Haven't blogged in a really long time. Lots of thoughts but no mood to pen them down.
Even this blogpost will be random and all over the place I guess.
Hopefully graduating soon. Yet not looking forward to having to be an adult. Last sem really wore me down so much that this sem I am totally not excited even though one of the module seems really interesting - Positive Psychology.
Anyway, enough about school. I wanna go for volunteer trips and have tried applying through email but no reply so far. Hope I will get a reply soon because I am so restless.
Another random, I have been crazily binge watching Super Junior videos on youtube and I am TOTALLY A FAN NOW!! Favourite members are D&E but if I had to choose it would definitely be Eunhyuk. My goodness he is like perfect. Now THAT is a perfect guy.
And seriously, yes 27 years and gushing over someone like I'm a teenager. I need to grow up. But he is really perfect!! Watched super alot of videos and really love the group's interactions and their obvious love for each other. It's so beautiful. And how lovely and real all of them are.
That said, recently I have been thinking alot. About how if I want a guy like him, I would definitely need to be someone who is perfect too? Just been musing about all my imperfections and all. I find myself thinking alot recently about life, character, love etc. I don't know, just feel that I am so disappointed with myself. I look at myself and just wanna sigh. I wanna work on self-improvement this year but I don't know how to start. How to be less annoying? How to be less whiney? How to be more independant? How to overcome my anxiety problems? How to actually look at myself and like/love myself? Honestly, I don't like myself. I hate myself and I don't understand how I can have such lovely friends around me who always have my back. I am very blessed. I always say, someone up there really loves me. And I honestly believe it. I am very thankful to my God that I have such lovely people around me. I don't go to church anymore but I still believe.
I am thankful for people around me who love and accept me for who I am, but that doesn't stop the fact that I do hate myself. I don't know how to love someone as flawed as I am. I wish I could confidently say that I am a girl worth loving, but I can't even convince myself. So my goal and wish is to be someone good enough, such that I can say I am worthy of love from a really good guy. Or something. Not saying that Tony isn't good. But sometimes I just feel.. we're just together on borrowed time. And he can get very hurtful too.
Ohwell. Recently I found a quote (which i suddenly remembered while peeing) and it goes like so:
We're all in the same game, just different levels
Dealing with the same hell, just different devils
So yup. I wanna constantly remind myself that while I am always having internal struggles with myself and my dislike for myself, others are also fighting their own battles and they are no less intense than mine, perhaps just different. And we all have our own devils which may seem insignificant to others but we struggle intensely with. So we should never judge others based on what we THINK their struggles are. As another saying goes, "Don't judge me till you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life".
So yes this IS a very random blogpost. Just midnight musings and confession of my new and first kpop love. HAHAHA. I've never ever been the kpop type of person, but then again what drew me to Super Junior wasn't the kpop (though their new song Black Suit is AWESOMEE!!) but rather their interactions, their obvious love and support for each other and their personalities. Beautiful. Thankful to know that despite the kpop scene being known to be brutal, there is a group like them that above all cares for each other first.(:
