So I just read yesterday's newspaper and there was a report saying that a beachgoer was bitten by a nurse shark (61cm). And it clung onto her and refused to let go. And what pissed me off was that the shark was eventually killed by another beachgoer. Why?? One witness said that prior to the accident, he saw other beachgoers disturbing the shark and pulling on its tail.
The shark is in its natural environment and just swimming around, and got fucking disturbed and 'bullied' by idiots. Im not surprised it decided to bite a random person? Even though she might not have been the one who disturbed it?
Like seriously? First you agitate it and it reacts by biting someone. And then you fucking kill it?? It is the fault of the other beachgoers! Yes, the shark bit the woman. But did it deserve to be killed? It was just a tiny shark! (they can grow up to3m and it was only 61cm)
My blood boils when people kill animals especially sea animals. Respect for nature!! Why cant people fucking respect it?? Killing for fun is the worst. No, actually the worst is dragging a sea animal out of the sea for selfies. Wtf. A dolphin which was weak instead of being helped, some idiots took it out of the water and took pictures till it died. Another case (not sea animal), a swan or something was dragged out of the pond for stupid selfies and eventually died.
Wtf sia. While i don't believe in the 'do it back to them to let them see how it feels' because it is primitive and revengeful without any learning points to a certain extent. But I seriously think that we should be helping to preserve and maintain the species, especially those which are helpless (for example out of the water) but WE are the ones harming and killing them instead!
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Monday, May 16, 2016
Bike Pract Lesson 3 (Part II) and general unhappiness
So I had my Lesson 3 Part II on 11 May and I failed it. Instructor said that my figure 8 longer than 11s and my crank course wobbly. Was abit disappointed because I thought I did fairly ok. But alright. My figure 8 I was comfortable so maybe I should speed up more. Just that got abit of phobia ever since I mount kerb after feeling something scrapping against the floor when cornering.
Anyway, the motorcycle simulation was cmi. Haha. Out of 4 of us students, only I hit a pedestrain. And the worst thing is once I started I already went into oncoming traffic and 'got hit by a car' already. So already died once. Then 2nd time hit pedestrain, other people die. Cmi. Kept going "Shit! Shit!" I swear I am the noisiest. The rest didn't even make a sound.
Not looking forward to repeating the lesson especially the simulator. :(
--
Anyway. More and more I have been feeling unsatisfied and unhappy with myself and my life.
I mentioned to Deanna before that there was this girl that I felt is perfect. She is seriously just the perfect girl, everything I wanna be and nothing I am. (Anyway note: I can definitely say I am not a lesbian now ok. While I mentioned that there is always a possibility that I MIGHT like females but currently no.)
I guess all along I felt she was perfect and always had abit of envy towards her but because she's so damn nice and we used to meetup once in awhile with others etc so the feelings of envy aren't so bad? (she's not exactly a close friend. Abit complicated link but basically not close. And not gonna explain more incase people guess. Which shouldn't happen because I think only Deanna reads my blog in this whole wide world. Haha).
Anyway I used the word ENVY because it isn't jealousy.
Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.
Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person
And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone).
So, explaination done. It's envy because I lack desired attributes of hers. She is just basically perfect. Sporty, pretty, damn good natured, polite, easy to get long with, and EVERYTHING. She's basically everything I wanna be. And it's not even like she tries very hard. She is just so naturally perfect, wtf.
So basically I guess everything was okay until when we all went on a trip to Port Dickson. Small group of us. And then I was on the pill (so that my period wont come so I can play WATER SPORTS!!) and also because of all the tension from frequent quarrels with Tony before the trip, I was generally damn cranky and bad tempered. And basically on the trip I was kinda on my worst ever behaviour and I don't know whether I am being oversensitive but just feel like she sees me differently now. And it gets to me because if someone is so damn perfect and nice and all, and she treats me differently, means I am really some kind of a fucked up. You know. If even the nicest person is just nice to you becase have to rather than naturally, you know you are fucked.
