So I had my Lesson 3 Part II on 11 May and I failed it. Instructor said that my figure 8 longer than 11s and my crank course wobbly. Was abit disappointed because I thought I did fairly ok. But alright. My figure 8 I was comfortable so maybe I should speed up more. Just that got abit of phobia ever since I mount kerb after feeling something scrapping against the floor when cornering.
Anyway, the motorcycle simulation was cmi. Haha. Out of 4 of us students, only I hit a pedestrain. And the worst thing is once I started I already went into oncoming traffic and 'got hit by a car' already. So already died once. Then 2nd time hit pedestrain, other people die. Cmi. Kept going "Shit! Shit!" I swear I am the noisiest. The rest didn't even make a sound.
Not looking forward to repeating the lesson especially the simulator. :(
--
Anyway. More and more I have been feeling unsatisfied and unhappy with myself and my life.
I mentioned to Deanna before that there was this girl that I felt is perfect. She is seriously just the perfect girl, everything I wanna be and nothing I am. (Anyway note: I can definitely say I am not a lesbian now ok. While I mentioned that there is always a possibility that I MIGHT like females but currently no.)
I guess all along I felt she was perfect and always had abit of envy towards her but because she's so damn nice and we used to meetup once in awhile with others etc so the feelings of envy aren't so bad? (she's not exactly a close friend. Abit complicated link but basically not close. And not gonna explain more incase people guess. Which shouldn't happen because I think only Deanna reads my blog in this whole wide world. Haha).
Anyway I used the word ENVY because it isn't jealousy.
Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.
Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person
And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone).
So, explaination done. It's envy because I lack desired attributes of hers. She is just basically perfect. Sporty, pretty, damn good natured, polite, easy to get long with, and EVERYTHING. She's basically everything I wanna be. And it's not even like she tries very hard. She is just so naturally perfect, wtf.
So basically I guess everything was okay until when we all went on a trip to Port Dickson. Small group of us. And then I was on the pill (so that my period wont come so I can play WATER SPORTS!!) and also because of all the tension from frequent quarrels with Tony before the trip, I was generally damn cranky and bad tempered. And basically on the trip I was kinda on my worst ever behaviour and I don't know whether I am being oversensitive but just feel like she sees me differently now. And it gets to me because if someone is so damn perfect and nice and all, and she treats me differently, means I am really some kind of a fucked up. You know. If even the nicest person is just nice to you becase have to rather than naturally, you know you are fucked.
ANYWAY, however it is all thoughts on my side, because as mentioned we are not close at all, we don't randomly meetup or chat or msg at all. It's just that previously I guess there was a period of time we went out as a group once in awhile but now the meetups are non existant, and I'm wondering whether they are avoidng me because I am such a bad tempered bitch. Although tbh I think circumstances have changed and her bf has a bike so generally no time to meetup (working parttime with bike) and he is usually the initiator.
So basically just feeling bad about myself in that case. Abit sian also because she's the swim buddy I went Swim for Hope 2015 with and if this year have we did say we would go together. I may be overthinking the whole avoiding thing though. Also, so many swim events I see this year which I wanna join but I keep resisting and feeling sad about it, because it is expensive and I don't wanna hide from Tony but if I tell him we will just quarrel because he always thinks it is a waste of money. So.. alot which I see and I think wah it would be nice if I could join, maybe can ask her also. But then I know can't pass Tony's stage so wtf don't even bother.
I WOULD LIKE TO STRESS AGAIN THAT I AM NOT CURRENTLY LIKING FEMALES. (Though why am I so defensive I don't know. Next time I read back my posts I might be laughing at myself like wtf is wrong with you woman being so defensive). Anyway I told myself if this relationship with Tony ends, I don't wanna ever enter a relationship again.
Which comes to the topic of my relationship with Tony. Our quarrels have been more and more frequent and honestly speaking, ever since he cancelled the Australia trip, I feel like.. I died abit inside. Really don't know how to describe it. I still love him alot, but somehow I often find myself thinking about our relationship. I don't wanna end it, but I don't seem to be able to see a future with him anymore. How can someone just cancel something which is so damn important, AND THE WORST THING IS THAT WE ARE STILL GOING OVERSEAS IN THAT PERIOD?! Why can't Australia go through but we can go Penang (with AM) and Cameron Highlands for the same number of days?! How issit possible to just dash someone's hopes and expectations just like that and override it within days?
So.. because of the Australia trip I feel like we have somehow grown distant emotionally. At least I seem to be withdrawing somehow. Even though I still can't even think of ending the relationship.. but it's just been very down period for me. Often when I mention it he will tell me don't think about it already because it is cancelled, don't continue brooding over it. But how can I? How can I stop? What can I do to make myself feel better about it? About how close I was to my Australia/Tasmania dream trip only to have it cancelled just like that.
Another thing, related to Australia, is that I feel that I am doing nothing with my life. I look at my life and I feel despaired. What am I doing? I am 25 this year with nothing to my name. Working at a job which earns me so little although it is flexible, and I really love my boss and colleague. Studying my 1st year of Uni at age 25. Wtf. So many of my friends, many younger than me, have graduated long ago. And what am I doing? Pursuing a degree which I don't even know how to apply in future.
I am 25 this year with nothing to be proud of. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I have not ticked off anything from my bucket list, I have not travelled extensively like I wished after I graduated from poly. I want backpacking trips, trekking, hiking, ski diving, scuba diving, cliff diving. I want to overcome my phobia of heights and go rock climbing. I wanna go mountain climbing. I want to go on a solo trip. I wanna finish a full marathon, an aqualthon, a TRIATHLON. I wanna visit Australia, Tasmania, Japan, Iceland, New Zealand, Cambodia, Nepal, Vietnam. I wanna see snow. I wanna go on missions/charity trips to help in 3rd world countries or Africa etc. I wanna learn and go horse riding. I wanna experience a working holiday. I wanna swim with wild dolphins, learn how to ride a unicycle, stargaze with with the Milky Way clear above my head.
These are all in my bucket list, and many more which I have not listed out/thought out. I want to live my life without regrets.
I want to pick up new interesting skills. I wanna take up Kickboxing. Or Taekwondo. Or Muay Thai. Or Self Defence classes.
AND WTF AM I DOING?! Sitting on my sorry ass doing nothing but feel depressed. This year my leave left 3.5 days, and out of the 10.5 days of leave taken, 6 days are taken for Penang and CH. 6 FUCKING DAYS WHICH ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR MY AUSTRALIA AND TASMANIA TRIP.
I really just feel so depressed.
No comments:
Post a Comment