Monday, January 1, 2024
Sunday, December 12, 2021
Why do some people enjoy making life difficult for others?
Why do you, when something has already been settled and followed your wishes already, still want to make changes?
Why fix whats not broken?
Why look for nonsense things to nitpick on??
Are you so fucking free to think of making life more difficult for others?
Did you ever consider that events need time and effort and energy to plan? Why change something which is already fixed? Where we already fucking followed your wishes to go and get an auspicious date. Where the previous date you suggested for this year I was already excited for, then you said no cannot have 2 weddings in 1 year. Sure, fine we change date and go and ask for an auspicious date. Then the date comes and just nice it's in the same month as our anniversary. I am happy about it since its easier to remember though if I had it my way it would be on our anniversary itself. Nevermind, you happy I wont complain else more trouble.
Things were fixed, I was telling people when my wedding would be etc. Then our BTO gets delayed. Nothing much, it's kinda expected anyway. THEN you turn around and tell him, NOT ME OR US, JUST HIM, that oh should stay in same house after getting married. We are gonna get the house less than half a year into our wedding. It's fucking fine.
Why must you stick your nose into every single thing. We followed your wishes already. Initially suddenly had to get married this year. Then after we were okay with that, suddenly you said no cannot. Ok fine we followed your wishes. THEN you said to go and ask for an auspicious date. Sure we went to get that. And at that point you told HIM AND NOT ME OR US that I raised my voice at you. I was firm. Extremely firm but in no way did I raise my voice at you. If you are too weak that's your fucking problem. Fuck him too for saying I did it too. You all obviously have not seen the difference between being firm and raising voice. Forget it. You decided to complain to HIM AND HE CONFRONTED ME. Fine, forget it. We stick to the auspicious date given. Everything is all good. NOW you fucking want to delay to 2nd half of next year JUST BECAUSE MARRIED COUPLES SHOULD STAY TOGETHER AFTER GETTING MARRIED.
Sorry, I know he is trying by suggesting I move in after the wedding. Why the fuck would I when you are always giving me trouble. When I have my own room and the best mum in the world to stay with until my house comes??
Wednesday, January 20, 2021
I hate 2021
It's only mid-end Jan so far and I am so done with 2021.
Im apart from my work family (split into 2 offices and they are in another block), though quite afew of us are in the same block however it is the main office and the culture there is extremely different.
Im in a class which Im struggling with not because of the children showing behaviours because so far they are relatively calm (ish), but then its just the whole feel. Plus I am no longer with my favouritest colleague whom i shall not name here just incase. But I really love working together with her and then now to be able to see her in another class but not work with her, its killing me.
And I am really not doing well.
Everyday I wake up and think I wanna quit my job and I wanna stop my studies. It's so bad to the extent that every little thing triggers me and I almost raised breaking up with Tony just cuz he was thinking not to come over to stay over on one day.
I'm dying. I'm ready for 2021 to end. Infact last year I felt I almost had depression from Circuit Breaker but now I'm like maybe Circuit Breaker would be good now cuz I'm not with the people I enjoy being with at work anyway.
Monday, September 21, 2020
2020. The year of testings
I hate 2020.
I remember a phrase often heard in church; 'God will not test you beyond what you cannot bear.'
And I remember always being so thankful that God knew I was weak so He never tested me in things that were really important and close to my heart.
Apparenty someday a time of testing will still come. This year is by far the worst year I have ever had in my entire life. And that's saying something, considering that I have lived close to 29 years already. As if the pandemic wasn't causing enough emotional distress in me.
I gotta be honest, I've always been a really blessed girl.
Now, even though what hurts and scares me the most is not even a confirmed but only a guess, it already hurts me so much.
All along I have been someone who kinda dares to do things which at times surprise people considering I'm not a daredevil type of person. Shave my head? Sure. Travel alone to a foreign country far away to volunteer alone? Sure.
Because all along I know I have a safety net. I have a safe place. I know that even 14hours away by flight, if I were to ever get into trouble and needed help, you would come to me in a heartbeat. You would set aside everything, book a flight to find me, sit 14 frigging hours on a cramped plane without knowledge of how to navigate transit flights and a foreign language and come for me.
What am I ever going to do without you? I don't ever want to know, and I pray that I will never need to know. Please forever be my safe place. I need you in my life.
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Crossing oceans
So recently just had a quarrel with Tony regarding many things. Same old issues as well as new issues. Pretty frustrating, especially the one about his FT and how I am no longer willing to give in and go for it. And how I outright reject him. What should I have done then? Pretend to be thinking about it but reject him in the end? Doesn't make sense also right.
Anyway, I thought of the quote which said "Don't cross oceans for people who won't cross a puddle for you." Because I felt that I have been crossing oceans for him previously, all sorts of things which made me unhappy but I did it anyway, just for him. But when I realised that I really didn't enjoy it and was slowly hating myself more, I decided to stop and that was also when I realised that he wasn't able to accept and respect that. He wasn't going to even cross a puddle for me.
And so I went to google it. And this came up:
Anyway, I thought of the quote which said "Don't cross oceans for people who won't cross a puddle for you." Because I felt that I have been crossing oceans for him previously, all sorts of things which made me unhappy but I did it anyway, just for him. But when I realised that I really didn't enjoy it and was slowly hating myself more, I decided to stop and that was also when I realised that he wasn't able to accept and respect that. He wasn't going to even cross a puddle for me.
And so I went to google it. And this came up:
And I think it really kinda gave me a wake-up call. Yes I've been crossing oceans for him. Yes he wouldn't cross a puddle for . But, life and love isn't about what you gain. It's about what you give. Wow. I think that really made me rethink myself.
Yes I still won't go back to FT just because of this. But I think it helped me lessen the blame I put on him. I shouldn't see the effort/respect he put in and compare it to the amount that I did.
End of the day as he said, he always tries to fetch me to and from school. Not always, but whenever he is able to usually he does.
But honestly speaking I was feeling really neglected the week before and was really unhappy and lonely. And then shit happened. Mum went A&E cuz of knee, then the very next day Tony went A&E cuz of knee AS WELL and found out it was a hairline crack.
And it was long weekend cuz of Good Friday. I was really down because I thought I finally had some times with him and there we are, stuck with being able to do nothing. Maybe I expected too much, maybe I hoped for too much.
Regardless, I really don't know. There are some oceans/mountains that I really cant cross/climb. The FT one. I can't. But he made it pretty clear that he will never propose if I can't support him in that area.
Frustrated. Assignment deadline is over but I haven't started it. Gonna use the grace period to rush but I really have no mood. Fuck this. Really. I just wanna be happy. What's so wrong with me that I can't even enjoy this year. The last year of studying. What did I do so wrong previously for this. I know I'm not a good person, who volunteers or etc. But I don't need luxuries. I just wanna be loved. Is that so difficult?? Or maybe as he once said, I am difficult to love.
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Missing Poly days
This is a random blogpost but I've been looking at the "On this day" thing through facebook which reminds you what happened (if any) years ago on this very day.
It's almost always poly period because that was when I was active on FB. And honestly speaking, I really miss poly times. I miss my poly clique. I miss Ruth. I miss my church friends. I miss church camp so fucking much (FYI, because this period happens to be church camp period years ago and I seriously cant stop missing church camp). I miss being happy. I miss being carefee. I miss having the freedom to be myself. I REALLY REALLY miss church camps. Where all the people I love from church are all together and we end up tonning because we are doing heart-to-heart talks with each other. Oh goodness. I miss people who are no longer close to me but will always carry a special place in my heart. (Hi deanna, including you and ZG kay!)
Like I mentioned, poly clique, church clique, and random people here and there.
Life hasn't been very good to me emotionally. Since last year around Dec it's kinda been down and never really went up. It's like one thing after another. I am tired. I have no right to complain because my job is fine and my boss is great, but I am tired. From everything else. Emotionally it hasn't been fun. My sister's problem, my mum's quarel w my sis, my mum's knee injury.
Personally I am also financially REALLY tight. But really thankful to people around me and to God.
Jehovah Jireh (:
Don't know what else I wanna say too. I miss the old me.
It's almost always poly period because that was when I was active on FB. And honestly speaking, I really miss poly times. I miss my poly clique. I miss Ruth. I miss my church friends. I miss church camp so fucking much (FYI, because this period happens to be church camp period years ago and I seriously cant stop missing church camp). I miss being happy. I miss being carefee. I miss having the freedom to be myself. I REALLY REALLY miss church camps. Where all the people I love from church are all together and we end up tonning because we are doing heart-to-heart talks with each other. Oh goodness. I miss people who are no longer close to me but will always carry a special place in my heart. (Hi deanna, including you and ZG kay!)
Like I mentioned, poly clique, church clique, and random people here and there.
Life hasn't been very good to me emotionally. Since last year around Dec it's kinda been down and never really went up. It's like one thing after another. I am tired. I have no right to complain because my job is fine and my boss is great, but I am tired. From everything else. Emotionally it hasn't been fun. My sister's problem, my mum's quarel w my sis, my mum's knee injury.
Personally I am also financially REALLY tight. But really thankful to people around me and to God.
Jehovah Jireh (:
Don't know what else I wanna say too. I miss the old me.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Midnight musings
Haven't blogged in a really long time. Lots of thoughts but no mood to pen them down.
Even this blogpost will be random and all over the place I guess.
Hopefully graduating soon. Yet not looking forward to having to be an adult. Last sem really wore me down so much that this sem I am totally not excited even though one of the module seems really interesting - Positive Psychology.
Anyway, enough about school. I wanna go for volunteer trips and have tried applying through email but no reply so far. Hope I will get a reply soon because I am so restless.
Another random, I have been crazily binge watching Super Junior videos on youtube and I am TOTALLY A FAN NOW!! Favourite members are D&E but if I had to choose it would definitely be Eunhyuk. My goodness he is like perfect. Now THAT is a perfect guy.