ANYWAY, however it is all thoughts on my side, because as mentioned we are not close at all, we don't randomly meetup or chat or msg at all. It's just that previously I guess there was a period of time we went out as a group once in awhile but now the meetups are non existant, and I'm wondering whether they are avoidng me because I am such a bad tempered bitch. Although tbh I think circumstances have changed and her bf has a bike so generally no time to meetup (working parttime with bike) and he is usually the initiator.
So basically just feeling bad about myself in that case. Abit sian also because she's the swim buddy I went Swim for Hope 2015 with and if this year have we did say we would go together. I may be overthinking the whole avoiding thing though. Also, so many swim events I see this year which I wanna join but I keep resisting and feeling sad about it, because it is expensive and I don't wanna hide from Tony but if I tell him we will just quarrel because he always thinks it is a waste of money. So.. alot which I see and I think wah it would be nice if I could join, maybe can ask her also. But then I know can't pass Tony's stage so wtf don't even bother.
I WOULD LIKE TO STRESS AGAIN THAT I AM NOT CURRENTLY LIKING FEMALES. (Though why am I so defensive I don't know. Next time I read back my posts I might be laughing at myself like wtf is wrong with you woman being so defensive). Anyway I told myself if this relationship with Tony ends, I don't wanna ever enter a relationship again.
Which comes to the topic of my relationship with Tony. Our quarrels have been more and more frequent and honestly speaking, ever since he cancelled the Australia trip, I feel like.. I died abit inside. Really don't know how to describe it. I still love him alot, but somehow I often find myself thinking about our relationship. I don't wanna end it, but I don't seem to be able to see a future with him anymore. How can someone just cancel something which is so damn important, AND THE WORST THING IS THAT WE ARE STILL GOING OVERSEAS IN THAT PERIOD?! Why can't Australia go through but we can go Penang (with AM) and Cameron Highlands for the same number of days?! How issit possible to just dash someone's hopes and expectations just like that and override it within days?
So.. because of the Australia trip I feel like we have somehow grown distant emotionally. At least I seem to be withdrawing somehow. Even though I still can't even think of ending the relationship.. but it's just been very down period for me. Often when I mention it he will tell me don't think about it already because it is cancelled, don't continue brooding over it. But how can I? How can I stop? What can I do to make myself feel better about it? About how close I was to my Australia/Tasmania dream trip only to have it cancelled just like that.
Another thing, related to Australia, is that I feel that I am doing nothing with my life. I look at my life and I feel despaired. What am I doing? I am 25 this year with nothing to my name. Working at a job which earns me so little although it is flexible, and I really love my boss and colleague. Studying my 1st year of Uni at age 25. Wtf. So many of my friends, many younger than me, have graduated long ago. And what am I doing? Pursuing a degree which I don't even know how to apply in future.
I am 25 this year with nothing to be proud of. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I have not ticked off anything from my bucket list, I have not travelled extensively like I wished after I graduated from poly. I want backpacking trips, trekking, hiking, ski diving, scuba diving, cliff diving. I want to overcome my phobia of heights and go rock climbing. I wanna go mountain climbing. I want to go on a solo trip. I wanna finish a full marathon, an aqualthon, a TRIATHLON. I wanna visit Australia, Tasmania, Japan, Iceland, New Zealand, Cambodia, Nepal, Vietnam. I wanna see snow. I wanna go on missions/charity trips to help in 3rd world countries or Africa etc. I wanna learn and go horse riding. I wanna experience a working holiday. I wanna swim with wild dolphins, learn how to ride a unicycle, stargaze with with the Milky Way clear above my head.
These are all in my bucket list, and many more which I have not listed out/thought out. I want to live my life without regrets.
I want to pick up new interesting skills. I wanna take up Kickboxing. Or Taekwondo. Or Muay Thai. Or Self Defence classes.
AND WTF AM I DOING?! Sitting on my sorry ass doing nothing but feel depressed. This year my leave left 3.5 days, and out of the 10.5 days of leave taken, 6 days are taken for Penang and CH. 6 FUCKING DAYS WHICH ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR MY AUSTRALIA AND TASMANIA TRIP.
