Midnight musings

Haven't blogged in a really long time. Lots of thoughts but no mood to pen them down.

Even this blogpost will be random and all over the place I guess.

Hopefully graduating soon. Yet not looking forward to having to be an adult. Last sem really wore me down so much that this sem I am totally not excited even though one of the module seems really interesting - Positive Psychology.

Anyway, enough about school. I wanna go for volunteer trips and have tried applying through email but no reply so far. Hope I will get a reply soon because I am so restless.


Another random, I have been crazily binge watching Super Junior videos on youtube and I am TOTALLY A FAN NOW!! Favourite members are D&E but if I had to choose it would definitely be Eunhyuk. My goodness he is like perfect. Now THAT is a perfect guy.
And seriously, yes 27 years and gushing over someone like I'm a teenager. I need to grow up. But he is really perfect!! Watched super alot of videos and really love the group's interactions and their obvious love for each other. It's so beautiful. And how lovely and real all of them are.

That said, recently I have been thinking alot. About how if I want a guy like him, I would definitely need to be someone who is perfect too? Just been musing about all my imperfections and all. I find myself thinking alot recently about life, character, love etc. I don't know, just feel that I am so disappointed with myself. I look at myself and just wanna sigh. I wanna work on self-improvement this year but I don't know how to start. How to be less annoying? How to be less whiney? How to be more independant? How to overcome my anxiety problems? How to actually look at myself and like/love myself? Honestly, I don't like myself. I hate myself and I don't understand how I can have such lovely friends around me who always have my back. I am very blessed. I always say, someone up there really loves me. And I honestly believe it. I am very thankful to my God that I have such lovely people around me. I don't go to church anymore but I still believe.

I am thankful for people around me who love and accept me for who I am, but that doesn't stop the fact that I do hate myself. I don't know how to love someone as flawed as I am. I wish I could confidently say that I am a girl worth loving, but I can't even convince myself. So my goal and wish is to be someone good enough, such that I can say I am worthy of love from a really good guy. Or something. Not saying that Tony isn't good. But sometimes I just feel.. we're just together on borrowed time. And he can get very hurtful too.

Ohwell. Recently I found a quote (which i suddenly remembered while peeing) and it goes like so:
We're all in the same game, just different levels
Dealing with the same hell, just different devils

So yup. I wanna constantly remind myself that while I am always having internal struggles with myself and my dislike for myself, others are also fighting their own battles and they are no less intense than mine, perhaps just different. And we all have our own devils which may seem insignificant to others but we struggle intensely with. So we should never judge others based on what we THINK their struggles are. As another saying goes, "Don't judge me till you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life".

So yes this IS a very random blogpost. Just midnight musings and confession of my new and first kpop love. HAHAHA. I've never ever been the kpop type of person, but then again what drew me to Super Junior wasn't the kpop (though their new song Black Suit is AWESOMEE!!) but rather their interactions, their obvious love and support for each other and their personalities. Beautiful. Thankful to know that despite the kpop scene being known to be brutal, there is a group like them that above all cares for each other first.(:

Missing Poly idiots

So I was looking at memories on fb and this was 7 years ago. How I miss poly times and these 2 idiots whose jokes always makes me laugh. 

Fyi: not saying I miss Deanna/ZG cuz I still meet/contact them sometimes. But really thankful for the 2 of them and how they never ever forget about me<3 div="">

谁还记得　是谁先说　永远的爱我
以前的一句话　是我们以后的伤口
过了太久　没人记得　当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手　说要一起　走到最后

我们都忘了　这条路走了多久
心中是清楚的　有一天　有一天都会停的
让时间说真话　虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后　我们都不知道会不会有以后

谁还记得　是谁先说　永远的爱我
以前的一句话　是我们以后的伤口
过了太久　没人记得　当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手　说要一起　走到最后

更多更详尽歌词 在魔镜歌词网 
我们都累了　却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑　怎么说　怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么　也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人　等著对方先说想分开的理由

谁还记得　爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中　看见了不同的天空
走得太远　终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我　要有两个　相反的梦

谁还记得　是谁先说　永远的爱我
以前的一句话　是我们以后的伤口
过了太久　没人记得　当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手　说要一起　走到最后

我和你手牵手　说要一起　走到最后


--

Forever? To be fair you never said you would love me forever. But I guess it still hurts nonetheless when the relationship is going downhill.

"See your memories" on Facebook - 6 years ago

So Facebook reminded me of my memories. and this was what happened 6 years ago. Goodness I feel old. I also do miss Poly times. When everything was fun. And this stupid SP wasn't an aeroplane pilot yet._.