And seriously, yes 27 years and gushing over someone like I'm a teenager. I need to grow up. But he is really perfect!! Watched super alot of videos and really love the group's interactions and their obvious love for each other. It's so beautiful. And how lovely and real all of them are.
That said, recently I have been thinking alot. About how if I want a guy like him, I would definitely need to be someone who is perfect too? Just been musing about all my imperfections and all. I find myself thinking alot recently about life, character, love etc. I don't know, just feel that I am so disappointed with myself. I look at myself and just wanna sigh. I wanna work on self-improvement this year but I don't know how to start. How to be less annoying? How to be less whiney? How to be more independant? How to overcome my anxiety problems? How to actually look at myself and like/love myself? Honestly, I don't like myself. I hate myself and I don't understand how I can have such lovely friends around me who always have my back. I am very blessed. I always say, someone up there really loves me. And I honestly believe it. I am very thankful to my God that I have such lovely people around me. I don't go to church anymore but I still believe.
I am thankful for people around me who love and accept me for who I am, but that doesn't stop the fact that I do hate myself. I don't know how to love someone as flawed as I am. I wish I could confidently say that I am a girl worth loving, but I can't even convince myself. So my goal and wish is to be someone good enough, such that I can say I am worthy of love from a really good guy. Or something. Not saying that Tony isn't good. But sometimes I just feel.. we're just together on borrowed time. And he can get very hurtful too.
Ohwell. Recently I found a quote (which i suddenly remembered while peeing) and it goes like so:
We're all in the same game, just different levels
Dealing with the same hell, just different devils
So yup. I wanna constantly remind myself that while I am always having internal struggles with myself and my dislike for myself, others are also fighting their own battles and they are no less intense than mine, perhaps just different. And we all have our own devils which may seem insignificant to others but we struggle intensely with. So we should never judge others based on what we THINK their struggles are. As another saying goes, "Don't judge me till you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life".
So yes this IS a very random blogpost. Just midnight musings and confession of my new and first kpop love. HAHAHA. I've never ever been the kpop type of person, but then again what drew me to Super Junior wasn't the kpop (though their new song Black Suit is AWESOMEE!!) but rather their interactions, their obvious love and support for each other and their personalities. Beautiful. Thankful to know that despite the kpop scene being known to be brutal, there is a group like them that above all cares for each other first.(:
Even this blogpost will be random and all over the place I guess.
Hopefully graduating soon. Yet not looking forward to having to be an adult. Last sem really wore me down so much that this sem I am totally not excited even though one of the module seems really interesting - Positive Psychology.
Anyway, enough about school. I wanna go for volunteer trips and have tried applying through email but no reply so far. Hope I will get a reply soon because I am so restless.
Another random, I have been crazily binge watching Super Junior videos on youtube and I am TOTALLY A FAN NOW!! Favourite members are D&E but if I had to choose it would definitely be Eunhyuk. My goodness he is like perfect. Now THAT is a perfect guy.
And seriously, yes 27 years and gushing over someone like I'm a teenager. I need to grow up. But he is really perfect!! Watched super alot of videos and really love the group's interactions and their obvious love for each other. It's so beautiful. And how lovely and real all of them are.
That said, recently I have been thinking alot. About how if I want a guy like him, I would definitely need to be someone who is perfect too? Just been musing about all my imperfections and all. I find myself thinking alot recently about life, character, love etc. I don't know, just feel that I am so disappointed with myself. I look at myself and just wanna sigh. I wanna work on self-improvement this year but I don't know how to start. How to be less annoying? How to be less whiney? How to be more independant? How to overcome my anxiety problems? How to actually look at myself and like/love myself? Honestly, I don't like myself. I hate myself and I don't understand how I can have such lovely friends around me who always have my back. I am very blessed. I always say, someone up there really loves me. And I honestly believe it. I am very thankful to my God that I have such lovely people around me. I don't go to church anymore but I still believe.
I am thankful for people around me who love and accept me for who I am, but that doesn't stop the fact that I do hate myself. I don't know how to love someone as flawed as I am. I wish I could confidently say that I am a girl worth loving, but I can't even convince myself. So my goal and wish is to be someone good enough, such that I can say I am worthy of love from a really good guy. Or something. Not saying that Tony isn't good. But sometimes I just feel.. we're just together on borrowed time. And he can get very hurtful too.
Ohwell. Recently I found a quote (which i suddenly remembered while peeing) and it goes like so:
We're all in the same game, just different levels
Dealing with the same hell, just different devils
So yup. I wanna constantly remind myself that while I am always having internal struggles with myself and my dislike for myself, others are also fighting their own battles and they are no less intense than mine, perhaps just different. And we all have our own devils which may seem insignificant to others but we struggle intensely with. So we should never judge others based on what we THINK their struggles are. As another saying goes, "Don't judge me till you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life".
So yes this IS a very random blogpost. Just midnight musings and confession of my new and first kpop love. HAHAHA. I've never ever been the kpop type of person, but then again what drew me to Super Junior wasn't the kpop (though their new song Black Suit is AWESOMEE!!) but rather their interactions, their obvious love and support for each other and their personalities. Beautiful. Thankful to know that despite the kpop scene being known to be brutal, there is a group like them that above all cares for each other first.(:
Monday, July 17, 2017
Missing Poly idiots
Fyi: not saying I miss Deanna/ZG cuz I still meet/contact them sometimes. But really thankful for the 2 of them and how they never ever forget about me<3 div="">
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
谁还记得 是谁先说 永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得 当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
我们都忘了 这条路走了多久
心中是清楚的 有一天 有一天都会停的
让时间说真话 虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后 我们都不知道会不会有以后
谁还记得 是谁先说 永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得 当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
更多更详尽歌词 在魔镜歌词网
我们都累了 却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑 怎么说 怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么 也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人 等著对方先说想分开的理由
谁还记得 爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中 看见了不同的天空
走得太远 终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我 要有两个 相反的梦
谁还记得 是谁先说 永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得 当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
--
Forever? To be fair you never said you would love me forever. But I guess it still hurts nonetheless when the relationship is going downhill.
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得 当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
我们都忘了 这条路走了多久
心中是清楚的 有一天 有一天都会停的
让时间说真话 虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后 我们都不知道会不会有以后
谁还记得 是谁先说 永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得 当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
更多更详尽歌词 在魔镜歌词网
我们都累了 却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑 怎么说 怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么 也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人 等著对方先说想分开的理由
谁还记得 爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中 看见了不同的天空
走得太远 终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我 要有两个 相反的梦
谁还记得 是谁先说 永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得 当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
我和你手牵手 说要一起 走到最后
--
Forever? To be fair you never said you would love me forever. But I guess it still hurts nonetheless when the relationship is going downhill.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
"See your memories" on Facebook - 6 years ago
So Facebook reminded me of my memories. and this was what happened 6 years ago. Goodness I feel old. I also do miss Poly times. When everything was fun. And this stupid SP wasn't an aeroplane pilot yet._.
He used to be such a good friend!! Nonetheless, I still have Deanna and ZG(: I do miss Jasper too.
Random; I took my 1st paper today and bumped into Jiawei(: It was so heartwarming when he said to me that he thinks/imagines me to be someone who work with kids. And I was like I WANT LEH!! Thinking to find children-related jobs when I grad(: But long way to go. Exams are here but stressed 'cuz I didn't study.
1st paper down ut did badly. Hope to pass ba..
Monday, November 7, 2016
♡
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your Grace
I'm caught in Your Grace
♡
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
The Cold War
So we have not been speaking since Friday. Because of long story, and basically because I went suntan with Deanna (and ZG) on Sun.
So somehow he was just being his typical controlling self, asking lots of questions again and again when I already answered and generally the conversation was going bad.
Then after that he mentioned that even if I lie he also wouldn't know if I didn't tell him honestly (about whether I will be wearing a bikini). And I was really quite pissed because end of the day the trust is still not there. I have proven myself countless of times but despite it all he still doubts me. I dunno. Everytime go out with friends he will keep telling me don't go drinking even though I have proved that I haven't drunk with my friends for super long and I don't. But regardless of that, he still doubts me. Tell me once is fine, but not keep repeating it. Telling me once I will be abit turned off also because I have already consistently proved myself so why still need to bring it up? But repeatedly just makes me so mad. Means the 1st time I said I won't he doesn't believe or trust at all.
Anyway so in a fit of anger I replied that trust is fundamental in a relationship and if he always don't trust me the relationship won't be able to last!
And he immediately got all negative as if I said wanna break like that. So anyway, then after that we cold war. Not before he was sarcastic and said that he will think through about what I said and make the right decision. The fuck is 'the right decision'.
I dunno.
My whole emotions are all very confused now. But I refuse to be the first to speak. And tbh I think this time, he feels the same way too. Normally in the end he comes and talks to me first (but not in a nice way. Usually in the blaming way like saying I can do perfectly fine without him it seems etcetc. Which then leads to another quarrel. And he always insists he comes and talks to me first, NICELY. Wth).
So somehow he was just being his typical controlling self, asking lots of questions again and again when I already answered and generally the conversation was going bad.
Then after that he mentioned that even if I lie he also wouldn't know if I didn't tell him honestly (about whether I will be wearing a bikini). And I was really quite pissed because end of the day the trust is still not there. I have proven myself countless of times but despite it all he still doubts me. I dunno. Everytime go out with friends he will keep telling me don't go drinking even though I have proved that I haven't drunk with my friends for super long and I don't. But regardless of that, he still doubts me. Tell me once is fine, but not keep repeating it. Telling me once I will be abit turned off also because I have already consistently proved myself so why still need to bring it up? But repeatedly just makes me so mad. Means the 1st time I said I won't he doesn't believe or trust at all.
Anyway so in a fit of anger I replied that trust is fundamental in a relationship and if he always don't trust me the relationship won't be able to last!
