because i dont belong in your life.

insecurities.

just read an email letter from my friend from donkey years ago (ok when i was in year1sem1 to be exact.17 years old.)

it was end of semester and i typed out thankyou emails to everyone. and some typed me back thankyou emails too. and from this friend he said i was really cheerful and all the typical nice things people say in goodbye emails. but whenever im really down, i really do turn back to that precious email which really cheers me up alot.


really;what happened to me? what changed? i used to be really very sensitive, and i still am. but i used to be REALLY cheerful, but im no longer cheerful. so what happened?

how do i regain it back?

because im not strong. because i dont dare. because im too dependant. because i have no guts.

because its me. that says it all.
it was an internal struggle. i thought i won but in the end i lost to myself. really DOWN down. how to do things next time when im like that?!




the only happy thing about today is that i've registered for nikerun 2012.

you've changed.


cant wait for acceptance of university of tasmania for me and pam. really fingers crossed. let us go please. i want a change.

looking through my old pics on fb; i really lao liao leh!!=(( hahahahas!! zomg. looking back at all the overseas trips wif my frenz juz make my heart very itchy!! lucky i gt something 2 look 4ward to!! THAILANDD!! ahhhhhhh cant wait(:

ah bt seriously. alot of lame stuffs i did. when it was back when church was located in cuppage, life seemed better. fun-ner. actually i guess its not juz the location. people changed. i changed. group changed. not very conducive environment i guess, when i was already not doing very well..

but anyways! everyone ard me keeps questioning why i like so long never go church le. one thing is cuz ruth has been busy. and i dun wanna go wifout her. unless i zao right aft svc. another thing is i've been sick.so the mood no good 2 go oso.



ahh i need a hair trim.

changed my blogskin to a very simple one cuz the old one had some problem and im a computer idiot so i juz used a template. been watching running man super alot recently!! ahhhhh. super nice!!

recently been kinda downish? been sick but i cant afford to take mc. however,please. dont blame me if i leave. one day i wont be able to take the responsibilities. yes.im weak, im not very useful. but beware, because it wont be just ONE blow. it'll be a double blow. juz warning. because u'kno what? i might not be much, but count the number of people who are actually doing work(: then think again, CAREFULLY. hope you get my hint. but better still, hope u never stumble across my blog.its still dangerous because what im talking about is in the future.

reallyreallyreally very sian recently. cana bag of money drop right infront of me and my bestie and lemme go study overseas wif her?

PLEASE tell me we can get into the same uni=( fingers are crossed and breaths are held. but please. i wouldnt wanna go there without her, no matter how appealing the course and the campus is!! tho its my dream for marine bio/marine science. but end of the day without her,whats the point? we spent months and everytime we go supermarket etc we do the "next time when we go tasmania we hafta buy this!!" etc.


sidetracks, going thailand from 12-15oct!!(:
wif bestie pam!!
and tony and jim (hk trip buddies!!)
and their frenz aiming and syed!!

EXCITED!!=D



please, cheer me up.(:

end of the day you still want me to go your way. stop being so selfish and insistent can? i may not be mature enough but i do know what i want. why cant you give me your blessings? instead you keep going on and on about local unis. seriously, i dont give a shit anymore about local unis BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE THE COURSE I WANT. its not just because i want to rebel,i want to experience going overseas to study. yes i DO WANT THAT. but i do want to study that particular course too.WHY WONT YOU UNDERSTAND? its so simple.
im not rich; im not smart; im not working in a well paying job. i know its tough.but i never thought of stretching out my hands and saying can i have money please? NEVER. so c'mon. stop saying it like i didnt think it through. i thought it through so thoroughly,i spent sleepless nights stressing over this. "quarelling" with my bestie who also sees things your way. worrying about money;about bank loans, about discrimination, about being only with my bestie in a foreign land.

i know its not a smart move, but i dont want to regret anything in life. i gave up the (sponsored) teaching degree, gave up a potential stable job (teaching is always in demand). but i dont really regret. yes,i love kids and i love their innocence. but im not a patient person. i flare up easily and i dislike attention seeking kids, which are quite common?

i dont need you to dig out all your money and grumble about the fact that im taking your money to do stupid things(which wont happen anyway because we dont HAVE the money). but what im saying is i want you to look me in the eyes and say "mel,(or ah min as my parents call me) that's the DUMBEST thing i've ever heard of. but you know what? if that's what you really want, GO FOR IT. i support you."

THATS ALL I WANT! to know that there are people supporting me. my family isnt really for it.outta 3 besties; 1 is completely against the idea of me going overseas.

what i really want is just people to support me, go through this WITH me,not talking at me about being stupid.

i know its not very feasible, and im stupid for not chasing a more realistic dream.but can you imagine if i really managed to? i'll be so proud of myself. im just wondering; would YOU be proud of me? or would you; even after i really graduate, to still say things like seeyou should have gone to local, recognised uni so its easier to find a job.

i know its not gonna be easy with that degree in the event i really do get in. but i sure hope i enjoy the process; because end of the day i feel that life is for living out your dreams, no matter how stupid they are

like how my dream wasnt to be a millionaire(of course i would WANT to but its not my dream.) my dream is to be happily married with 2 kids and live happily ever after.
and i want to be married by 23 and have my 1st kid at 25. people think its stupid,but its STILL MY DREAM. if you dont have a dream then why are you doing everything you are doing now for?