i am done.

Why do some people enjoy making life difficult for others?

Why do you, when something has already been settled and followed your wishes already, still want to make changes?

Why fix whats not broken?

Why look for nonsense things to nitpick on??

Are you so fucking free to think of making life more difficult for others?

Did you ever consider that events need time and effort and energy to plan? Why change something which is already fixed? Where we already fucking followed your wishes to go and get an auspicious date. Where the previous date you suggested for this year I was already excited for, then you said no cannot have 2 weddings in 1 year. Sure, fine we change date and go and ask for an auspicious date. Then the date comes and just nice it's in the same month as our anniversary. I am happy about it since its easier to remember though if I had it my way it would be on our anniversary itself. Nevermind, you happy I wont complain else more trouble.

Things were fixed, I was telling people when my wedding would be etc. Then our BTO gets delayed. Nothing much, it's kinda expected anyway. THEN you turn around and tell him, NOT ME OR US, JUST HIM, that oh should stay in same house after getting married. We are gonna get the house less than half a year into our wedding. It's fucking fine.

Why must you stick your nose into every single thing. We followed your wishes already. Initially suddenly had to get married this year. Then after we were okay with that, suddenly you said no cannot. Ok fine we followed your wishes. THEN you said to go and ask for an auspicious date. Sure we went to get that. And at that point you told HIM AND NOT ME OR US that I raised my voice at you. I was firm. Extremely firm but in no way did I raise my voice at you. If you are too weak that's your fucking problem. Fuck him too for saying I did it too. You all obviously have not seen the difference between being firm and raising voice. Forget it. You decided to complain to HIM AND HE CONFRONTED ME. Fine, forget it. We stick to the auspicious date given. Everything is all good. NOW you fucking want to delay to 2nd half of next year JUST BECAUSE MARRIED COUPLES SHOULD STAY TOGETHER AFTER GETTING MARRIED.

Sorry, I know he is trying by suggesting I move in after the wedding. Why the fuck would I when you are always giving me trouble. When I have my own room and the best mum in the world to stay with until my house comes??

I hate 2021

 It's only mid-end Jan so far and I am so done with 2021.

Im apart from my work family (split into 2 offices and they are in another block), though quite afew of us are in the same block however it is the main office and the culture there is extremely different.

Im in a class which Im struggling with not because of the children showing behaviours because so far they are relatively calm (ish), but then its just the whole feel. Plus I am no longer with my favouritest colleague whom i shall not name here just incase. But I really love working together with her and then now to be able to see her in another class but not work with her, its killing me.

And I am really not doing well.

Everyday I wake up and think I wanna quit my job and I wanna stop my studies. It's so bad to the extent that every little thing triggers me and I almost raised breaking up with Tony just cuz he was thinking not to come over to stay over on one day.

I'm dying. I'm ready for 2021 to end. Infact last year I felt I almost had depression from Circuit Breaker but now I'm like maybe Circuit Breaker would be good now cuz I'm not with the people I enjoy being with at work anyway.

2020. The year of testings

 I hate 2020.

I remember a phrase often heard in church; 'God will not test you beyond what you cannot bear.'

And I remember always being so thankful that God knew I was weak so He never tested me in things that were really important and close to my heart.

Apparenty someday a time of testing will still come. This year is by far the worst year I have ever had in my entire life. And that's saying something, considering that I have lived close to 29 years already. As if the pandemic wasn't causing enough emotional distress in me.

I gotta be honest, I've always been a really blessed girl.

Now, even though what hurts and scares me the most is not even a confirmed but only a guess, it already hurts me so much.

All along I have been someone who kinda dares to do things which at times surprise people considering I'm not a daredevil type of person. Shave my head? Sure. Travel alone to a foreign country far away to volunteer alone? Sure.

Because all along I know I have a safety net. I have a safe place. I know that even 14hours away by flight, if I were to ever get into trouble and needed help, you would come to me in a heartbeat. You would set aside everything, book a flight to find me, sit 14 frigging hours on a cramped plane without knowledge of how to navigate transit flights and a foreign language and come for me.

What am I ever going to do without you? I don't ever want to know, and I pray that I will never need to know. Please forever be my safe place. I need you in my life.

Crossing oceans

So recently just had a quarrel with Tony regarding many things. Same old issues as well as new issues. Pretty frustrating, especially the one about his FT and how I am no longer willing to give in and go for it. And how I outright reject him. What should I have done then? Pretend to be thinking about it but reject him in the end? Doesn't make sense also right.

Anyway, I thought of the quote which said "Don't cross oceans for people who won't cross a puddle for you." Because I felt that I have been crossing oceans for him previously, all sorts of things which made me unhappy but I did it anyway, just for him. But when I realised that I really didn't enjoy it and was slowly hating myself more, I decided to stop and that was also when I realised that he wasn't able to accept and respect that. He wasn't going to even cross a puddle for me.
And so I went to google it. And this came up:

And I think it really kinda gave me a wake-up call. Yes I've been crossing oceans for him. Yes he wouldn't cross a puddle for . But, life and love isn't about what you gain. It's about what you give. Wow. I think that really made me rethink myself.

Yes I still won't go back to FT just because of this. But I think it helped me lessen the blame I put on him. I shouldn't see the effort/respect he put in and compare it to the amount that I did.