And he immediately got all negative as if I said wanna break like that. So anyway, then after that we cold war. Not before he was sarcastic and said that he will think through about what I said and make the right decision. The fuck is 'the right decision'.
I dunno.
My whole emotions are all very confused now. But I refuse to be the first to speak. And tbh I think this time, he feels the same way too. Normally in the end he comes and talks to me first (but not in a nice way. Usually in the blaming way like saying I can do perfectly fine without him it seems etcetc. Which then leads to another quarrel. And he always insists he comes and talks to me first, NICELY. Wth).
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Random blogspot filled with random stuff
But first, HI DEANNAAAA!! HAHAHAHAHA!!
Anyway! You are like my one and only loyal blog reader so I can greet you by name. SO COOL HOR. HAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway! I came across this video on Clicknetwork and I already watched it quite afew times.
https://www.clicknetwork.tv/how-beautiful-are-you
It is such an amazing video(: I mean, this has been used and overused so many times by advertising companies, by pschologists etc. But nonetheless it is still touching(: I think everyone will almost always rate themselves lower than how their friends/family would rate them. Though tbh I don't think the with and without makeup thing applies to everyone. I mean.. most people I know don't really put on makeup? But anyway the main reason why I have rewatched this so many times is cuz it is really sweet!! Touching ttm.
Anyway! That was a random.
--
Another random; is love every enough to justify feeling like a hypocrite?
Is love enough to justify the fact that I am going for all those 'religious' classes despite my obvious dislike of them? Isn't that so hypocritical to go for them pretending I am fine but inwardly just really hating the whole time?
Is love enough such that I will be able to overlook how much of a liar and hypocrite I am? I don't wanna look at myself and feel like a liar and a hypocrite. But then, how?
I don't know. Recently had a very bad quarrel to the extent we really almost broke up. I know, I said that sentence countless of times. "We almost broke up". What's new right, same old thing she's saying but it never happens. Except this time we really almost did. In the end same thing again, we decided wait for him to come back. But to be honest, with all that I said, how much I disliked/hated the classes, I guess it can only go 1 way.
Don't know why but I just chickened out and said to wait for him to come back before we settle it once and for all. I've been thinking through it for ages, and there is only one conclusion to our relationship, because I can't give him what he wants. But nonetheless I am so unable and reluctant to give it up. Which ended up causing me to say wait for him to come back and we iron things out clearly.
What's the point of delaying it, I don't know. Only know I still can't do it. Can't end it (the relationship), can't embrace it (the religion).
--
Alot of assignments completed, now for the rest of the semester I have about 4 assignments to go.
Submitted 7 assignments already. This sem feels so crazy, even though last sem I also had alot of assignments to do.
Nonetheless, feeling so stressed from school. I wish I studied fulltime. Where I can do stuff like join sports and stuff. More carefree. Maybe I just don't wanna grow up. Who wants to right. Growing up sucks and I ain't even halfway there. I am so much more immature than people my age, more immature than my friends.
And don't even know what to do in future even if I were to graduate with a degree in Psychology.
--
Just wanna do my travelling to nature-filled places for hiking and etc. Bring me to yogyakarta, nepal, australia, newzealand, iceland, canada etc please.
Anyway! You are like my one and only loyal blog reader so I can greet you by name. SO COOL HOR. HAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway! I came across this video on Clicknetwork and I already watched it quite afew times.
https://www.clicknetwork.tv/how-beautiful-are-you
It is such an amazing video(: I mean, this has been used and overused so many times by advertising companies, by pschologists etc. But nonetheless it is still touching(: I think everyone will almost always rate themselves lower than how their friends/family would rate them. Though tbh I don't think the with and without makeup thing applies to everyone. I mean.. most people I know don't really put on makeup? But anyway the main reason why I have rewatched this so many times is cuz it is really sweet!! Touching ttm.
Anyway! That was a random.
--
Another random; is love every enough to justify feeling like a hypocrite?
Is love enough to justify the fact that I am going for all those 'religious' classes despite my obvious dislike of them? Isn't that so hypocritical to go for them pretending I am fine but inwardly just really hating the whole time?
Is love enough such that I will be able to overlook how much of a liar and hypocrite I am? I don't wanna look at myself and feel like a liar and a hypocrite. But then, how?
I don't know. Recently had a very bad quarrel to the extent we really almost broke up. I know, I said that sentence countless of times. "We almost broke up". What's new right, same old thing she's saying but it never happens. Except this time we really almost did. In the end same thing again, we decided wait for him to come back. But to be honest, with all that I said, how much I disliked/hated the classes, I guess it can only go 1 way.
Don't know why but I just chickened out and said to wait for him to come back before we settle it once and for all. I've been thinking through it for ages, and there is only one conclusion to our relationship, because I can't give him what he wants. But nonetheless I am so unable and reluctant to give it up. Which ended up causing me to say wait for him to come back and we iron things out clearly.
What's the point of delaying it, I don't know. Only know I still can't do it. Can't end it (the relationship), can't embrace it (the religion).
--
Alot of assignments completed, now for the rest of the semester I have about 4 assignments to go.
Submitted 7 assignments already. This sem feels so crazy, even though last sem I also had alot of assignments to do.
Nonetheless, feeling so stressed from school. I wish I studied fulltime. Where I can do stuff like join sports and stuff. More carefree. Maybe I just don't wanna grow up. Who wants to right. Growing up sucks and I ain't even halfway there. I am so much more immature than people my age, more immature than my friends.
And don't even know what to do in future even if I were to graduate with a degree in Psychology.
--
Just wanna do my travelling to nature-filled places for hiking and etc. Bring me to yogyakarta, nepal, australia, newzealand, iceland, canada etc please.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Honey, I'm Good
So I just finished my 12km Puma Night Run 2016 (awhile ago) and now I'm home and supposed to do assignments because next week I got afew due. :(
But this is a random post about the song I heard at the Puma Night Run which I really liked (it was very upbeat) and it feels very meaningful to me.
Which is the song "Honey, I'm good" by Andy Grammer.
Super catchy song and I just went to youtube to binge listen to it. Ya I am the type if I like a particular song I need to burn out on it by listening to it like FOREVER. Haha.
And I really love the video!! The official music video. Made up of couples ranging from attached afew months to those who have been together for years. I think the longest I saw was 71 years. I might have missed another which might be higher but nonetheless, that is not the main point.
The main point is the video just makes me smile. It is full of love and happiness and all. The simplest of love and how the couples are so happy together singing along with the song. Lovely!!
Like the chorus part the most:
So nah nah honey, I’m good
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
And if I stay I might not leave alone
No, honey, I’m good
I could have another but I probably should not
I gotta bid you adieu
To another I will stay true
It's such a sweet song I feel. (: Sweet and catchy and meaningful. LOVELY!(:
I think it's really real too. The song admits that there are 'distractions/temptations' out there, but the guy CHOOSES to stay true. Aint that sweet?!
But this is a random post about the song I heard at the Puma Night Run which I really liked (it was very upbeat) and it feels very meaningful to me.
Which is the song "Honey, I'm good" by Andy Grammer.
Super catchy song and I just went to youtube to binge listen to it. Ya I am the type if I like a particular song I need to burn out on it by listening to it like FOREVER. Haha.
And I really love the video!! The official music video. Made up of couples ranging from attached afew months to those who have been together for years. I think the longest I saw was 71 years. I might have missed another which might be higher but nonetheless, that is not the main point.
The main point is the video just makes me smile. It is full of love and happiness and all. The simplest of love and how the couples are so happy together singing along with the song. Lovely!!
Like the chorus part the most:
So nah nah honey, I’m good
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
And if I stay I might not leave alone
No, honey, I’m good
I could have another but I probably should not
I gotta bid you adieu
To another I will stay true
It's such a sweet song I feel. (: Sweet and catchy and meaningful. LOVELY!(:
I think it's really real too. The song admits that there are 'distractions/temptations' out there, but the guy CHOOSES to stay true. Aint that sweet?!
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Joseph Schooling and the gold medal in the Olympics
Everybody's talking about it. And everybody's excited about it. Definitely I am too!! It is such an honour and pride for Singapore that a true blue Singaporean has won gold in the Olympics! Beating Michael Phelps, no less!! Call me ethnocentric or whatever but wins from Singapore athletes, who weren't Singaporeans but born elsewhere, just don't make me cheer. (Not that I would know of any because I don't follow the Olympics. I followed the last Olympics though) However last Olympics although the name Michael Phelps was already all over, I never bothered to know much about him. But this round I am just so in awe. When I read about his interactions with JS and how he previously and still encourage JS, it is just so WAAAHHH. I mean that's JS's idol encouraging him. Even though they are also rivals in the pool!! How cool!! He is totally like a humble mentor!! When he got silver and JS got Gold he even hugged and congratulated JS. And when reporters were asking him questions he directed them to JS saying that he was the one who won Gold and should be the one being asked questions. OMG so humble!! Just really so in awe about how amazing Michael Phelps is as a swimmer, and how humble and mentor-ish he is as a person.
Anyway, so awesome that Joseph Schooling won the gold medal!! And on a more serious note, a little jealousy. HAHAHAHA. I MEAN IT WAS ALWAYS MY DREAM TO REPRESENT SINGAPORE IN THE OLYMPICS FOR EITHER SWIMMING OR RUNNING!! Hahas. Though I know jolly well that I'm never good enough for that.
But you know when we were choosing Secondary Schools, during my time (not sure if it is just me or what), sports school was like a dream. It was always my dream to get into sports school and eventually train and represent Singapore in Swimming!! Especially swimming because it's my favouritest sport.
Not sure if others felt the same way because I once asked my sister and she said she never had any wish to be in sports school at all.
