINISHER TEE.
So throughout the run I just kept telling myself "You better the hell complete this run and get the finisher tee otherwise you are going home in a sports bra!!"
Though to be utterly honest, I was already was starting to be creative with how I could go home with just a sports bra on. I even thought ok.. I got a small cardigan.. abit cropped.. I can wear it over my sports bra and then use a safety pin from my racebib to pin it close (Like buttoned up) and wear that back home.
I SWEAR. I EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULDN'T COMPLETE IT IN TIME.
But I forced myself to brisk walk even when walking. I didn't walk casually, so I did overtake afew people who were walking because my walking speed was still fast. I saw people resting on benches and OMG the temptation!! But I knew if I stop I possibly would not be able to complete the run because after stopping the legs will ache more.. so I pushed myself to continue walking even though my legs felt SO HEAVY.
Finally out of ECP area really cheered me up. We were in ECP area I think from 6km to 30 something km or something!! Craziness. Like ECP, you go and die can. I hate you so much after this run. HAHAHA
And then they made us run the Barrage. Really WTF. The Barrage in every run I join I am always praying DONT RUN UP DONT RUN UP. It is literally LIKE A HILL OK. RUN UP AND DOWN AND THE DISTANCE NOT THAT MUCH. But we were made to. And almost everyone walked. Waste of energy sia to run up!!
And then was Gardens by the Bay! Which was quite long also. Finally reached the ending point and I was SO DAMN PLEASED. Jogged and then ran past the finishing line, and timing was better than expected!!
Anyway, went to collect baggage and went to find the shower truck. That's what I super ULTIMATE LOVE about Sundown. Not sure about other runs which have marathons (eg Standard Chartered), but those 10km ones never have shower facilities. But my 1st sundown had and I loved it. But it was an open concept, just shower area with the water free flowing down and guys and girls all shower there.. So it's not a very clean wash because you can't take off your bra etc. The bolder females took off their singlet lor. Shower in sports bra and sports shorts. That was back when I was 20? I also took off my singlet HAHAHA. Who wanna look at me right, just wear sports bra and shower lor.
But the changing area was quite "open" also. Males didnt have changing area, females had. But it was just a huge tent, you go in and everyone is just facing the 'walls' and changing. IT WAS SO AWKWARD!! Eventually I changed my top half but I just couldn't bring myself to change my bottoms. I went to the tiny toilets to change my bottoms. Haha
BUT THIS YEAR IT WAS A GROHE SHOWER TRUCK, SEPERATED MALE AND FEMALES, AND WITH CUBICLES!! It is heaven I swear.
Somemore right.. girls no queue!! GUYS GOT QUEUE!! HAPPY DIE ME. Guess it's just that less girls went for the marathon that's why. And not all bathe ma. Plus each truck had about 5 cubicles.
So went in and.. its abit gross la cuz got pantyliner on the floor and long hair. but it's at the corner so I ignored it (also, was wearing slippers, so I'm 'covered')
I LOVED THE SHOWER SO MUCH. The water had a slight scent/fragrance to it but I didn't dislike it. Those who know me would know that I hate fragrances/scents. My nose is very sensitive. But that one was quite refreshing and THE WATER WAS COOL/COLD. Wah heaven, REALLY HEAVEN
My favourite part of my Sundown 2016 Full Marathon isn't crossing the finishing line. IT IS BATHING IN THAT SHOWER CUBICLE WITH COOL WATER, WASHING AWAY ALL MY SWEAT AND COOLING DOWN MY ACHING MUSCLES!
I spent quite awhile in the shower, super happy!! The cubicle beside me, we went into the showers at the same time but when I came out the truck was empty. HAHAHAHA. Well I am well known to be super slow at bathing, and I did take my own sweet time. But I'm not that mean ok, I did peek out through a little hole to make sure outside noone waiting. If have I would have hurried up.
