Again been eons since i last blogged.

No time, no mood. Nothing.

Seems like everytime i think to myself "wah quite long never quarrel already, that's good."EVERY SINGLE TIME, within that week, we will have a quarrel.

Guess my mouth very 'ling'. Just thought it recently, like wednesday?
I know it always happens. In fact when i thought it i was already like shit. another storm brewing then.

But i cant help it. I cant help thinking. It just pops out suddenly and its just like shit. I just thought it. It's gonna happen. Another quarrel is gonna come..

So yea..

Really feel like crying. Why am i so weak. Why?


On a sidenote, watched Inside Out today. Cried twice. Not sure if because was already down to start with or would have cried anyway.

On the way home felt like crying too..

What is this.. why is a relationship so painful..



Why am nothing that i wasna be and everything sucky. Why am i such a failure..

Been so damn long since i last blogged..

Life's been a bitch. Basically everything's been a bitch, including me apparently.

So... lying to me from the start was a mistake but you 'dont wanna talk about the past'
Yea.. riightttt... thats kinda smart because.. why talk about the past right? It already happened so suck it up!
Except.. i asked about the very thing which is currently killing our rs..

I had the foresight to ask. But you chose to lie to me thinking you could convert me.

You made me fall for u.. when you never had the intention to catch me UNLESS im like the girl you want me to be.

There is a ready girl there for you. Yes you said dont talk about her cuz thats your past.
But you said you all drifted away because she still young wanna play kind. Now she's all grown up, mature and in your ft.
Touch your own heart and can you say with all honesty that if i weren't in the picturem you would have chased her now?

Because she's everything you want. Cute as well.
Guai, cute, loves your religion, long hair, girly.

Everything im not.

Because, im hard to love, need to be tolerated, and dont deserve/not worthy of love.

Our relationship doesnt have issues of cheating. Nor physical abuse.

But basically; it has every other issue.

Tell me once and tell me true, so i can say i'm here for you. Do you love me or do you not?

Am i ever gonna be good enough. Doesnt seem so. Will i ever be first? Doesnt seem so. I dont blame you for putting your mum first. My mum is first in my life too. But why are you always on her side. I need comfort too. I need love too. I need someone who will stand up for me too.

I need someone who doesnt always make me feel small. Worthless. Useless.

Why. Why did u choose me in the first place if im nothing like what you want?


If i ever die, i want a christian funeral.
if i ever get dumped, im never dating again. Im gonna be fucking successful IN MY OWN TERMS. im gonna do what i want.

Sometimes i hate disney. For lying to me about a prince charming. This one spends too much time caring about himself. Where am i in the equation?

Im so stressed recently. I cant even share with you cuz u will just shoot me about everything. Im so stressed. I broke down. Where are you? Im weak. But i need comfort. I need someone to hold me when i fall. Not SCOLD me when i fall.
so so stressed.

I gave my heart. Where's yours in exchange?

I feel lonely.

Maybe because i dreamt of you last night. 1 year. 1 freaking year.

Maybe im just emotionally down.

So damn tired everyday cuz i haven had good sleep since you left.

tears after tears after tears

i love you to death. but i really hate being forced. stop forcing things onto me. if your religion was awesome i would have converted long ago.

also, stop asking me to stop eating meat and being so fucking passive aggressive. you're a fucking man, act like one. stop using low tricks and manipulating my fucking emotions when u know your words can hurt me. thats why  choose to hide behind the screen and use your hurtful words.

and say stuff like u're thinking abt our future. thats a laugh and a half. fyi bro, u're just being fucking selfish and thinking about YOUR future.

have u ever thought about and considered my feelings? in one word, NO.

i love you. but stop forcing me.

i CHOSE christianity. and the fact that i chose it myself means i really wanted it. stop saying im the only christian in the family and my parents would be happier if i converted 2 ur religion. my parents are happy if im happy they are not like YOU AND HER.

also, pls dont assume that if i didnt convert to christianity i would have converted 2 ur religion. no such link bastard.