Nonetheless, I always wished for that because in my swimming class last time apparently I was the fastest in the class in breaststroke. Haha so cool right? Not really actually. All were females (except 2 guys who joined later. They were older than me but started learning later so of course they would be slower?) and I think 2 were younger/same age as me and 1 was older (by 1 year). And of course my sister was in the class as well. So.. not very cool because the class was small so winning wasn't that difficult. HAHAHAHA. When I tell my sister of my OLYMPICS SWIMMING DREAM she never fails to remind me that she passed silver before me (though we started learning at the same time). Well that's true._. I swam one length of the pool with the tshirt and pyjamas on and I couldn't swim back. Held onto the side of the pool and cried. HAHAHAHA. So embarrassing to think about it now. My mum and coach tried to encourage me to continue swimming but I cried and said cannot. Eventually the rest were training for gold cert(?) but I hadn't passed silver but my coach trained me the same as the others because he believed that I was the same level as them. (I joined the next time for silver and passed it with flying colours. Even swam till I lost count and when I checked with the coach who was counting he said I over already and asked me to go out of the pool because I was done)
ANYWAY that is beside the point. The point is I wish I had the potential to be a swimmer in the national team. I think maybe it's also because I had awesome coaches for swimming and running. I mean if I were to be completely objective, I am so damn bloody average in my swimming and running. Maybe even below average. But my coaches never ever said that to me, and made me feel like I was something.
I remember during my athletics days in secondary school, I was always the slowest girl in sprinting. FOREVER THE LAST. And eventually my coach plucked me out to do long distance training instead. The rest of the girls would be doing short distance sprinting but I would be running sets of 1km/set. So even though I was the worst in sprinting and my coach realised it, he made sure to train me in another aspect so I wouldn't get demoralised I guess? Actually I am forever grateful to my athletics coach because of it. I mean looking back now, I see that maybe he decided to train me for long distance because my sprinting cmi. But when I was at that age, I thought it must have been because my stamina was good so he wanted to train me long distance! So I am really glad that he actually put that thought into my mind, because look at me now. I am still doing long distances(: Though not to the extent of regular 21km or 42.195km and not even regular jogging, but I do join quite afew 10kms. And sometimes when I run I think to myself, 'Coach would have been proud to see me like this'. Not because I am fast or have good timings, because I definitely don't. My timings are really cui. But because he inspired me to continue jogging till now. So, thank you coach! Haha
Which kinda brings me back to the whole JS news. His father saw potential in him and paid out of his own pocket to send him overseas to have the best coach. Read an article that another swimmer Quah Zheng Wen did not have those privileges (tbh not many would have those privileges) and perhaps if given the same privileges, might have gone to do better than his pb right now? Well the main point of the article was to slam Singapore for not acknowledging local talents for the Olympics but rather spending money on other less than desirable reasons (read as scholarships for foreign students while Singaporean students struggle with fees). A Singaporean rower Saiyidah Aisyah hadta crowdfund for money to go to the Olympics. Whatt?? I did see that eventually government did do something but seriously? She is representing Singapore and gotta find money herself to go to the Olympics. Thanks Singapore for recognizing and encouraging talent for the Olympics.
Anyway! I am getting long winded and trying to appear knowledgeable about all the money/privilege saga about Singapore providing them to foreign talent instead of local talent. Tbh I only got these information from reading them off facebook, where people share articles and I kaypoh and read. HAHA.
Nonetheless, really wish that Singapore could be more active in looking for athletes to represent Singapore, from LOCAL TALENTS. Haha and secretly wishing that Singapore was proactive about it long ago and somehow I was capable enough. HAHAHAHAHA. OH WELL. I CAN DREAM RIGHT.
I can't join the Olympics and represent Singapore in swimming but I can (and have) join the Swim for Hope event to help raise funds for the beneficiaries(:
I can't join the Olympics and represent Singapore in running but I can (and have) join many runs in Singapore which makes me happy and challenge myself. And my goal is to go overseas for Marathons and also to eventually complete a triathlon. (:
Anyway, so awesome that Joseph Schooling won the gold medal!! And on a more serious note, a little jealousy. HAHAHAHA. I MEAN IT WAS ALWAYS MY DREAM TO REPRESENT SINGAPORE IN THE OLYMPICS FOR EITHER SWIMMING OR RUNNING!! Hahas. Though I know jolly well that I'm never good enough for that.
But you know when we were choosing Secondary Schools, during my time (not sure if it is just me or what), sports school was like a dream. It was always my dream to get into sports school and eventually train and represent Singapore in Swimming!! Especially swimming because it's my favouritest sport.
Not sure if others felt the same way because I once asked my sister and she said she never had any wish to be in sports school at all.
Nonetheless, I always wished for that because in my swimming class last time apparently I was the fastest in the class in breaststroke. Haha so cool right? Not really actually. All were females (except 2 guys who joined later. They were older than me but started learning later so of course they would be slower?) and I think 2 were younger/same age as me and 1 was older (by 1 year). And of course my sister was in the class as well. So.. not very cool because the class was small so winning wasn't that difficult. HAHAHAHA. When I tell my sister of my OLYMPICS SWIMMING DREAM she never fails to remind me that she passed silver before me (though we started learning at the same time). Well that's true._. I swam one length of the pool with the tshirt and pyjamas on and I couldn't swim back. Held onto the side of the pool and cried. HAHAHAHA. So embarrassing to think about it now. My mum and coach tried to encourage me to continue swimming but I cried and said cannot. Eventually the rest were training for gold cert(?) but I hadn't passed silver but my coach trained me the same as the others because he believed that I was the same level as them. (I joined the next time for silver and passed it with flying colours. Even swam till I lost count and when I checked with the coach who was counting he said I over already and asked me to go out of the pool because I was done)
ANYWAY that is beside the point. The point is I wish I had the potential to be a swimmer in the national team. I think maybe it's also because I had awesome coaches for swimming and running. I mean if I were to be completely objective, I am so damn bloody average in my swimming and running. Maybe even below average. But my coaches never ever said that to me, and made me feel like I was something.
I remember during my athletics days in secondary school, I was always the slowest girl in sprinting. FOREVER THE LAST. And eventually my coach plucked me out to do long distance training instead. The rest of the girls would be doing short distance sprinting but I would be running sets of 1km/set. So even though I was the worst in sprinting and my coach realised it, he made sure to train me in another aspect so I wouldn't get demoralised I guess? Actually I am forever grateful to my athletics coach because of it. I mean looking back now, I see that maybe he decided to train me for long distance because my sprinting cmi. But when I was at that age, I thought it must have been because my stamina was good so he wanted to train me long distance! So I am really glad that he actually put that thought into my mind, because look at me now. I am still doing long distances(: Though not to the extent of regular 21km or 42.195km and not even regular jogging, but I do join quite afew 10kms. And sometimes when I run I think to myself, 'Coach would have been proud to see me like this'. Not because I am fast or have good timings, because I definitely don't. My timings are really cui. But because he inspired me to continue jogging till now. So, thank you coach! Haha
Which kinda brings me back to the whole JS news. His father saw potential in him and paid out of his own pocket to send him overseas to have the best coach. Read an article that another swimmer Quah Zheng Wen did not have those privileges (tbh not many would have those privileges) and perhaps if given the same privileges, might have gone to do better than his pb right now? Well the main point of the article was to slam Singapore for not acknowledging local talents for the Olympics but rather spending money on other less than desirable reasons (read as scholarships for foreign students while Singaporean students struggle with fees). A Singaporean rower Saiyidah Aisyah hadta crowdfund for money to go to the Olympics. Whatt?? I did see that eventually government did do something but seriously? She is representing Singapore and gotta find money herself to go to the Olympics. Thanks Singapore for recognizing and encouraging talent for the Olympics.
Anyway! I am getting long winded and trying to appear knowledgeable about all the money/privilege saga about Singapore providing them to foreign talent instead of local talent. Tbh I only got these information from reading them off facebook, where people share articles and I kaypoh and read. HAHA.
Nonetheless, really wish that Singapore could be more active in looking for athletes to represent Singapore, from LOCAL TALENTS. Haha and secretly wishing that Singapore was proactive about it long ago and somehow I was capable enough. HAHAHAHAHA. OH WELL. I CAN DREAM RIGHT.
I can't join the Olympics and represent Singapore in swimming but I can (and have) join the Swim for Hope event to help raise funds for the beneficiaries(:
I can't join the Olympics and represent Singapore in running but I can (and have) join many runs in Singapore which makes me happy and challenge myself. And my goal is to go overseas for Marathons and also to eventually complete a triathlon. (:
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Tony's home leave: Penang, Cameron Highlands and etc
Omg. This blogpost is WAAAAAAYYY overdue.
So Tony came back for Home Leave from 15th June to 28th June. And it was very packed because Penang was 17-20 June and then Cameron Highlands was 21-24 June and then after that was Staycation 25-26 June. So.. super packed and busy.
Anyway so he came back on 15th and luckily I didn't have much work to do, brought my laptop out but no work, yays!! Met him at the airport and then went off home with him taking 858.
After that was doing collect the car he rented at Yishun, and off to do stuff. I don't remember where we went actually. I remember we were supposed to go Plaza Sing to repair his phone but not sure whether we went on that day or another.
--
16 June: Shuffle
We went to Shuffle with AM and SY and I was really pissed. I had some work to do and also needed to pack for Penang trip so I went home while he went to do his stuff. Make specs and etc I think. Anyway so because already settled beforehand that he was gonna fetch AM from work and then drive to Shuffle (supposedly with me but I had work so I split off). So I was gonna go Shuffle alone. No issues with that. Except I asked him whether it was at 8pm and he said yes, so I prepared and went out. When I was at Dhoby I asked him whether he fetched AM already because I didn't wanna reach Shuffle first and wait around etc. And he told me he just left Plaza Sing.
I WAS SO PISSED. He knows I go Clarke Quay need to go through Dhoby (which is where PS is at what), he went to PS to collect his repaired phone couldn't he have the basic decency to ASK ME MY LOCATION TO SEE IF I WAS NEARBY AND HE COULD WAIT FOR ME? No, he fucking rushed to PS to collect his phone and rushed off.