He used to be such a good friend!! Nonetheless, I still have Deanna and ZG(: I do miss Jasper too.

Random; I took my 1st paper today and bumped into Jiawei(: It was so heartwarming when he said to me that he thinks/imagines me to be someone who work with kids. And I was like I WANT LEH!! Thinking to find children-related jobs when I grad(: But long way to go. Exams are here but stressed 'cuz I didn't study.

1st paper down  ut did badly. Hope to pass ba..

♡

A thousand times I've failed

Still Your mercy remains

And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your Grace

♡

The Cold War

So we have not been speaking since Friday. Because of long story, and basically because I went suntan with Deanna (and ZG) on Sun.

So somehow he was just being his typical controlling self, asking lots of questions again and again when I already answered and generally the conversation was going bad.

Then after that he mentioned that even if I lie he also wouldn't know if I didn't tell him honestly (about whether I will be wearing a bikini). And I was really quite pissed because end of the day the trust is still not there. I have proven myself countless of times but despite it all he still doubts me. I dunno. Everytime go out with friends he will keep telling me don't go drinking even though I have proved that I haven't drunk with my friends for super long and I don't. But regardless of that, he still doubts me. Tell me once is fine, but not keep repeating it. Telling me once I will be abit turned off also because I have already consistently proved myself so why still need to bring it up? But repeatedly just makes me so mad. Means the 1st time I said I won't he doesn't believe or trust at all.

Anyway so in a fit of anger I replied that trust is fundamental in a relationship and if he always don't trust me the relationship won't be able to last!

And he immediately got all negative as if I said wanna break like that. So anyway, then after that we cold war. Not before he was sarcastic and said that he will think through about what I said and make the right decision. The fuck is 'the right decision'.

I dunno.

My whole emotions are all very confused now. But I refuse to be the first to speak. And tbh I think this time, he feels the same way too. Normally in the end he comes and talks to me first (but not in a nice way. Usually in the blaming way like saying I can do perfectly fine without him it seems etcetc. Which then leads to another quarrel. And he always insists he comes and talks to me first, NICELY. Wth).

Random blogspot filled with random stuff

But first, HI DEANNAAAA!! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Anyway! You are like my one and only loyal blog reader so I can greet you by name. SO COOL HOR. HAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway! I came across this video on Clicknetwork and I already watched it quite afew times.

https://www.clicknetwork.tv/how-beautiful-are-you

It is such an amazing video(: I mean, this has been used and overused so many times by advertising companies, by pschologists etc. But nonetheless it is still touching(: I think everyone will almost always rate themselves lower than how their friends/family would rate them. Though tbh I don't think the with and without makeup thing applies to everyone. I mean.. most people I know don't really put on makeup? But anyway the main reason why I have rewatched this so many times is cuz it is really sweet!! Touching ttm.

Anyway! That was a random.

--
Another random; is love every enough to justify feeling like a hypocrite?
Is love enough to justify the fact that I am going for all those 'religious' classes despite my obvious dislike of them? Isn't that so hypocritical to go for them pretending I am fine but inwardly just really hating the whole time?

Is love enough such that I will be able to overlook how much of a liar and hypocrite I am? I don't wanna look at myself and feel like a liar and a hypocrite. But then, how?

I don't know. Recently had a very bad quarrel to the extent we really almost broke up. I know, I said that sentence countless of times. "We almost broke up". What's new right, same old thing she's saying but it never happens. Except this time we really almost did. In the end same thing again, we decided wait for him to come back. But to be honest, with all that I said, how much I disliked/hated the classes, I guess it can only go 1 way.

Don't know why but I just chickened out and said to wait for him to come back before we settle it once and for all. I've been thinking through it for ages, and there is only one conclusion to our relationship, because I can't give him what he wants. But nonetheless I am so unable and reluctant to give it up. Which ended up causing me to say wait for him to come back and we iron things out clearly.

What's the point of delaying it, I don't know. Only know I still can't do it. Can't end it (the relationship), can't embrace it (the religion).

--
Alot of assignments completed, now for the rest of the semester I have about 4 assignments to go.
Submitted 7 assignments already. This sem feels so crazy, even though last sem I also had alot of assignments to do.

Nonetheless, feeling so stressed from school. I wish I studied fulltime. Where I can do stuff like join sports and stuff. More carefree. Maybe I just don't wanna grow up. Who wants to right. Growing up sucks and I ain't even halfway there. I am so much more immature than people my age, more immature than my friends.

And don't even know what to do in future even if I were to graduate with a degree in Psychology.

--
Just wanna do my travelling to nature-filled places for hiking and etc. Bring me to yogyakarta, nepal, australia, newzealand, iceland, canada etc please.