love.

what a painful emotion.
quarrels, tears, unattainable expectations.

looking through old blogposts; and a ppt dat my church group made for me for my 18th birthday.

reading them all (the well wishes and the blogspots) really make me sad. i used 2 be so much more cheerful and happy and nonsensical.

its like ever since i graduated the happiness and joy all leaves as well. everyone is rushing and trying 2 grow up, and telling me 2grow up as well. its tough, having 2 always haf 2 suck it up cuz people dont appreciate the fact dat i love my low paying job. the fact dat i am happy at my job cuz of my colleagues and the cute kids who randomly might say stuff 2 cheer up your WHOLE day. its like when a child comes and finds YOU  when they need help; dats the most rewarding time. when they're lost or dont know how 2 do and come up 2 u and say "but i cannot",its like meltssss.

but at the same time my life juz seems so sad. no JOYS in my life. i dont feel as happy as previously. granted,i STILL do haf happy moments, but my life is so BLANK now. i dont even have things 2 update and when i do its all negative stuffs.

frenz being upset wif you becuz u're not mature enough; frenz asking you 2 grow up.



i miss the cheerful joyful me. where did i go wrong?

yesterday at work, an ultimate cute kid took english for the first classday. she's a math student and we all super love her

when she came in she said to me "i like english."
me: ya but u muz do math 1st okay?
little girl:*gives me a very blur and innocent face* math? what is math?


OMG. sooo cute!!

Stitch: This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

Lilo: Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten.

simple thing only, i told you the room number of the chalet which costa sands sent to me and you dont believe saying there should be an alphabet. i also thought there should be an alphabet but the fact is that THERE ISNT. and i cant do anything cuz the sms doesnt state the alphabet. means probably when my mum goes there then can know exactly.

but u insist im wrong and insist that i send it to you. so ok. then u find out HEY SHE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.

and instead of apologising u say i overreact. hallo.u didnt even freaking trust me. i shouldnt be angry/upset?
seriously? male chauvinist pig. and then u start raising your voice at me when i raise my voice at you. hallo. my fault that they never send an alphabet? like i can do anything??

basic trust leh. somemore say what cuz i always very blur so wan me 2 forward. forward alr im really correct one sorrie oso cannot. still say what i overreact. and always saying im immature, and stuff like if your fren starts avoiding you shouldnt you 1st think why they do dat? like OHWOW PLS. i do ok. i haf so freaking low selfesteem i immediately assume its confirm smt wrong with me. instead of consoling me you shoot me. then what's the point?

yes i have 2 rant out everything here now. cuz im so pissed. and feeling really quite alone.
i dont even dare 2 share much to anyone anymore. everytime i share i get shoot instead.

i juz need some comforting words before u start telling me all the cold hard truths. is that so difficult?

and they really didnt send me any alphabet.is that also supposed to be my fault?

im sick. really quite sick. fever-ed twice this week. and coughing my lungs out till i wanna vommit. often having the gag reflex.

but the thing i hear the most is "u're very noisy. i cant sleep/concentrate"

i feel the love.

more and more im realizing that being myself is not enough;it is not what others want from me.