Wore my finisher tee!! And went home. Had craving for KFC breakfast but Northpoint KFC closed down alr, so ok decided Mac brekkie. The queue was HORRENDOUS. So I decided to be atas and eat Starbucks. HAHAHAHA. WORST CHOICE EVER. I thought the Salmon and Broccoli quiche sounded nice and healthy. Cheat my money de lor. the Salmon like one little clump only and no taste de. Somemore they heat up but the middle is cold de. So Upset!!
By the time I reached home I sweat again so I had to shower again. Told my mum my finisher tee I wear for ~2hours, just from the run venue to home, like just for myself to show off liddat, because come back change out again after showering. HAHAHA. Liddat also happy
Nonetheless, TIMING WAY BETTER THAN EXPECTED!!
Sundown 2016 Full Marathon timing:
6 hours 27 mins 25 secs
YAY ME!!
--
4 June: Deanna's Graduation!
Deanna already choped us (ZG and I) long ago for her graduation and initially it was gonna be 18June which I AM NOT IN SINGAPORE!! So we were all pretty upset about it because it's a once in a lifetime graduation. And I missed diploma graduation lasttime somemore.
But then it got changed to 4June!! So I could make it!! Asked Deanna what flowers she liked (I thought her favourite was blue roses, I don't know why) and they were sunflowers. My 2nd favourite flower!! My favourite are baby's breath!
So I went online to look for florists which sold nice sunflower bouquets. HAHA and then I sent 3 of those which I narrowed down to Deanna to chose. So that wont be disappointed ma right? Though it means no surprise la! But Deanna told me to ask ZG so I went to ask him and he chose the one with the bear. Haha I guess it looked most 'graduation-ish'. Haha.
Anyway turns out ZG couldn't go because he hadta go JB. But his morning was free so we decided to meet Deanna BEFORE she went for her graduation ceremony. So I ordered the flowers already but was intending to collect them before Deanna came out after her ceremony. But morning was fine so we metup before her graduation and walked with her to Fullerton Hotel where her graduation was held.
We reached about 9plus and she hadta go in soon after so basically just had a little catchup and took pictures and Deanna went in and we went off for breakfast and then seperate off. ZG to JB and for me was to collect the flowers at Parkway/Marine Parade area.
Went to Bugis to eat breakfast and was disappointed because the KFC doesnt have a breakfast menu. :( So upsetting ok!! I really was hoping to eat the AM Twister Meal!!
Ok anyway halfway through ZG hadta leave because he was late or something so he went off. BUT BEFORE THAT HE WAS NIAMING NONSTOP ABOUT HOW ZINGER MEAL RAISED PRICES SO MUCH AND HE GOT CHEATED. Ya I hadta hear him say that afew times. Uncle much?! Haha
Then went off to Eunos, to take bus to Parkway Parade area. I didn't get lost while taking bus but after alighting I got lost.
On the map everything seems nice and simple right?! There was construction going on. I got TOTALLY LOST and started to panic. Even using maps I could not locate where to go!! In the end I had to use the GPS-ish function on my map and literally hold it infront of me like a compass and follow. Finally found the shop and collected the flowers. I knew the bus to take was very near the place so I immediately ran across the road when I was it was green man. AFTER I REACHED THE BUSSTOP I REALISED I WAS ON THE WRONG SIDE. So I hadta walk back to the busstop on the opposite side.
Finally got up the right bus and alighted at the right stop. BUT IT ISNT INFRONT OF FULLERTON HOTEL. It was Fullerton Bayfront something. So I thought ok the hotel must be behind!! And I anyhow wander and got lost AGAIN. Walked back to the busstop and used my phone map's GPS function AGAIN to find how to get to Fullerton. FINALLY FOUND IT AND GOT BACK INTO FULLERTON! The flowers were heavy!!
Then Deanna came out to find me! Took a cup of coke and then went with Deanna to find her colleagues. Then she say go inside and sit, inside got seats so YAY FINALLY CAN SIT DOWN!! Her colleagues ate while I didn't cuz was still full from KFC.