End of the day as he said, he always tries to fetch me to and from school. Not always, but whenever he is able to usually he does.

But honestly speaking I was feeling really neglected the week before and was really unhappy and lonely. And then shit happened. Mum went A&E cuz of knee, then the very next day Tony went A&E cuz of knee AS WELL and found out it was a hairline crack.

And it was long weekend cuz of Good Friday. I was really down because I thought I finally had some times with him and there we are, stuck with being able to do nothing. Maybe I expected too much, maybe I hoped for too much.

Regardless, I really don't know. There are some oceans/mountains that I really cant cross/climb. The FT one. I can't. But he made it pretty clear that he will never propose if I can't support him in that area.

Frustrated. Assignment deadline is over but I haven't started it. Gonna use the grace period to rush but I really have no mood. Fuck this. Really. I just wanna be happy. What's so wrong with me that I can't even enjoy this year. The last year of studying. What did I do so wrong previously for this. I know I'm not a good person, who volunteers or etc. But I don't need luxuries. I just wanna be loved. Is that so difficult?? Or maybe as he once said, I am difficult to love.

Missing Poly days

This is a random blogpost but I've been looking at the "On this day" thing through facebook which reminds you what happened (if any) years ago on this very day.

It's almost always poly period because that was when I was active on FB. And honestly speaking, I really miss poly times. I miss my poly clique. I miss Ruth. I miss my church friends. I miss church camp so fucking much (FYI, because this period happens to be church camp period years ago and I seriously cant stop missing church camp). I miss being happy. I miss being carefee. I miss having the freedom to be myself. I REALLY REALLY miss church camps. Where all the people I love from church are all together and we end up tonning because we are doing heart-to-heart talks with each other. Oh goodness. I miss people who are no longer close to me but will always carry a special place in my heart. (Hi deanna, including you and ZG kay!)
Like I mentioned, poly clique, church clique, and random people here and there.

Life hasn't been very good to me emotionally. Since last year around Dec it's kinda been down and never really went up. It's like one thing after another. I am tired. I have no right to complain because my job is fine and my boss is great, but I am tired. From everything else. Emotionally it hasn't been fun. My sister's problem, my mum's quarel w my sis, my mum's knee injury.

Personally I am also financially REALLY tight. But really thankful to people around me and to God.
Jehovah Jireh (:

Don't know what else I wanna say too. I miss the old me.

Midnight musings

Haven't blogged in a really long time. Lots of thoughts but no mood to pen them down.

Even this blogpost will be random and all over the place I guess.

Hopefully graduating soon. Yet not looking forward to having to be an adult. Last sem really wore me down so much that this sem I am totally not excited even though one of the module seems really interesting - Positive Psychology.

Anyway, enough about school. I wanna go for volunteer trips and have tried applying through email but no reply so far. Hope I will get a reply soon because I am so restless.


Another random, I have been crazily binge watching Super Junior videos on youtube and I am TOTALLY A FAN NOW!! Favourite members are D&E but if I had to choose it would definitely be Eunhyuk. My goodness he is like perfect. Now THAT is a perfect guy.
And seriously, yes 27 years and gushing over someone like I'm a teenager. I need to grow up. But he is really perfect!! Watched super alot of videos and really love the group's interactions and their obvious love for each other. It's so beautiful. And how lovely and real all of them are.

That said, recently I have been thinking alot. About how if I want a guy like him, I would definitely need to be someone who is perfect too? Just been musing about all my imperfections and all. I find myself thinking alot recently about life, character, love etc. I don't know, just feel that I am so disappointed with myself. I look at myself and just wanna sigh. I wanna work on self-improvement this year but I don't know how to start. How to be less annoying? How to be less whiney? How to be more independant? How to overcome my anxiety problems? How to actually look at myself and like/love myself? Honestly, I don't like myself. I hate myself and I don't understand how I can have such lovely friends around me who always have my back. I am very blessed. I always say, someone up there really loves me. And I honestly believe it. I am very thankful to my God that I have such lovely people around me. I don't go to church anymore but I still believe.

I am thankful for people around me who love and accept me for who I am, but that doesn't stop the fact that I do hate myself. I don't know how to love someone as flawed as I am. I wish I could confidently say that I am a girl worth loving, but I can't even convince myself. So my goal and wish is to be someone good enough, such that I can say I am worthy of love from a really good guy. Or something. Not saying that Tony isn't good. But sometimes I just feel.. we're just together on borrowed time. And he can get very hurtful too.

Ohwell. Recently I found a quote (which i suddenly remembered while peeing) and it goes like so:
We're all in the same game, just different levels
Dealing with the same hell, just different devils

So yup. I wanna constantly remind myself that while I am always having internal struggles with myself and my dislike for myself, others are also fighting their own battles and they are no less intense than mine, perhaps just different. And we all have our own devils which may seem insignificant to others but we struggle intensely with. So we should never judge others based on what we THINK their struggles are. As another saying goes, "Don't judge me till you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life".

So yes this IS a very random blogpost. Just midnight musings and confession of my new and first kpop love. HAHAHA. I've never ever been the kpop type of person, but then again what drew me to Super Junior wasn't the kpop (though their new song Black Suit is AWESOMEE!!) but rather their interactions, their obvious love and support for each other and their personalities. Beautiful. Thankful to know that despite the kpop scene being known to be brutal, there is a group like them that above all cares for each other first.(: