i suspect depression?

So many things i did.. but still, you zoom in on the things i do wrong..

its tiring to always quarrel. its tiring to always have to defend myself.

Its so tough when i make effort and then when i get angry at you for telling me things last min you turn the table around and scold ME for being difficult and etc.

Everytime i talk to you i have this fear that anything said might escalate into a quarrel. Yes, no doubt im always the one who starts shouting/getting agitated. But you have a special fucked up way of saying things which are so damn demeaning, patronising, condescending and super insulting.

Then when i get angry because you calmly insulted me, you can say why must i get so agitated, you are talking in a very nice tone.

So passive aggressive. I dont know how you do it. but you sure are manipulative.

Sometimes I hate you.

Too bad it seems like i love you more? I dont know. I know nothing except that i miss you but even then i am afraid to dream of anything.

Even though we are planning a little group trip to Port Dickon with the rest, im afraid we might breakup before that and how awkward it would be. I probably would do a no-show then. I really dont know. Something is definitely wrong if i am thinking such thoughts right?

Mummy.. if not for you.. i might really.

I dont wanna lie. I dont wanna have to lie to someone i love so much.

But seriously? Sometimes it's easier to nt tell you. But end of the day i still tell you. Yet u accuse me that I dont share stuff with you.

I do.

And also, do ou know how much courage is needed to share stuff with you?

I really wan my other half to support things i do and love..

Again been eons since i last blogged.

No time, no mood. Nothing.

Seems like everytime i think to myself "wah quite long never quarrel already, that's good."EVERY SINGLE TIME, within that week, we will have a quarrel.

Guess my mouth very 'ling'. Just thought it recently, like wednesday?
I know it always happens. In fact when i thought it i was already like shit. another storm brewing then.

But i cant help it. I cant help thinking. It just pops out suddenly and its just like shit. I just thought it. It's gonna happen. Another quarrel is gonna come..

So yea..

Really feel like crying. Why am i so weak. Why?


On a sidenote, watched Inside Out today. Cried twice. Not sure if because was already down to start with or would have cried anyway.

On the way home felt like crying too..

What is this.. why is a relationship so painful..



Why am nothing that i wasna be and everything sucky. Why am i such a failure..

Been so damn long since i last blogged..

Life's been a bitch. Basically everything's been a bitch, including me apparently.

So... lying to me from the start was a mistake but you 'dont wanna talk about the past'
Yea.. riightttt... thats kinda smart because.. why talk about the past right? It already happened so suck it up!
Except.. i asked about the very thing which is currently killing our rs..

I had the foresight to ask. But you chose to lie to me thinking you could convert me.

You made me fall for u.. when you never had the intention to catch me UNLESS im like the girl you want me to be.

There is a ready girl there for you. Yes you said dont talk about her cuz thats your past.
But you said you all drifted away because she still young wanna play kind. Now she's all grown up, mature and in your ft.
Touch your own heart and can you say with all honesty that if i weren't in the picturem you would have chased her now?

Because she's everything you want. Cute as well.
Guai, cute, loves your religion, long hair, girly.

Everything im not.

Because, im hard to love, need to be tolerated, and dont deserve/not worthy of love.

Our relationship doesnt have issues of cheating. Nor physical abuse.

But basically; it has every other issue.

Tell me once and tell me true, so i can say i'm here for you. Do you love me or do you not?

Am i ever gonna be good enough. Doesnt seem so. Will i ever be first? Doesnt seem so. I dont blame you for putting your mum first. My mum is first in my life too. But why are you always on her side. I need comfort too. I need love too. I need someone who will stand up for me too.

I need someone who doesnt always make me feel small. Worthless. Useless.

Why. Why did u choose me in the first place if im nothing like what you want?


If i ever die, i want a christian funeral.
if i ever get dumped, im never dating again. Im gonna be fucking successful IN MY OWN TERMS. im gonna do what i want.

Sometimes i hate disney. For lying to me about a prince charming. This one spends too much time caring about himself. Where am i in the equation?

Im so stressed recently. I cant even share with you cuz u will just shoot me about everything. Im so stressed. I broke down. Where are you? Im weak. But i need comfort. I need someone to hold me when i fall. Not SCOLD me when i fall.
so so stressed.

I gave my heart. Where's yours in exchange?

I feel lonely.

Maybe because i dreamt of you last night. 1 year. 1 freaking year.

Maybe im just emotionally down.

So damn tired everyday cuz i haven had good sleep since you left.