2020. The year of testings

 I hate 2020.

I remember a phrase often heard in church; 'God will not test you beyond what you cannot bear.'

And I remember always being so thankful that God knew I was weak so He never tested me in things that were really important and close to my heart.

Apparenty someday a time of testing will still come. This year is by far the worst year I have ever had in my entire life. And that's saying something, considering that I have lived close to 29 years already. As if the pandemic wasn't causing enough emotional distress in me.

I gotta be honest, I've always been a really blessed girl.

Now, even though what hurts and scares me the most is not even a confirmed but only a guess, it already hurts me so much.

All along I have been someone who kinda dares to do things which at times surprise people considering I'm not a daredevil type of person. Shave my head? Sure. Travel alone to a foreign country far away to volunteer alone? Sure.

Because all along I know I have a safety net. I have a safe place. I know that even 14hours away by flight, if I were to ever get into trouble and needed help, you would come to me in a heartbeat. You would set aside everything, book a flight to find me, sit 14 frigging hours on a cramped plane without knowledge of how to navigate transit flights and a foreign language and come for me.

What am I ever going to do without you? I don't ever want to know, and I pray that I will never need to know. Please forever be my safe place. I need you in my life.