I really just feel so depressed.
Anyway, the motorcycle simulation was cmi. Haha. Out of 4 of us students, only I hit a pedestrain. And the worst thing is once I started I already went into oncoming traffic and 'got hit by a car' already. So already died once. Then 2nd time hit pedestrain, other people die. Cmi. Kept going "Shit! Shit!" I swear I am the noisiest. The rest didn't even make a sound.
Not looking forward to repeating the lesson especially the simulator. :(
--
Anyway. More and more I have been feeling unsatisfied and unhappy with myself and my life.
I mentioned to Deanna before that there was this girl that I felt is perfect. She is seriously just the perfect girl, everything I wanna be and nothing I am. (Anyway note: I can definitely say I am not a lesbian now ok. While I mentioned that there is always a possibility that I MIGHT like females but currently no.)
I guess all along I felt she was perfect and always had abit of envy towards her but because she's so damn nice and we used to meetup once in awhile with others etc so the feelings of envy aren't so bad? (she's not exactly a close friend. Abit complicated link but basically not close. And not gonna explain more incase people guess. Which shouldn't happen because I think only Deanna reads my blog in this whole wide world. Haha).
Anyway I used the word ENVY because it isn't jealousy.
Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.
Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person
And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone).
So, explaination done. It's envy because I lack desired attributes of hers. She is just basically perfect. Sporty, pretty, damn good natured, polite, easy to get long with, and EVERYTHING. She's basically everything I wanna be. And it's not even like she tries very hard. She is just so naturally perfect, wtf.
So basically I guess everything was okay until when we all went on a trip to Port Dickson. Small group of us. And then I was on the pill (so that my period wont come so I can play WATER SPORTS!!) and also because of all the tension from frequent quarrels with Tony before the trip, I was generally damn cranky and bad tempered. And basically on the trip I was kinda on my worst ever behaviour and I don't know whether I am being oversensitive but just feel like she sees me differently now. And it gets to me because if someone is so damn perfect and nice and all, and she treats me differently, means I am really some kind of a fucked up. You know. If even the nicest person is just nice to you becase have to rather than naturally, you know you are fucked.
ANYWAY, however it is all thoughts on my side, because as mentioned we are not close at all, we don't randomly meetup or chat or msg at all. It's just that previously I guess there was a period of time we went out as a group once in awhile but now the meetups are non existant, and I'm wondering whether they are avoidng me because I am such a bad tempered bitch. Although tbh I think circumstances have changed and her bf has a bike so generally no time to meetup (working parttime with bike) and he is usually the initiator.
So basically just feeling bad about myself in that case. Abit sian also because she's the swim buddy I went Swim for Hope 2015 with and if this year have we did say we would go together. I may be overthinking the whole avoiding thing though. Also, so many swim events I see this year which I wanna join but I keep resisting and feeling sad about it, because it is expensive and I don't wanna hide from Tony but if I tell him we will just quarrel because he always thinks it is a waste of money. So.. alot which I see and I think wah it would be nice if I could join, maybe can ask her also. But then I know can't pass Tony's stage so wtf don't even bother.
I WOULD LIKE TO STRESS AGAIN THAT I AM NOT CURRENTLY LIKING FEMALES. (Though why am I so defensive I don't know. Next time I read back my posts I might be laughing at myself like wtf is wrong with you woman being so defensive). Anyway I told myself if this relationship with Tony ends, I don't wanna ever enter a relationship again.
Which comes to the topic of my relationship with Tony. Our quarrels have been more and more frequent and honestly speaking, ever since he cancelled the Australia trip, I feel like.. I died abit inside. Really don't know how to describe it. I still love him alot, but somehow I often find myself thinking about our relationship. I don't wanna end it, but I don't seem to be able to see a future with him anymore. How can someone just cancel something which is so damn important, AND THE WORST THING IS THAT WE ARE STILL GOING OVERSEAS IN THAT PERIOD?! Why can't Australia go through but we can go Penang (with AM) and Cameron Highlands for the same number of days?! How issit possible to just dash someone's hopes and expectations just like that and override it within days?