I was already pissed and then I went to Clarke Quay. Reached downstairs of Shuffle and asked him where he was, and he said he haven't fetch AM yet. I was feeling pissed already and this made my blood boil. It was already past 8pm. And then he said I thought I told you its 9pm? WTF. (To be fair I think the day before he did tell me 9pm. But I forgot. But when I asked him on the day itself, whether it is 8pm, he said yes). Stood outside Shuffle for about 45mins just boiling. Really every minute my blood boil hotter. When he finally came I totally refused to talk to him or let him coax me to not be angry. I think AM was alittle taken aback. But anyway eventually after SY reached, also all talk. But really was pissed.
Anyway after that we went tauhuey at Jalan Kayu there, and JT came to meet us too. After that was send AM home, and SY stayed over at her house, and then us home too. I think Tony stayed over.
--
17-20 June: Penang
Took a flight to Penang, and I'm not gonna describe every day one by one but rather as a whole. Penang isn't TOTALLY my cup of tea to be honest. AM on the other hand loved it and declared that she would totally be back again. Tony likes it too, he would la the food was good. I liked the food too. Alot of choices, we didn't even finish all the food places he planned and he was sooooo upset he didn't get to try Penang Chendol.
I found the assam laksa really yummy! Not too spicy and it was sour-ish, SUPER YUMS!! Wished I had the chance to eat there another time before we came back, really liked it! Oh and did I mention. Once I touched down my throat hurt and I couldn't stop sneezing. And I'm sick till now btw. Wth right.
And once I reached Penang I'm sick. My sore throat got progressively worse as the day went by so I asked Tony to help me buy Panadol when he went to guardian. Dunno what else he went to buy because initially HE wanted to go guardian. Anyway, damn suay. I brought my little bag of medicine but I didn't bring the important ones, like FLU, COUGH and SORETHROAT meds. FML right.
Luckily Tony had flu meds so I ate his flu meds and Panadol. Didn't exactly get better but didn't worsen any more so I guess it is a good thing already.
We AirBnB-ed the place, a condo which was really beautiful(: There were quite afew beds so enough for about 6people!
But we only got 3. Even got an upstairs, master bedroom was upstairs with a larger toilet. Downstairs one was tiny.
But I slept downstairs with AM. There were 2 single beds in the 'living room' and because AM watched conjuring 2 she was kinda scared and she said she doesn't mind if we sleep in the master bedroom but hope we don't mind if she carry the mattress up and sleep on the floor. Of course I said don't crazy we all sleep downstairs and tried to force Tony to sleep with me on the single bed BUT he keep looking at the king bed upstairs and he promised ok 1 night sleep downstairs. And he went up to sleep. Haha. He was like GOT SUCH A BIG BED UPSTAIRS U ASK ME SQUEEZE WITH YOU ON A TINY SINGLE BED? Anyway I was sick so might have been a good thing we didn't share a bed otherwise later he also sick. (And the whole trip he only slept downstairs ONCE. And not even with me. It was the last night and he slept about an hour on my bed because we played cards and drank till late, and did packing. So I didn't sleep).
Penang has alot of phototaking places. The wall murals, the museums (I enjoyed the Upside Down Museum tho.) and etc. Visited a temple too.
Visited the swimming pool at the condo and major regret. I dunno why the hell the wind so damn strong (actually I know la, it was near the sea, so confirm windy) AND THE WATER WAS ICY COLD. I swear I was shivering the whole time in the water. AM can attest to that, she laughed at my goosebumps. She say move around then won't so cold. I move I got even colder. My theory is I alr warmed the water around me, I move I am touching new water which is cold! Anyway eventually I went out and suntan. Tony and AM concluded that the water is cold but not as cold as I made it out to be, therefore concluding that I felt that way because I was sick. Which I was really damn sick during that trip.
Also visited the gym for a 3km jog(: Nothing fast and almost died, but at least I exercised. (:
Went cafe hopping too! Not exactly la. Went just afew cafes. Had the most awesome churros I ever ate at a cafe called The Alley. We almost missed it because the top of the cafe had some chinese words. We only saw it by chance. We were walking towards The Alley (which we thought was a distance away) and then passed by a 'random cafe' and AM decided to look at the chalkboard Menu because kaypoh and then SHE REALISED IT WAS THE ALLEY. Damn heng! Best churros!
The first cafe we went was called piknik and I love the atmosphere. Very relaxing. But seriously their pistachio cheesecake last warning. TAKE OUT THE PISTACHIO WORD. NO PISTACHIO TASTE DE!! Was very meh. But the atmosphere full marks!(:
Don't remember much, all in all not exactly my type. I mean I enjoyed the food, but my idea of a holiday involves something like hiking or some kinda sports. Or water sports. Haha. Of course I love relaxing as well. But at least 1 day do something adventurous. But anyway I got it in Cameron, so no complains!
--
20-24 June: Cameron Highlands
Cameron Highlands was pretty awesome!! We drove up (again, as usual) and it was really absolutely great to have the convenience of driving because in Cameron Highlands itself basically you gotta drive everywhere. We stayed in the town which had less attractions so we often drove from out town to the other main town.
While driving up, normally I am really the typical sleep in the car. Once my buttock hits the seat and the car starts moving my eyelids start to close. But I really tried to keep awake because this time round noone else to talk to Tony when he drives. Otherwise in Penang usually I sit behind and sleep. Also, because I am sick. HAHAHAHA nola. Either way whether sick or not, I always feel sleepy in car rides.
Anyway, halfway up to Cameron we stopped at the waterfall again to take pictures. Actually the last time we went Cameron we already took pictures. It was also where AM dropped her new polaroid camera ._.
Anyway! After a brief rest continued up and into Cameron Highlands!! Super major love the weather!!
After checking in went for dinner and check for adventure tour because I DESPERATELY WANTED TO GO HIKING. Also, Tony wanted to go up to the peak which meant need the 4 wheel drive vehicle to bring us because the last time we tried going up and it was so steep we were alittle afraid to drive up ourselves.
So we found a travel agency (?) right beside the Starbucks and found the best day tour which fit our criteria! Mainly was the 4 wheel drive up and the hiking I guess. But they also brought us to the BOH tea plantation so we didn't need to drive up ourselves. The tour we booked was for our 3rd day at Cameron.
On our 2nd day we decided to clear all the places which are not covered in the tour, so we went to pluck strawberries and bee farm etc. The pluck strawberries is totally cheat money one lor. Not that plucking the strawberries are very expensive. But the strawberries on the plants are all not very ripe and tiny? But the ones they sell are huge and a lovely shade of red!! Looked so delicious!! So we bought waffles with strawberry jam I think, to eat there. After that we went to a market as well and the strawberries were ALL SO BEAUTIFUL. Made us totally upset and regret plucking our own strawberries. Nonetheless the experience is still fun. Though this is my 3rd time plucking strawberries already. HAHAHA. STILL FUN THOUGH. Because we had a box of strawberries we couldn't buy the absolutely beautifully red strawberries at the market so we ate alot of fried mushrooms. Which were yummy but cold :( They fry beforehand so by the time we buy they were cold.
We also went to another tea plantation to buy tea because Tony wanted something other than BOH tea because he said BOH tea ships to Singapore and Brunei so he don't want. He want something more special and only bought in Cameron. So okay. Hahaha
We also went to the Lavender Farm, looked at flowers and strawberries. But main thing, we ate again. We really go every tourist spot also eat. To be fair the tea eggs looked and tasted fantastic! Once we exited the Farm we bought fried vegetables and coconut drink. Oh goodness. We really didn't stop eating at all because even in the car we were eating.
Then we went off to the Bee Farm to buy my HONEY! I love honey. Walked around and saw the bees in the garden (?) and then went to buy our honey.
Don't remember what else we did on the 2nd day.
3rd day!! My favourite!! Early morning went out and the vehicle which came to pick us up was just totally badass! So country, cowboy-ish!
Anyway they brought us first to hiking! And it wasn't in Cameron. We travelled quite a long time down, and it wasn't cold anymore. But because hiking all around is trees ma so it was cooling. Luckily.
The hiking was really my favourite part of the tour. It was to see the Rafflesia flower but to be honest I didn't care much about the flower. Nonetheless it was worth it to see the flower after our long hike in the forest. If the flower died already I think I better go flip table. Actually no la. I enjoyed the hiking and climbing SO MUCH that no flower I also contented. What I really liked was that my shoes after that were dirty and it totally gave me a sense of satisfaction!! Initially when I stepped into mud I was so upset because new shoes you know. My UA shoes were just bought last Dec and already I stepped into mud quite afew times in this pair of shoes!! But after that, looking at my shoes just made me feel that I did hiking which is not just walking in a forest trail but involved climbing up and down and it made me happy(: Definitely not as jialat as Tony's shoes tho. His shoes totally changed colour ._. During the hike I felt totally no ache so after the hike I was so proud of myself and told Tony I'm not aching at all!! Totally regret because the next day every single movement, EVEN WALKING, caused me to ache all over.
Another thing I loved about the hike was there were 2 dogs with us!! I totally love the one called Milo. And it kept running behind me for quite awhile too! Super happy!! Even when I move to let it go first because the lane is very narrow and I thought it might wanna run infront, it would just stay behind me. I totally feel like it is my guardian angel like that, making sure I don't slip. Hahahaha. On our way back it disappeared tho-.- Think it ran with its owner behind because on our way back our group got alittle stretched out with one guide taking us infront and another guide waiting for some at the back.
Finally reached back to the vehicles and tried blowpipe hunting. Pretty fun though I had to try like 3 times before successfully hitting the board.
