So we have not been speaking since Friday. Because of long story, and basically because I went suntan with Deanna (and ZG) on Sun.
So somehow he was just being his typical controlling self, asking lots of questions again and again when I already answered and generally the conversation was going bad.
Then after that he mentioned that even if I lie he also wouldn't know if I didn't tell him honestly (about whether I will be wearing a bikini). And I was really quite pissed because end of the day the trust is still not there. I have proven myself countless of times but despite it all he still doubts me. I dunno. Everytime go out with friends he will keep telling me don't go drinking even though I have proved that I haven't drunk with my friends for super long and I don't. But regardless of that, he still doubts me. Tell me once is fine, but not keep repeating it. Telling me once I will be abit turned off also because I have already consistently proved myself so why still need to bring it up? But repeatedly just makes me so mad. Means the 1st time I said I won't he doesn't believe or trust at all.
Anyway so in a fit of anger I replied that trust is fundamental in a relationship and if he always don't trust me the relationship won't be able to last!
And he immediately got all negative as if I said wanna break like that. So anyway, then after that we cold war. Not before he was sarcastic and said that he will think through about what I said and make the right decision. The fuck is 'the right decision'.
I dunno.
My whole emotions are all very confused now. But I refuse to be the first to speak. And tbh I think this time, he feels the same way too. Normally in the end he comes and talks to me first (but not in a nice way. Usually in the blaming way like saying I can do perfectly fine without him it seems etcetc. Which then leads to another quarrel. And he always insists he comes and talks to me first, NICELY. Wth).
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Random blogspot filled with random stuff
But first, HI DEANNAAAA!! HAHAHAHAHA!!
Anyway! You are like my one and only loyal blog reader so I can greet you by name. SO COOL HOR. HAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway! I came across this video on Clicknetwork and I already watched it quite afew times.
https://www.clicknetwork.tv/how-beautiful-are-you
It is such an amazing video(: I mean, this has been used and overused so many times by advertising companies, by pschologists etc. But nonetheless it is still touching(: I think everyone will almost always rate themselves lower than how their friends/family would rate them. Though tbh I don't think the with and without makeup thing applies to everyone. I mean.. most people I know don't really put on makeup? But anyway the main reason why I have rewatched this so many times is cuz it is really sweet!! Touching ttm.
Anyway! That was a random.
--
Another random; is love every enough to justify feeling like a hypocrite?
Is love enough to justify the fact that I am going for all those 'religious' classes despite my obvious dislike of them? Isn't that so hypocritical to go for them pretending I am fine but inwardly just really hating the whole time?
Is love enough such that I will be able to overlook how much of a liar and hypocrite I am? I don't wanna look at myself and feel like a liar and a hypocrite. But then, how?
I don't know. Recently had a very bad quarrel to the extent we really almost broke up. I know, I said that sentence countless of times. "We almost broke up". What's new right, same old thing she's saying but it never happens. Except this time we really almost did. In the end same thing again, we decided wait for him to come back. But to be honest, with all that I said, how much I disliked/hated the classes, I guess it can only go 1 way.
Don't know why but I just chickened out and said to wait for him to come back before we settle it once and for all. I've been thinking through it for ages, and there is only one conclusion to our relationship, because I can't give him what he wants. But nonetheless I am so unable and reluctant to give it up. Which ended up causing me to say wait for him to come back and we iron things out clearly.
What's the point of delaying it, I don't know. Only know I still can't do it. Can't end it (the relationship), can't embrace it (the religion).
--
Alot of assignments completed, now for the rest of the semester I have about 4 assignments to go.
Submitted 7 assignments already. This sem feels so crazy, even though last sem I also had alot of assignments to do.
Nonetheless, feeling so stressed from school. I wish I studied fulltime. Where I can do stuff like join sports and stuff. More carefree. Maybe I just don't wanna grow up. Who wants to right. Growing up sucks and I ain't even halfway there. I am so much more immature than people my age, more immature than my friends.
And don't even know what to do in future even if I were to graduate with a degree in Psychology.
--
Just wanna do my travelling to nature-filled places for hiking and etc. Bring me to yogyakarta, nepal, australia, newzealand, iceland, canada etc please.
Anyway! You are like my one and only loyal blog reader so I can greet you by name. SO COOL HOR. HAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway! I came across this video on Clicknetwork and I already watched it quite afew times.
https://www.clicknetwork.tv/how-beautiful-are-you
It is such an amazing video(: I mean, this has been used and overused so many times by advertising companies, by pschologists etc. But nonetheless it is still touching(: I think everyone will almost always rate themselves lower than how their friends/family would rate them. Though tbh I don't think the with and without makeup thing applies to everyone. I mean.. most people I know don't really put on makeup? But anyway the main reason why I have rewatched this so many times is cuz it is really sweet!! Touching ttm.
Anyway! That was a random.
--
Another random; is love every enough to justify feeling like a hypocrite?
Is love enough to justify the fact that I am going for all those 'religious' classes despite my obvious dislike of them? Isn't that so hypocritical to go for them pretending I am fine but inwardly just really hating the whole time?
Is love enough such that I will be able to overlook how much of a liar and hypocrite I am? I don't wanna look at myself and feel like a liar and a hypocrite. But then, how?
I don't know. Recently had a very bad quarrel to the extent we really almost broke up. I know, I said that sentence countless of times. "We almost broke up". What's new right, same old thing she's saying but it never happens. Except this time we really almost did. In the end same thing again, we decided wait for him to come back. But to be honest, with all that I said, how much I disliked/hated the classes, I guess it can only go 1 way.
Don't know why but I just chickened out and said to wait for him to come back before we settle it once and for all. I've been thinking through it for ages, and there is only one conclusion to our relationship, because I can't give him what he wants. But nonetheless I am so unable and reluctant to give it up. Which ended up causing me to say wait for him to come back and we iron things out clearly.
What's the point of delaying it, I don't know. Only know I still can't do it. Can't end it (the relationship), can't embrace it (the religion).
--
Alot of assignments completed, now for the rest of the semester I have about 4 assignments to go.
Submitted 7 assignments already. This sem feels so crazy, even though last sem I also had alot of assignments to do.
Nonetheless, feeling so stressed from school. I wish I studied fulltime. Where I can do stuff like join sports and stuff. More carefree. Maybe I just don't wanna grow up. Who wants to right. Growing up sucks and I ain't even halfway there. I am so much more immature than people my age, more immature than my friends.
And don't even know what to do in future even if I were to graduate with a degree in Psychology.
--
Just wanna do my travelling to nature-filled places for hiking and etc. Bring me to yogyakarta, nepal, australia, newzealand, iceland, canada etc please.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)