After that her family came and she took pictures with them, and her friends came and she took pictures with them. EVERYBODY BOUGHT HER SUNFLOWERS. Haha!! I thought I might be the only one to buy her flowers but she received FOUR BOUQUETS!! And all sunflowers haha. I think?
Anyway! Then everyone ate and etc and then she changed out and her family went off. Everyone ate already so we didn't look for a place for lunch so just wandered around looking for a cafe to chill at.
And inbetween they decided to go into Victoria's Secret to look at undies. ._.
Felt alittle weird being in such a pretty shop so just stood at a corner while Deanna and her bestie Priscilla (did i spell it right?) chose their undies. Haha.
Then we went to a cafe in the middle of nowhere? The drinks were not bad I guess? But not all that good either. Deanna had a chocolate milkshake and it was not bad, quite nice. I had an ice chocolate and it basically felt like the watered down version of Deanna's drink. So.. not impressed. Haha!!
The red velvet was not bad. Not a fan of cakes but felt that it was quite nice actually. Maybe also because it looks pretty. HAHA! *shallow*
Chilled there quite awhile and then went out and they were deciding where to go. So Priscilla and her bf were going Cathay. Or Cineleisure. I forgot. I always mix up these 2 places.
And then Kai Jing was going home so left Zhao Xiang (Did I spell it correctly also?) and Deanna's 2 colleagues.
Initially they decided to sing K but dunno why in the end decided everyone go home. Haha. So everyone split off and I took rebound and HOME!!
HAPPY GRADUATION DEANNAAA! Am really proud of you!! It's definitely not easy especially with your work that time being so demanding and having a boss which is not understanding nor reasonable. But through all the shit YOU GRADUATED!! Congrats!!(:
--
Relating to my previous blogpost about general unhappiness, I felt it again. Somehow I have been feeling more and more rotten these few days especially after exams because I should be rested and relaxed but we have started quarrelling all over again. It picked up again.
Also, his mother asked if I wanted to volunteer in July for some event which is bring wheelchair bound people to Har Par villa there for walkwalk etc. Which I am actually quite fine, although I dont get along well with people. I HATE PEOPLE. I do believe that I have social anxiety. Also, I am an introvert. Anyway, I really especially don't know how to relate to old/older people.
So she was telling me that she also asked ZP and ZP agreed immediately and she also mentioned ZP got do these things de (I'm assuming volunteer work), that's why she asked ZP when ZP was at their house.
So ok, she kept emphasizing to me that need to take care of old people de, need to take care of old people de. And frankly I felt quite insulted. YES I FUCKING KNOW IT. I'm not stupid or anything, you tell me first time I heard it and understand already but she kept repeating to me. Just feel like im being compared to ZP, she is like so guai and kind and selfless and does volunteer work while for me she has to keep reminding me I need to work with old people de (so I'm assuming she means I'm not up to it thats why she keep reminding me so that I know what I am getting into before agreeing). Don't get me wrong I think it's awesome that ZP is so nice and kind. But just felt insulted because just feel she is comparing??
Anyway, also because of that I felt worse because as already mentioned, I already think ZP is a perfect girl. And wtf, now I find out she does volunteer work too?! How can anyone be so perfect. And how can I be so terrible. I just look at myself and I feel like I'm looking at a pile of shit.
My self esteem is to the dogs. It's not that I am against doing volunteer work, I once did Project Angelz where we went to cleanup and paint houses for the less priviledged at Macpherson area (the old people residences) and I quite enjoyed it. BUT I hate contact with people as in talking. So I like to do things which I dont need to interact at all. And most volunteer work aren't like that?
Anyway basically feel really crappy. Like not only do I have nothing to my name, I don't earn much, I don't even have characteristics to be proud of. What the hell seriously.
Basically very down. And don't know how to describe how down I am and other factors which also make me down. Basically in a very dark place right now.
<3 p="">Just feel like I'm trying to figure out who I am and should be because I just currently feel like a disappointment. To myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)