So.. because of the Australia trip I feel like we have somehow grown distant emotionally. At least I seem to be withdrawing somehow. Even though I still can't even think of ending the relationship.. but it's just been very down period for me. Often when I mention it he will tell me don't think about it already because it is cancelled, don't continue brooding over it. But how can I? How can I stop? What can I do to make myself feel better about it? About how close I was to my Australia/Tasmania dream trip only to have it cancelled just like that.
Another thing, related to Australia, is that I feel that I am doing nothing with my life. I look at my life and I feel despaired. What am I doing? I am 25 this year with nothing to my name. Working at a job which earns me so little although it is flexible, and I really love my boss and colleague. Studying my 1st year of Uni at age 25. Wtf. So many of my friends, many younger than me, have graduated long ago. And what am I doing? Pursuing a degree which I don't even know how to apply in future.
I am 25 this year with nothing to be proud of. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I have not ticked off anything from my bucket list, I have not travelled extensively like I wished after I graduated from poly. I want backpacking trips, trekking, hiking, ski diving, scuba diving, cliff diving. I want to overcome my phobia of heights and go rock climbing. I wanna go mountain climbing. I want to go on a solo trip. I wanna finish a full marathon, an aqualthon, a TRIATHLON. I wanna visit Australia, Tasmania, Japan, Iceland, New Zealand, Cambodia, Nepal, Vietnam. I wanna see snow. I wanna go on missions/charity trips to help in 3rd world countries or Africa etc. I wanna learn and go horse riding. I wanna experience a working holiday. I wanna swim with wild dolphins, learn how to ride a unicycle, stargaze with with the Milky Way clear above my head.
These are all in my bucket list, and many more which I have not listed out/thought out. I want to live my life without regrets.
I want to pick up new interesting skills. I wanna take up Kickboxing. Or Taekwondo. Or Muay Thai. Or Self Defence classes.
AND WTF AM I DOING?! Sitting on my sorry ass doing nothing but feel depressed. This year my leave left 3.5 days, and out of the 10.5 days of leave taken, 6 days are taken for Penang and CH. 6 FUCKING DAYS WHICH ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR MY AUSTRALIA AND TASMANIA TRIP.
I really just feel so depressed.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Bike Pract Lesson 3 (Part I), The Performance Series Race 1 and meetup with DEANNA!
So last Wednesday 27 April was my bike pract and I was so damn worried about it. Demoralised and pretty worried in general. So went up and looked around to see who were wearing the green bibs. Not THAAAAT many, so I guess it is slightly less stressful? No girls as well. Definitely less stressful. Whenever there are girls I feel more stressed because there is someone to compare with. Haha.
Anyway we went to ebrake first and amazingly I managed to not go over the yellow line for EVERY SINGLE TIME. Which is damn amazing for me. Anyway so I was feeling slightly better about it, and then we went to the 2 courses.
Which didn't go very well. Somehow I feel after that time where I felt something scrapping the floor, I don't seem to dare to corner much nor speed up.. so my S course (or figure 8) was like 10s. Which is quite unsafe because the max is 11s. So alittle demoralised. Then crank course somehow I kept jerking because I didn't release the clutch gradually. Felt quite demoralised but seriously kept praying I don't hafta retake again. Even though the skills still not great.
AND I PASSED!!! So damn happy!! Actually when the instructor called us over I saw he held the next lesson's papers, and 3 booklets seperately. So I kinda knew that 3 people passed. So had a bit of hope though was trying not to get my hopes too high. Then he went through 1 by 1 and told them what needed to be worked on and told them sorry need to come back for Lesson 3 again. And then as I saw the booklets decreasing my hope pick up and I PASSED!! Though I was the first one from the 3 and he told me I did have some parts I need improvement.
