i suspect depression?

So many things i did.. but still, you zoom in on the things i do wrong..

its tiring to always quarrel. its tiring to always have to defend myself.

Its so tough when i make effort and then when i get angry at you for telling me things last min you turn the table around and scold ME for being difficult and etc.

Everytime i talk to you i have this fear that anything said might escalate into a quarrel. Yes, no doubt im always the one who starts shouting/getting agitated. But you have a special fucked up way of saying things which are so damn demeaning, patronising, condescending and super insulting.

Then when i get angry because you calmly insulted me, you can say why must i get so agitated, you are talking in a very nice tone.

So passive aggressive. I dont know how you do it. but you sure are manipulative.

Sometimes I hate you.

Too bad it seems like i love you more? I dont know. I know nothing except that i miss you but even then i am afraid to dream of anything.

Even though we are planning a little group trip to Port Dickon with the rest, im afraid we might breakup before that and how awkward it would be. I probably would do a no-show then. I really dont know. Something is definitely wrong if i am thinking such thoughts right?