Then it was off for lunch and then BOH tea plantation where Tony in the end still decided to buy more tea and then we had a drink each while we just sat and enjoyed the scenery and the weather for awhile. Off to the top of Cameron Highlands after that!! Sat behind with other tourists, and it was totally great to hear them talk. Like they were doing backpacking and one of them was going Thailand the next day!! Totally awesome. They were really well travelled and often went backpacking, so jealous!! Tony sat infront because he wanted to see the view of the road while going up. He was so excited about it!
After an extremely bumpy but exciting ride up, we finally reached the top. After climbing up a structure to get the best view, we went alittle down to walk the mossy forest to find the pitcher plant. Tony found one and kept insisting the one he saw was tiny and wanted to find another bigger one while I just enjoyed the walk through the forest. By that time our group kinda gelled together so we were walking together. Went back when time was up.
Then after that was back to hotel were we rested abit before going out for dinner. OMG HOW COULD I FORGET TO MENTION THE AWESOME ICECREAM WE HAD AT CAMERON. I ate it twice. HAHAHAHA. First time was on first day I think. I saw someone eating icecream (the cornetto type) and totally had craving for icecream so I was looking for the same type. Finally found a mama shop selling those type AND REALISED THEY HAD THEIR HOMEMADE ICECREAM! Obviously anything homemade grabs my attention so I had the yam icecream while Tony chose Matcha. Both were super awesome!! So on the 3rd day after dinner I insisted we HADTA go eat it again!! This time double scoop. Haha.
Then Tony bought a scrub because he wanted to wash our sports shoes. And I stood outside eating my icecream because he finished his but I was still eating mine.
Back to hotel, bathed and then Tony shut himself in the toilet and scrubbed at our shoes. Took him a really long time but the shoes were totally clean after that!! That really touched me because he did it without complaining and he made sure the shoes were totally clean. AND ALSO by that time the heater was off!! (The hotel turns off the heater after 11pm. Wtf right) So the water was freezing cold and he was washing the shoes in the bathtub with the freezing cold water. I really dunno how he tahan because when I wash hand I am already screaming. All the time. HAHAHAHAHA
Oh and for all the dinners at Cameron, more than half were steamboat. And they were really yummy!! Their vegetables are super fresh and sweet!! Totally enjoyed it!! Especially with the cold weather, steamboat is totally great!! Only gripe is that their chilli lose out abit. But to be fair they had the normal chilli but vegetarian one not nice in some places.
Going back was really sad. Really didn't wanna leave Cameron plus knowing that going back meant that Tony was gonna go back Brunei soon. So was quite down about it.
--
Well I don't remember what else we did so.. thats all for now! Thats all for this super late post.
So Tony came back for Home Leave from 15th June to 28th June. And it was very packed because Penang was 17-20 June and then Cameron Highlands was 21-24 June and then after that was Staycation 25-26 June. So.. super packed and busy.
Anyway so he came back on 15th and luckily I didn't have much work to do, brought my laptop out but no work, yays!! Met him at the airport and then went off home with him taking 858.
After that was doing collect the car he rented at Yishun, and off to do stuff. I don't remember where we went actually. I remember we were supposed to go Plaza Sing to repair his phone but not sure whether we went on that day or another.
--
16 June: Shuffle
We went to Shuffle with AM and SY and I was really pissed. I had some work to do and also needed to pack for Penang trip so I went home while he went to do his stuff. Make specs and etc I think. Anyway so because already settled beforehand that he was gonna fetch AM from work and then drive to Shuffle (supposedly with me but I had work so I split off). So I was gonna go Shuffle alone. No issues with that. Except I asked him whether it was at 8pm and he said yes, so I prepared and went out. When I was at Dhoby I asked him whether he fetched AM already because I didn't wanna reach Shuffle first and wait around etc. And he told me he just left Plaza Sing.
I WAS SO PISSED. He knows I go Clarke Quay need to go through Dhoby (which is where PS is at what), he went to PS to collect his repaired phone couldn't he have the basic decency to ASK ME MY LOCATION TO SEE IF I WAS NEARBY AND HE COULD WAIT FOR ME? No, he fucking rushed to PS to collect his phone and rushed off.
I was already pissed and then I went to Clarke Quay. Reached downstairs of Shuffle and asked him where he was, and he said he haven't fetch AM yet. I was feeling pissed already and this made my blood boil. It was already past 8pm. And then he said I thought I told you its 9pm? WTF. (To be fair I think the day before he did tell me 9pm. But I forgot. But when I asked him on the day itself, whether it is 8pm, he said yes). Stood outside Shuffle for about 45mins just boiling. Really every minute my blood boil hotter. When he finally came I totally refused to talk to him or let him coax me to not be angry. I think AM was alittle taken aback. But anyway eventually after SY reached, also all talk. But really was pissed.
Anyway after that we went tauhuey at Jalan Kayu there, and JT came to meet us too. After that was send AM home, and SY stayed over at her house, and then us home too. I think Tony stayed over.
--
17-20 June: Penang
Took a flight to Penang, and I'm not gonna describe every day one by one but rather as a whole. Penang isn't TOTALLY my cup of tea to be honest. AM on the other hand loved it and declared that she would totally be back again. Tony likes it too, he would la the food was good. I liked the food too. Alot of choices, we didn't even finish all the food places he planned and he was sooooo upset he didn't get to try Penang Chendol.
I found the assam laksa really yummy! Not too spicy and it was sour-ish, SUPER YUMS!! Wished I had the chance to eat there another time before we came back, really liked it! Oh and did I mention. Once I touched down my throat hurt and I couldn't stop sneezing. And I'm sick till now btw. Wth right.
And once I reached Penang I'm sick. My sore throat got progressively worse as the day went by so I asked Tony to help me buy Panadol when he went to guardian. Dunno what else he went to buy because initially HE wanted to go guardian. Anyway, damn suay. I brought my little bag of medicine but I didn't bring the important ones, like FLU, COUGH and SORETHROAT meds. FML right.
Luckily Tony had flu meds so I ate his flu meds and Panadol. Didn't exactly get better but didn't worsen any more so I guess it is a good thing already.
We AirBnB-ed the place, a condo which was really beautiful(: There were quite afew beds so enough for about 6people!
But we only got 3. Even got an upstairs, master bedroom was upstairs with a larger toilet. Downstairs one was tiny.
But I slept downstairs with AM. There were 2 single beds in the 'living room' and because AM watched conjuring 2 she was kinda scared and she said she doesn't mind if we sleep in the master bedroom but hope we don't mind if she carry the mattress up and sleep on the floor. Of course I said don't crazy we all sleep downstairs and tried to force Tony to sleep with me on the single bed BUT he keep looking at the king bed upstairs and he promised ok 1 night sleep downstairs. And he went up to sleep. Haha. He was like GOT SUCH A BIG BED UPSTAIRS U ASK ME SQUEEZE WITH YOU ON A TINY SINGLE BED? Anyway I was sick so might have been a good thing we didn't share a bed otherwise later he also sick. (And the whole trip he only slept downstairs ONCE. And not even with me. It was the last night and he slept about an hour on my bed because we played cards and drank till late, and did packing. So I didn't sleep).
Penang has alot of phototaking places. The wall murals, the museums (I enjoyed the Upside Down Museum tho.) and etc. Visited a temple too.
Visited the swimming pool at the condo and major regret. I dunno why the hell the wind so damn strong (actually I know la, it was near the sea, so confirm windy) AND THE WATER WAS ICY COLD. I swear I was shivering the whole time in the water. AM can attest to that, she laughed at my goosebumps. She say move around then won't so cold. I move I got even colder. My theory is I alr warmed the water around me, I move I am touching new water which is cold! Anyway eventually I went out and suntan. Tony and AM concluded that the water is cold but not as cold as I made it out to be, therefore concluding that I felt that way because I was sick. Which I was really damn sick during that trip.
Also visited the gym for a 3km jog(: Nothing fast and almost died, but at least I exercised. (:
Went cafe hopping too! Not exactly la. Went just afew cafes. Had the most awesome churros I ever ate at a cafe called The Alley. We almost missed it because the top of the cafe had some chinese words. We only saw it by chance. We were walking towards The Alley (which we thought was a distance away) and then passed by a 'random cafe' and AM decided to look at the chalkboard Menu because kaypoh and then SHE REALISED IT WAS THE ALLEY. Damn heng! Best churros!
The first cafe we went was called piknik and I love the atmosphere. Very relaxing. But seriously their pistachio cheesecake last warning. TAKE OUT THE PISTACHIO WORD. NO PISTACHIO TASTE DE!! Was very meh. But the atmosphere full marks!(:
Don't remember much, all in all not exactly my type. I mean I enjoyed the food, but my idea of a holiday involves something like hiking or some kinda sports. Or water sports. Haha. Of course I love relaxing as well. But at least 1 day do something adventurous. But anyway I got it in Cameron, so no complains!
--
20-24 June: Cameron Highlands
Cameron Highlands was pretty awesome!! We drove up (again, as usual) and it was really absolutely great to have the convenience of driving because in Cameron Highlands itself basically you gotta drive everywhere. We stayed in the town which had less attractions so we often drove from out town to the other main town.
While driving up, normally I am really the typical sleep in the car. Once my buttock hits the seat and the car starts moving my eyelids start to close. But I really tried to keep awake because this time round noone else to talk to Tony when he drives. Otherwise in Penang usually I sit behind and sleep. Also, because I am sick. HAHAHAHA nola. Either way whether sick or not, I always feel sleepy in car rides.
Anyway, halfway up to Cameron we stopped at the waterfall again to take pictures. Actually the last time we went Cameron we already took pictures. It was also where AM dropped her new polaroid camera ._.
Anyway! After a brief rest continued up and into Cameron Highlands!! Super major love the weather!!
After checking in went for dinner and check for adventure tour because I DESPERATELY WANTED TO GO HIKING. Also, Tony wanted to go up to the peak which meant need the 4 wheel drive vehicle to bring us because the last time we tried going up and it was so steep we were alittle afraid to drive up ourselves.
