Crossing oceans

So recently just had a quarrel with Tony regarding many things. Same old issues as well as new issues. Pretty frustrating, especially the one about his FT and how I am no longer willing to give in and go for it. And how I outright reject him. What should I have done then? Pretend to be thinking about it but reject him in the end? Doesn't make sense also right.

Anyway, I thought of the quote which said "Don't cross oceans for people who won't cross a puddle for you." Because I felt that I have been crossing oceans for him previously, all sorts of things which made me unhappy but I did it anyway, just for him. But when I realised that I really didn't enjoy it and was slowly hating myself more, I decided to stop and that was also when I realised that he wasn't able to accept and respect that. He wasn't going to even cross a puddle for me.
And so I went to google it. And this came up:

And I think it really kinda gave me a wake-up call. Yes I've been crossing oceans for him. Yes he wouldn't cross a puddle for . But, life and love isn't about what you gain. It's about what you give. Wow. I think that really made me rethink myself.

Yes I still won't go back to FT just because of this. But I think it helped me lessen the blame I put on him. I shouldn't see the effort/respect he put in and compare it to the amount that I did.

End of the day as he said, he always tries to fetch me to and from school. Not always, but whenever he is able to usually he does.

But honestly speaking I was feeling really neglected the week before and was really unhappy and lonely. And then shit happened. Mum went A&E cuz of knee, then the very next day Tony went A&E cuz of knee AS WELL and found out it was a hairline crack.

And it was long weekend cuz of Good Friday. I was really down because I thought I finally had some times with him and there we are, stuck with being able to do nothing. Maybe I expected too much, maybe I hoped for too much.

Regardless, I really don't know. There are some oceans/mountains that I really cant cross/climb. The FT one. I can't. But he made it pretty clear that he will never propose if I can't support him in that area.

Frustrated. Assignment deadline is over but I haven't started it. Gonna use the grace period to rush but I really have no mood. Fuck this. Really. I just wanna be happy. What's so wrong with me that I can't even enjoy this year. The last year of studying. What did I do so wrong previously for this. I know I'm not a good person, who volunteers or etc. But I don't need luxuries. I just wanna be loved. Is that so difficult?? Or maybe as he once said, I am difficult to love.