too bad i fucking love u. dats why im the one crying myself to slp while u can juz shoot me and go slp peacefully.

i wish u could have my heart for a day. feel what it fucking feels like.

sometimes i wish someone would just kill me.

im very upset now.

i dont see why i have to convert to your religion, do everything you want me to do.

from the very start you told me, when i asked you our religion how? you just said we'll work things out. forcing me isnt working things out. its just plain forcing and being totally selfish. and closed minded. so your religion is the best and everyone else has bullshit religion? please. if your religion was that great, u would not be the insensitive, selfish, stubborn asshole i know. why the fuck do i even love you, i really dont know. im really pissed.

i cried when i told you when i go your classes im very stressed all you can say is i dont see what is so stressful about it. wtf. ya of course you dont. all you do is command me to go.

ive always told you this but u never listened. u were always on their side. on the empress dowager's side. leaving me standing at the cliff with a huge gap between us. telling me "i'll help you" when u are just on the other side saying just jump! its easy. you arent with me at all. you leave me here. alone. struggling. and you think you are so noble to bring me in.

so noble to 'take care' of me.

how about the times when you compare me with every girl out there? i never compared you with anyone. u think you're tht great? newsflash, you're NOT.

comparing me with ziping saying why she can so willingly go and why cant i. why am i like this so troublesome.

comparing me with aiming why she can come for your praying session even though its late and she can but why i cant. why am i so stubborn,

comparing me with xinyi (i know i spelt it wrong but i dont want people to search and find this) why she so guai and so willing and so mature to go and why im not. why am i so dependant and cant stand on my own 2 feet.

comparing me with my sister why she has a degree and why i dont wanna have a degree (dont think i dont know other than waning me 2 have a better future, you want me to have a degree for your face' sake). why am i so stupid not to apply for uni when i can. why i so stubborn not to get a degree and earn more money. (another newsflash. money aint everything. yes. i noe u're gonna say thats because i have money. but its not like im rich and use my money to buy stupid things or whatsoever. i dont need to earn like 5k a month. i WANT. i dont NEED. i need stability. i need love. i need concern. i need UNDERSTANDING.)

comparing me with pam why her grades are worse than me and she can get a higher pay than me. why are you comparing me like this. life is not all about grades. i learnt too late. life is about how you portray yourself. how you can WORK well. effectively. being social. its nothing about grades.

comparing me with "other girl" why they wear skirts and dresses and keep their hair long while im just so different.

do you know how it kills my self confidence when you want to change everything about me? when you complain about everything about me? when im NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? ARE YOU EVEN THAT GOOD TO REQUEST FOR ALL THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

if you have so many things you are displeased with me then WHY ME. WHY DID YOU CHOOSE ME IN THE 1ST PLACE?

you KNEW i was like this from the start. i've known you for 4 years before we got 2gether. dont you know how i am?

not only that. my friends i enjoy being with. why must you restrict me?

i give up and i sacrifice so much for you. yet instead of being pleased you just ask for more. you take and take and take. in all the important parts.

you say you see me more than you see your mum. well. you dont know how passive aggressive she is with me. actually. you are very passive aggressive too. people think you are so nice. they just dont see the mental and emotional trauma you put me through.

its so tiring. sometimes i pray to God to just take me home.

i love you. but i've finally realised love isnt like disney. love doesnt conquer everything. or maybe unequal love doesnt.

been so long since i last blogged.

new job, new environment.

really miss kumon, but at the same time this job is awesome as well. great bosses and colleagues. i can learn alot here.

however i still go to work with a feeling of dread cuz im always afraid i gotta call. i stutter when i call and mind blank.

complain to you, and all you say is u work there for awhile alr shouldnt you be used 2 it etc? i want comforting words when im down, not only when we're feeling happy etc. comforting words are so easy when u're happy. but when im down, u always kick me. why?

you say love. yet what i feel sometimes is control.

dnt control me, im not a pet. love me, im human,