Tbh I am very worried about all the courses. I don't seem very stable in any. So.. I hope to pass by this year though. I saw Ruth passed her driving and she said it was her birthday present to herself. I would love to give that to myself too!! So I'm working towards it. (:
--
1 May was the 1st Race from The Performance Series and it was held at Punggol Waterfont/Waterway and Coney Island.
Because the lanes were pretty narrow, I started off at a pace faster than normal to follow the speed of the pack and that really killed me. Though of course.. I didn't train again=X But nonetheless the pace killed me even more. By 6km I stopped and started walking. But I did jog once in awhile la.. But was hoping to finally be able to run a full 10km run without stopping.. Never done it before!! Like whole run never stop (except for hydration).
Nonetheless, sprinted past the finishing line and it felt good. Weather was hot because it started later than usual (for good reasons because Coney Island doesnt open till 7 or something so needed to start later so we can run through + volunteers can go in and standby at their positions).
The drink was terrible. Lucozade. Tasted too strong flavoured and caused me to have that phlegm-y feeling. I realised pocari sweat is good during runs. Realised during the 2xu where they provided pocari sweat and it was quenching yet 'bland' enough such that it didnt cause me to have the phelgm feeling which I really hate. Though now I have learnt to make it better by taking both sports drink and plain water. Drink sports drink first and then water to flush it down. Previously I didn't and omg the feeling of running 2km to the next hydration station for water with phlegm-ish feeling while panting is damn terrible.
Anyway!! No plain water provided after the run, only Lucozade, so I was alittle pissed but still drank most of the bottle before throwing it away because I don't wanna waste. Then went off home.
Timing for 10km was 1hour 19min 36s. Not the best time I have had and definitely not what I would have hoped for, but taking into account that I didn't train, I guess it's not terrible.
My goal, since The Performance Series is made up of 5 runs (including one vertical one if I'm not wrong), is such that every single run my timing must improve. So, looking forward to my last run! My goal is to complete 10km in 1hour. Haha. I know it isn't super amazing because I have seen friends who just go downstairs and jog normally/routinely 10km and the timing is around 1hour, but I have nver done it so that's my goal, no matter how slow it may appear to others.
So, jiayous!! Haha
--
Metup with Deanna on 5May for breakfast and Starbucks!! Was really glad that I had no urgent work to do during the time I spent with her. Met at 10am at Causeway for Mac breakfast and then slowly wandered over to Starbucks to chill and just chat. And we did just that, till 3pm. Amazing or what?! It's nice to have someone comfortable to just chill and chat with, because totally myself.
Randomly talked about lesbians and how we would never say we DEFINITELY would not like girls while previously ZG mentioned he definitely would not like men. So concluded that men are quite sure about it while girls are like I might, so I wont say never. Haha. And even talking about who we felt were perfect, or beautiful.
Really an enjoyable time, and then went watch shopping with Deanna because she wanted to replace her couple watch. Being bimbos in the shop wondering aloud whether casio and baby-g are the same brand and... they are. HAHAHAHA. And Deanna really shop damn fast. I don't shop so can't compare. She tried on the white one, and then the black one, and then the white one again, and decided. I was kinda shocked because.. that's fast. HAHAHA.
Nonetheless happy for her that she bought a new watch! Then we went off home seperately and I did some work.
--
Supposed to study for exams. That's why I am blogging. HAHAHAHA. Everything is more interesting than studying. Way behind because distracted everyday. Supposed to complete 2 modules already but not even 1 chapter done. in ANY module. Die.
Anyway we went to ebrake first and amazingly I managed to not go over the yellow line for EVERY SINGLE TIME. Which is damn amazing for me. Anyway so I was feeling slightly better about it, and then we went to the 2 courses.
Which didn't go very well. Somehow I feel after that time where I felt something scrapping the floor, I don't seem to dare to corner much nor speed up.. so my S course (or figure 8) was like 10s. Which is quite unsafe because the max is 11s. So alittle demoralised. Then crank course somehow I kept jerking because I didn't release the clutch gradually. Felt quite demoralised but seriously kept praying I don't hafta retake again. Even though the skills still not great.