So we found a travel agency (?) right beside the Starbucks and found the best day tour which fit our criteria! Mainly was the 4 wheel drive up and the hiking I guess. But they also brought us to the BOH tea plantation so we didn't need to drive up ourselves. The tour we booked was for our 3rd day at Cameron.
On our 2nd day we decided to clear all the places which are not covered in the tour, so we went to pluck strawberries and bee farm etc. The pluck strawberries is totally cheat money one lor. Not that plucking the strawberries are very expensive. But the strawberries on the plants are all not very ripe and tiny? But the ones they sell are huge and a lovely shade of red!! Looked so delicious!! So we bought waffles with strawberry jam I think, to eat there. After that we went to a market as well and the strawberries were ALL SO BEAUTIFUL. Made us totally upset and regret plucking our own strawberries. Nonetheless the experience is still fun. Though this is my 3rd time plucking strawberries already. HAHAHA. STILL FUN THOUGH. Because we had a box of strawberries we couldn't buy the absolutely beautifully red strawberries at the market so we ate alot of fried mushrooms. Which were yummy but cold :( They fry beforehand so by the time we buy they were cold.
We also went to another tea plantation to buy tea because Tony wanted something other than BOH tea because he said BOH tea ships to Singapore and Brunei so he don't want. He want something more special and only bought in Cameron. So okay. Hahaha
We also went to the Lavender Farm, looked at flowers and strawberries. But main thing, we ate again. We really go every tourist spot also eat. To be fair the tea eggs looked and tasted fantastic! Once we exited the Farm we bought fried vegetables and coconut drink. Oh goodness. We really didn't stop eating at all because even in the car we were eating.
Then we went off to the Bee Farm to buy my HONEY! I love honey. Walked around and saw the bees in the garden (?) and then went to buy our honey.
Don't remember what else we did on the 2nd day.
3rd day!! My favourite!! Early morning went out and the vehicle which came to pick us up was just totally badass! So country, cowboy-ish!
Anyway they brought us first to hiking! And it wasn't in Cameron. We travelled quite a long time down, and it wasn't cold anymore. But because hiking all around is trees ma so it was cooling. Luckily.
The hiking was really my favourite part of the tour. It was to see the Rafflesia flower but to be honest I didn't care much about the flower. Nonetheless it was worth it to see the flower after our long hike in the forest. If the flower died already I think I better go flip table. Actually no la. I enjoyed the hiking and climbing SO MUCH that no flower I also contented. What I really liked was that my shoes after that were dirty and it totally gave me a sense of satisfaction!! Initially when I stepped into mud I was so upset because new shoes you know. My UA shoes were just bought last Dec and already I stepped into mud quite afew times in this pair of shoes!! But after that, looking at my shoes just made me feel that I did hiking which is not just walking in a forest trail but involved climbing up and down and it made me happy(: Definitely not as jialat as Tony's shoes tho. His shoes totally changed colour ._. During the hike I felt totally no ache so after the hike I was so proud of myself and told Tony I'm not aching at all!! Totally regret because the next day every single movement, EVEN WALKING, caused me to ache all over.
Another thing I loved about the hike was there were 2 dogs with us!! I totally love the one called Milo. And it kept running behind me for quite awhile too! Super happy!! Even when I move to let it go first because the lane is very narrow and I thought it might wanna run infront, it would just stay behind me. I totally feel like it is my guardian angel like that, making sure I don't slip. Hahahaha. On our way back it disappeared tho-.- Think it ran with its owner behind because on our way back our group got alittle stretched out with one guide taking us infront and another guide waiting for some at the back.
Finally reached back to the vehicles and tried blowpipe hunting. Pretty fun though I had to try like 3 times before successfully hitting the board.
Then it was off for lunch and then BOH tea plantation where Tony in the end still decided to buy more tea and then we had a drink each while we just sat and enjoyed the scenery and the weather for awhile. Off to the top of Cameron Highlands after that!! Sat behind with other tourists, and it was totally great to hear them talk. Like they were doing backpacking and one of them was going Thailand the next day!! Totally awesome. They were really well travelled and often went backpacking, so jealous!! Tony sat infront because he wanted to see the view of the road while going up. He was so excited about it!
After an extremely bumpy but exciting ride up, we finally reached the top. After climbing up a structure to get the best view, we went alittle down to walk the mossy forest to find the pitcher plant. Tony found one and kept insisting the one he saw was tiny and wanted to find another bigger one while I just enjoyed the walk through the forest. By that time our group kinda gelled together so we were walking together. Went back when time was up.
Then after that was back to hotel were we rested abit before going out for dinner. OMG HOW COULD I FORGET TO MENTION THE AWESOME ICECREAM WE HAD AT CAMERON. I ate it twice. HAHAHAHA. First time was on first day I think. I saw someone eating icecream (the cornetto type) and totally had craving for icecream so I was looking for the same type. Finally found a mama shop selling those type AND REALISED THEY HAD THEIR HOMEMADE ICECREAM! Obviously anything homemade grabs my attention so I had the yam icecream while Tony chose Matcha. Both were super awesome!! So on the 3rd day after dinner I insisted we HADTA go eat it again!! This time double scoop. Haha.
Then Tony bought a scrub because he wanted to wash our sports shoes. And I stood outside eating my icecream because he finished his but I was still eating mine.
Back to hotel, bathed and then Tony shut himself in the toilet and scrubbed at our shoes. Took him a really long time but the shoes were totally clean after that!! That really touched me because he did it without complaining and he made sure the shoes were totally clean. AND ALSO by that time the heater was off!! (The hotel turns off the heater after 11pm. Wtf right) So the water was freezing cold and he was washing the shoes in the bathtub with the freezing cold water. I really dunno how he tahan because when I wash hand I am already screaming. All the time. HAHAHAHAHA
Oh and for all the dinners at Cameron, more than half were steamboat. And they were really yummy!! Their vegetables are super fresh and sweet!! Totally enjoyed it!! Especially with the cold weather, steamboat is totally great!! Only gripe is that their chilli lose out abit. But to be fair they had the normal chilli but vegetarian one not nice in some places.
Going back was really sad. Really didn't wanna leave Cameron plus knowing that going back meant that Tony was gonna go back Brunei soon. So was quite down about it.
--
Well I don't remember what else we did so.. thats all for now! Thats all for this super late post.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Growing up
I will blog a long post soon, I promise. About when Tony came back and etc.
But for now.. I really think growing up sucks. Was just going through my finances and damn, having monetary problems (ok currently not in the red but university fees are giving me a damn headache).
I'm not dirt poor, definitely. But ever since I started University (which has already been a year, surprise!), I have taken up this kinda part-time(?) job working from home. I love the flexibility, I love my boss and my colleague, I love working from home sometimes in my PJs.
I can't complain about the pay because honestly speaking, my boss is overpaying me. And we both know it because when she first offered me this job I told her 'You are overpaying me' and she said 'I know but if I pay you any less you will starve'. Or something like that. However it remains a fact that I can't survive very well on this pay after all. I don't spend much on shopping. But however mistakes made in the past has caused me to be carrying an insurance premium (for a savings plan) which is honestly, too much for me. Right now I can cope, but really, for how long more?
The only consolation I have for myself is that at least I am saving this amount of money and not spending it. But when I eventually need money for my school fees, how? What do I do?
Maybe the main reason why I am so stressed is because right now I can still cope, barely but able (but school fees is a different story), but I really wanna get a bike if I get my license. Not sure why I am so worried financially yet though. Seems like I will never pass Lesson 4. Demoralised and honestly speaking, slight phobia. So.. here's to hoping I will overcome my phobia and get my license asap and stop wasting money on lessons. Getting a bike may be a dream for now I guess.
But for now.. I really think growing up sucks. Was just going through my finances and damn, having monetary problems (ok currently not in the red but university fees are giving me a damn headache).
I'm not dirt poor, definitely. But ever since I started University (which has already been a year, surprise!), I have taken up this kinda part-time(?) job working from home. I love the flexibility, I love my boss and my colleague, I love working from home sometimes in my PJs.
I can't complain about the pay because honestly speaking, my boss is overpaying me. And we both know it because when she first offered me this job I told her 'You are overpaying me' and she said 'I know but if I pay you any less you will starve'. Or something like that. However it remains a fact that I can't survive very well on this pay after all. I don't spend much on shopping. But however mistakes made in the past has caused me to be carrying an insurance premium (for a savings plan) which is honestly, too much for me. Right now I can cope, but really, for how long more?
The only consolation I have for myself is that at least I am saving this amount of money and not spending it. But when I eventually need money for my school fees, how? What do I do?
Maybe the main reason why I am so stressed is because right now I can still cope, barely but able (but school fees is a different story), but I really wanna get a bike if I get my license. Not sure why I am so worried financially yet though. Seems like I will never pass Lesson 4. Demoralised and honestly speaking, slight phobia. So.. here's to hoping I will overcome my phobia and get my license asap and stop wasting money on lessons. Getting a bike may be a dream for now I guess.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
The world now
Recently there has been so many accidents/tragedies happening. Shootings, car accidents. It feels like everyday I flip open the newspapers or I go into facebook and I see a new accident/tragedy. Or rape.
It's terrible. The word now seems to be dripping with evil and being very dark.
Sometimes I feel the response is terrible too. Regarding the Orlanda gay club shooting, a church actually came out and said the gunman was sent from God. What the fuck seriously. Blood boils. I don't know how there can be such stupid, senseless and unsympathetic people to actually say stuff like that. Who are they to judge. If they actually follow the bible, it says to love your neighbour as yourself, and also that God is the only judge. And I guess especially pissed because they come out and say stuff like that, bringing religion into it and generally worsen the impressions of Christians as a whole. One bad apple spoils the bunch. Same thing happening with Muslims.
