So.. some things have happened recently.

I thought the worst of yesterday would be my simmering anger about my father and his insensitive remark. I was SO WRONG. But it had nothing to do with my father. Thank goodness. One situation with him a day is more than enough.

Anyway.

So, suddenly I got questioned about whether I went out with a mutual friend. Which obviously I didnt. I was home the whole day studying (not really. Trying but failing to). But nonetheless, I was definitely at home the whole day. Heck, I didnt even step out of the house, not even to my corridor. (I might lack of Vitamin D like that huh?? o.0) But anyway. So he says if I say never, he believe me. But continued questioning me. Apparently someone saw me with said mutual friend and told him. Questioned him who it was and he said dunno. Like WHAAAT? Funny. NOT.

Anyway i do kinda doubt his story about someone saw me. Don't know whats the purpose behind that anyway. But it's kinda hurting when I already said I didn't yet he seemed to not trust, yet said he believed. When he said that sentence, I knew he didn't fully believe. There wouldn't have been a need to mention that. If you believed you wouldn't have pressed for more. The worst thing? I ALWAYS update/tell him beforehand when I'm meeting friends. Leading to often quite afew quarrels when they are people he does not like (aka every single one of my good friends except said mutual friend)

But then he suddenly went "Don't make me disappointed and make serious decision. Trust me girl. I will do it de."
By then we were talking about the touchy topic, the religion.

I realised.. he can threaten me. With a breakup.
But when I threaten him with something else, he scolds me and ignores me.

After afew more heated to-and-fro conversations, he said this "If you don't appreciate what my mum done for you all each Fri. If you got issue going let me know. Don't go. Don't be an idiot spreading ur own ideology.", and after afew more sentences, "My mum put in so much effort trying to teach you all. Share with you all good stuff. This is how you repay her back".

Wow. my blood really boil.
1st. I never liked and wanted and you knew it all along. Dont act stupid or play dumb.

2nd. What ideology have I been spreading around? How come even I don't know about it? And to call me an idiot for doing that. Yes, I complain. I dislike. I grumble. But I spread my own ideology? Wha-at?

3rd. Your mum put in effort. She does it because she's willing and she likes to have classes and teach stuff I am not interested in, repeating things to me when I understood it the first time but NO she needs to explain/show me 3 times before she thinks I understand. Plus, I didnt beg her for this. I am totally fine without it. However that doesn't mean I'm not appreciative when she cooks. I am. Its the lessons. I don't like it. People have different beliefs and it's not wrong to have different beliefs.

4th. Abit linking back to the ideology thing I guess, because the "this is how you repay her back" seems to be talking about that. What nonsense has she been saying behind my back about me. I know for a fact she talks about me behind my back. I have been told by you before that she said I had a bad temper. So obviously she does and probably often? But more importantly, she doesn't know anything, HOW CAN SHE SAY STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT ME? It's not like i haven't seen her gossipping. Or just little thing can make it like such a big deal. Guess that's where you inherited your assumptions characteristic. You assume, and then assume that what you ASSUMED is the TRUTH. It ISN'T. Take some times and grow some balls to question people instead of coming up with your own assumptions and putting others' down or spreading rumors/gossips about others.

Spent 1 hour plus, instead of studying which I seriously need to do because I am SO BEHIND ON MY REVISION, but instead spent 1 hour plus staring at your whatsapp.

Why.

I just want simple things. Someone who wont judge me. Someone who will respect my beliefs and me. Someone who wont restrict me. Someone whom I love who loves me back. I have never tried to change anything of you. I have tried to give in so much, to my unhappiness, just for you. Have you sacrificed anything for me?



Am I so difficult to love?

I guess it's really as you said. I am.

So today during dinner my mum went to the kitchen and she went (in chinese) "AHH need to wash clothes already ahhh~"

Then my father who was sitting adjacent to me said "吵死人"

I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I PARROT-ED WHAT MY MUM JUST SAID.

HELLO FUCKTARD. SHE DOES ALL THE COOKING AND EVERYTHING AND CLEANS UP YOUR SHIT AFTER YOU AND TOLERATES YOU. AND YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU ARE BETTER AND DESERVE A BETTER WIFE OR WHATSOEVER. Please. It's your good fortune to have married my mum. Dont think you are oh-so-handsome or oh-so-amazing and people are falling over themselves to be your wife.

Please look at yourself in the mirror. Insensitive ungrateful selfish bastard.

Seriously think she's better off without an asshole like you for a husband.

Sick of you always saying she's stupid or ugly or noisy or whatever. She's my happy pill. My pistachio, Shut the fuck up when you are the one who makes everyone in this house roll their eyes AND MOVE AWAY FROM THE ROOM YOU ARE IN.

Bet you never realised that. That once you start "making comments" about something on TV which we are not interested in, we move away. We dont want to hear your boring commentary. FYI we are not the least bit interested. Whereas if it were my mum thats a different thing. Even if im not interested I wouldn't mind sitting there listening to her comments and etc.

But too bad for us if the programme is something we like too. We just try to shut you out. But its tough. Especially when you do stupid things like tell us what is going on when HEY EXCUSE ME WE ARE WATCHING THE SAME SCREEN WE CAN TELL AS WELL??

Ya. Just sometimes wish we had encouraged my mum alittle more during that year when she brought up divorce. Dammit.

So i was studying and took my cup to drink water when something jumped out and landed on where my cup used to be.. looked and it was a spider.. glossy black and seemed as if it had MANY EYES. Maybe just my hallucination about the many eyes.

But anyway.. so I screamed immediately but no response from outside.. continued staring and it jumped onto my tissue box which shocked me when it jumped so I screamed again.

.. and still no response. So started screaming for my mum and she FINALLY came in. She eventually managed to kill it when it jumped onto the floor and she stomped on it (she wears slippers in the house cuz her feet is bad and always needs cushioning).

I screamed "AH YOU KILLED IT!!' and she was like ya else you tonight dont need sleep already.

After that when i was washing and refilling my cup (no way am i drinking from that cup without washing.. the spider somehow came from it!!), my mum said: (all in chinese)

Mum: Maybe the spider was at your cup because it wanted to drink water
Me: Got like that de meh?!
Mum: If not why it go to your cup??

...

My mum often leaves me speechless.. Guess that's where I get all my nonsense theories from.. so I'm not entirely to blame for having nonsense theories.. its a genetically inherited thing.