AND I PASSED!!! So damn happy!! Actually when the instructor called us over I saw he held the next lesson's papers, and 3 booklets seperately. So I kinda knew that 3 people passed. So had a bit of hope though was trying not to get my hopes too high. Then he went through 1 by 1 and told them what needed to be worked on and told them sorry need to come back for Lesson 3 again. And then as I saw the booklets decreasing my hope pick up and I PASSED!! Though I was the first one from the 3 and he told me I did have some parts I need improvement.
Tbh I am very worried about all the courses. I don't seem very stable in any. So.. I hope to pass by this year though. I saw Ruth passed her driving and she said it was her birthday present to herself. I would love to give that to myself too!! So I'm working towards it. (:
--
1 May was the 1st Race from The Performance Series and it was held at Punggol Waterfont/Waterway and Coney Island.
Because the lanes were pretty narrow, I started off at a pace faster than normal to follow the speed of the pack and that really killed me. Though of course.. I didn't train again=X But nonetheless the pace killed me even more. By 6km I stopped and started walking. But I did jog once in awhile la.. But was hoping to finally be able to run a full 10km run without stopping.. Never done it before!! Like whole run never stop (except for hydration).
Nonetheless, sprinted past the finishing line and it felt good. Weather was hot because it started later than usual (for good reasons because Coney Island doesnt open till 7 or something so needed to start later so we can run through + volunteers can go in and standby at their positions).
The drink was terrible. Lucozade. Tasted too strong flavoured and caused me to have that phlegm-y feeling. I realised pocari sweat is good during runs. Realised during the 2xu where they provided pocari sweat and it was quenching yet 'bland' enough such that it didnt cause me to have the phelgm feeling which I really hate. Though now I have learnt to make it better by taking both sports drink and plain water. Drink sports drink first and then water to flush it down. Previously I didn't and omg the feeling of running 2km to the next hydration station for water with phlegm-ish feeling while panting is damn terrible.
Anyway!! No plain water provided after the run, only Lucozade, so I was alittle pissed but still drank most of the bottle before throwing it away because I don't wanna waste. Then went off home.
Timing for 10km was 1hour 19min 36s. Not the best time I have had and definitely not what I would have hoped for, but taking into account that I didn't train, I guess it's not terrible.
My goal, since The Performance Series is made up of 5 runs (including one vertical one if I'm not wrong), is such that every single run my timing must improve. So, looking forward to my last run! My goal is to complete 10km in 1hour. Haha. I know it isn't super amazing because I have seen friends who just go downstairs and jog normally/routinely 10km and the timing is around 1hour, but I have nver done it so that's my goal, no matter how slow it may appear to others.
So, jiayous!! Haha
--
Metup with Deanna on 5May for breakfast and Starbucks!! Was really glad that I had no urgent work to do during the time I spent with her. Met at 10am at Causeway for Mac breakfast and then slowly wandered over to Starbucks to chill and just chat. And we did just that, till 3pm. Amazing or what?! It's nice to have someone comfortable to just chill and chat with, because totally myself.
Randomly talked about lesbians and how we would never say we DEFINITELY would not like girls while previously ZG mentioned he definitely would not like men. So concluded that men are quite sure about it while girls are like I might, so I wont say never. Haha. And even talking about who we felt were perfect, or beautiful.
Really an enjoyable time, and then went watch shopping with Deanna because she wanted to replace her couple watch. Being bimbos in the shop wondering aloud whether casio and baby-g are the same brand and... they are. HAHAHAHA. And Deanna really shop damn fast. I don't shop so can't compare. She tried on the white one, and then the black one, and then the white one again, and decided. I was kinda shocked because.. that's fast. HAHAHA.
Nonetheless happy for her that she bought a new watch! Then we went off home seperately and I did some work.
--
Supposed to study for exams. That's why I am blogging. HAHAHAHA. Everything is more interesting than studying. Way behind because distracted everyday. Supposed to complete 2 modules already but not even 1 chapter done. in ANY module. Die.
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