And I just see all these things happening and I feel so.. helpless/worthless. I can't help in any way. And okay granted, these are kinda once off incidents. But I am not helping in general. I don't do volunteer work etc. Just feel like I am so useless. I don't like interacting with people and volunteer work generally requires quite abit of people skills. But yet I feel like my life has no meaning now.. Like I am living for nothing/doing nothing.
Anyway.. the world seems to be getting more and more violent. What a time to be alive. :(
It's terrible. The word now seems to be dripping with evil and being very dark.
Sometimes I feel the response is terrible too. Regarding the Orlanda gay club shooting, a church actually came out and said the gunman was sent from God. What the fuck seriously. Blood boils. I don't know how there can be such stupid, senseless and unsympathetic people to actually say stuff like that. Who are they to judge. If they actually follow the bible, it says to love your neighbour as yourself, and also that God is the only judge. And I guess especially pissed because they come out and say stuff like that, bringing religion into it and generally worsen the impressions of Christians as a whole. One bad apple spoils the bunch. Same thing happening with Muslims.
And I just see all these things happening and I feel so.. helpless/worthless. I can't help in any way. And okay granted, these are kinda once off incidents. But I am not helping in general. I don't do volunteer work etc. Just feel like I am so useless. I don't like interacting with people and volunteer work generally requires quite abit of people skills. But yet I feel like my life has no meaning now.. Like I am living for nothing/doing nothing.
Anyway.. the world seems to be getting more and more violent. What a time to be alive. :(
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Tears
So we have not been speaking since Sunday evening-ish when we had a quarrel over my dinner. Like as in, about my dinner. It was supposed to be a birthday dinner for my sis, and my mum suggested Dian Xiao Er at J8 because my mum was gonna be at Bishan area (at my aunt's shop) before that and also she really likes Dian Xiao Er. (This is on the same day as Deanna's graduation)
Anyway so being the nice gf that I am, I told him about it all, going to eat at Dian Xiao Er at J8 for my sister's birthday dinner. I don't like to lie or hide stuff, and especially don't like to say stuff I don't mean (such as "I try" when he says eat less meat because I know I won't try so why bother giving false hope? I hate people giving false hope so I try never to even give false hope. Also, by saying I try he might take it as a yes and then push for more and more so I don't want that to happen. Already so many times I gave in abit but instead of being appreciative, he just pushes for more.)
So then he kicked up a big fuss about how I could not say I would try to eat less meat etc and how I am still eating alot of meat etc. And I got pretty pissed and told him this is my family dinner, and it is for birthday somemore, and he just replied IN CAPS, something about go with your family then! etcetc.
Now, while I don't super love my sister, nor do I love my father, however my mum is the number 1 most important person in my life and nothing will ever change that. Nothing even comes close to my mum as well. So I got pretty pissed and told him to respect my family.
Basically he said this time (the quarrel) is my fault and then we stopped talking because I definitely don't think it is my fault and he insists it's my fault.
So anyway I've been through Sunday evening, Monday, Tuesday without crying. It just felt like my emotions shut down. I don't know what exactly it means, does it mean I'm starting to love less? Does it mean I am getting numb to the quarrels? I don't know.
But yesterday I went for my Bike Pract Lesson 4, Assessment. And I failed terribly. I was feeling really down about it (I fell off the plank so immediate failure. That said, I also got 28 demerit points. What the hell man. Tell me how to get a bike license like this. I got 12 points from wobbly-when-turning. Omg.)
So I went to SSC because there was a direct bus from SSDC, and because Tony previously transferred me money to change into ringgit for him and he insisted on SSC because he say SSC rates are better than NP. But I checked NP's rates before going for Pract and after Pract I went SSC to check the rates and both are 2.98. I TOLD HIM NP RATES ARE NOT BAD DE LOR.
Anyway, I did tell him before that NP rates are not bad but he just went all passive aggressive and said I shun bian otw to or from bike pract I just stop by SSC change money very difficult meh etcetc. So I just got fed up that time and decided fine he like to make me run around and never think for me, nevermind. As long as my conscience is clear and I know I am not demanding like that.
Anyway so I went to check SSC and it was also 2.98 so I wasn't sure whether to change or not. So I messaged AM because I'm having cold war with Tony. Asked her opinion whether should change or wait (and maybe might go up).
Then while waiting for her reply I went for Subway because I hadn't had dinner. After subway was about 9.12? I assumed the money changer would be open till 930. But I went out of subway and realised the money changer closed already. Oh well, problem solved.
But then in Subway, I heard the song "Locked Away" which was one of his favourite songs, and one song we played endlessly during previous roadtrip, and one song which had very meaningful lyrics, especially at my point in time.
This part:
If I got locked away
And we lost it all today...
Tell me honestly...
Would you still love me the same?
If I showed you my flaws
If I couldn't be strong
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
So basically I was ordering my food and heard this song. And almost teared there la wtf. At the counter. I think the part that hit me was all the 'situations' and then the Would you still love me the same?. The rest is like rap or something, I'm not sure. Anyway I only remember and feel emotional at this part. And after that I got really depressed. I mean I was already very down about bike, then this happened so I was really down.
Then went home feeling really quite down. When walking back just (as mentioned previously) felt that I am really in a dark place. And it kinda scared me a little because I was starting to wonder whether I am really getting mild depression. Now all along I'm worried I would have depression. I do believe that I am prone to depression.
Reached home and still very down. Even with mummy talking there as normal, I couldn't cheer up. Not sure if mummy realised or anything but I did mention to her I failed my bike assessment so maybe she thought it was that, so didn't comment or ask much also.
Eventually went to bed and for the first time since Sunday's quarrel, I cried in bed. I was surprised I cried. And then after laying in bed for a looooong time and finally fell asleep.
And I woke up today morning with tears in my eyes. I was really suuuper shocked. To the extent I wondered aloud "Why are there tears in my eyes??"
So, I really don't know la.
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
Anyway so being the nice gf that I am, I told him about it all, going to eat at Dian Xiao Er at J8 for my sister's birthday dinner. I don't like to lie or hide stuff, and especially don't like to say stuff I don't mean (such as "I try" when he says eat less meat because I know I won't try so why bother giving false hope? I hate people giving false hope so I try never to even give false hope. Also, by saying I try he might take it as a yes and then push for more and more so I don't want that to happen. Already so many times I gave in abit but instead of being appreciative, he just pushes for more.)
So then he kicked up a big fuss about how I could not say I would try to eat less meat etc and how I am still eating alot of meat etc. And I got pretty pissed and told him this is my family dinner, and it is for birthday somemore, and he just replied IN CAPS, something about go with your family then! etcetc.
Now, while I don't super love my sister, nor do I love my father, however my mum is the number 1 most important person in my life and nothing will ever change that. Nothing even comes close to my mum as well. So I got pretty pissed and told him to respect my family.
Basically he said this time (the quarrel) is my fault and then we stopped talking because I definitely don't think it is my fault and he insists it's my fault.
So anyway I've been through Sunday evening, Monday, Tuesday without crying. It just felt like my emotions shut down. I don't know what exactly it means, does it mean I'm starting to love less? Does it mean I am getting numb to the quarrels? I don't know.
But yesterday I went for my Bike Pract Lesson 4, Assessment. And I failed terribly. I was feeling really down about it (I fell off the plank so immediate failure. That said, I also got 28 demerit points. What the hell man. Tell me how to get a bike license like this. I got 12 points from wobbly-when-turning. Omg.)
So I went to SSC because there was a direct bus from SSDC, and because Tony previously transferred me money to change into ringgit for him and he insisted on SSC because he say SSC rates are better than NP. But I checked NP's rates before going for Pract and after Pract I went SSC to check the rates and both are 2.98. I TOLD HIM NP RATES ARE NOT BAD DE LOR.
Anyway, I did tell him before that NP rates are not bad but he just went all passive aggressive and said I shun bian otw to or from bike pract I just stop by SSC change money very difficult meh etcetc. So I just got fed up that time and decided fine he like to make me run around and never think for me, nevermind. As long as my conscience is clear and I know I am not demanding like that.
Anyway so I went to check SSC and it was also 2.98 so I wasn't sure whether to change or not. So I messaged AM because I'm having cold war with Tony. Asked her opinion whether should change or wait (and maybe might go up).
Then while waiting for her reply I went for Subway because I hadn't had dinner. After subway was about 9.12? I assumed the money changer would be open till 930. But I went out of subway and realised the money changer closed already. Oh well, problem solved.
But then in Subway, I heard the song "Locked Away" which was one of his favourite songs, and one song we played endlessly during previous roadtrip, and one song which had very meaningful lyrics, especially at my point in time.
This part:
If I got locked away
And we lost it all today...
Tell me honestly...
Would you still love me the same?
If I showed you my flaws
If I couldn't be strong
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
So basically I was ordering my food and heard this song. And almost teared there la wtf. At the counter. I think the part that hit me was all the 'situations' and then the Would you still love me the same?. The rest is like rap or something, I'm not sure. Anyway I only remember and feel emotional at this part. And after that I got really depressed. I mean I was already very down about bike, then this happened so I was really down.
Then went home feeling really quite down. When walking back just (as mentioned previously) felt that I am really in a dark place. And it kinda scared me a little because I was starting to wonder whether I am really getting mild depression. Now all along I'm worried I would have depression. I do believe that I am prone to depression.
Reached home and still very down. Even with mummy talking there as normal, I couldn't cheer up. Not sure if mummy realised or anything but I did mention to her I failed my bike assessment so maybe she thought it was that, so didn't comment or ask much also.
Eventually went to bed and for the first time since Sunday's quarrel, I cried in bed. I was surprised I cried. And then after laying in bed for a looooong time and finally fell asleep.
And I woke up today morning with tears in my eyes. I was really suuuper shocked. To the extent I wondered aloud "Why are there tears in my eyes??"
So, I really don't know la.
Tell me honestly
Would you still love me the same?
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