Tears

So we have not been speaking since Sunday evening-ish when we had a quarrel over my dinner. Like as in, about my dinner. It was supposed to be a birthday dinner for my sis, and my mum suggested Dian Xiao Er at J8 because my mum was gonna be at Bishan area (at my aunt's shop) before that and also she really likes Dian Xiao Er. (This is on the same day as Deanna's graduation)

Anyway so being the nice gf that I am, I told him about it all, going to eat at Dian Xiao Er at J8 for my sister's birthday dinner. I don't like to lie or hide stuff, and especially don't like to say stuff I don't mean (such as "I try" when he says eat less meat because I know I won't try so why bother giving false hope? I hate people giving false hope so I try never to even give false hope. Also, by saying I try he might take it as a yes and then push for more and more so I don't want that to happen. Already so many times I gave in abit but instead of being appreciative, he just pushes for more.)

So then he kicked up a big fuss about how I could not say I would try to eat less meat etc and how I am still eating alot of meat etc. And I got pretty pissed and told him this is my family dinner, and it is for birthday somemore, and he just replied IN CAPS, something about go with your family then! etcetc.

Now, while I don't super love my sister, nor do I love my father, however my mum is the number 1 most important person in my life and nothing will ever change that. Nothing even comes close to my mum as well. So I got pretty pissed and told him to respect my family.

Basically he said this time (the quarrel) is my fault and then we stopped talking because I definitely don't think it is my fault and he insists it's my fault.

So anyway I've been through Sunday evening, Monday, Tuesday without crying. It just felt like my emotions shut down. I don't know what exactly it means, does it mean I'm starting to love less? Does it mean I am getting numb to the quarrels? I don't know.

But yesterday I went for my Bike Pract Lesson 4, Assessment. And I failed terribly. I was feeling really down about it (I fell off the plank so immediate failure. That said, I also got 28 demerit points. What the hell man. Tell me how to get a bike license like this. I got 12 points from wobbly-when-turning. Omg.)

So I went to SSC because there was a direct bus from SSDC, and because Tony previously transferred me money to change into ringgit for him and he insisted on SSC because he say SSC rates are better than NP. But I checked NP's rates before going for Pract and after Pract I went SSC to check the rates and both are 2.98. I TOLD HIM NP RATES ARE NOT BAD DE LOR.

Anyway, I did tell him before that NP rates are not bad but he just went all passive aggressive and said I shun bian otw to or from bike pract I just stop by SSC change money very difficult meh etcetc. So I just got fed up that time and decided fine he like to make me run around and never think for me, nevermind. As long as my conscience is clear and I know I am not demanding like that.

Anyway so I went to check SSC and it was also 2.98 so I wasn't sure whether to change or not. So I messaged AM because I'm having cold war with Tony. Asked her opinion whether should change or wait (and maybe might go up).

Then while waiting for her reply I went for Subway because I hadn't had dinner. After subway was about 9.12? I assumed the money changer would be open till 930. But I went out of subway and realised the money changer closed already. Oh well, problem solved.

But then in Subway, I heard the song "Locked Away" which was one of his favourite songs, and one song we played endlessly during previous roadtrip, and one song which had very meaningful lyrics, especially at my point in time.

This part:
If I got locked away
And we lost it all today...
Tell me honestly...
Would you still love me the same?
If I showed you my flaws
If I couldn't be strong
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?

So basically I was ordering my food and heard this song. And almost teared there la wtf. At the counter. I think the part that hit me was all the 'situations' and then the Would you still love me the same?. The rest is like rap or something, I'm not sure. Anyway I only remember and feel emotional at this part. And after that I got really depressed. I mean I was already very down about bike, then this happened so I was really down.

Then went home feeling really quite down. When walking back just (as mentioned previously) felt that I am really in a dark place. And it kinda scared me a little because I was starting to wonder whether I am really getting mild depression. Now all along I'm worried I would have depression. I do believe that I am prone to depression.

Reached home and still very down. Even with mummy talking there as normal, I couldn't cheer up. Not sure if mummy realised or anything but I did mention to her I failed my bike assessment so maybe she thought it was that, so didn't comment or ask much also.

Eventually went to bed and for the first time since Sunday's quarrel, I cried in bed. I was surprised I cried. And then after laying in bed for a looooong time and finally fell asleep.

And I woke up today morning with tears in my eyes. I was really suuuper shocked. To the extent I wondered aloud "Why are there tears in my eyes??"

So, I really don't know la.

Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?